I picked up Terminus Est and followed him, leaving Agia and Dorcas to keep watch on the avern. The bower our host boasted of was perched on a small limb and hardly big enough to hold a desk, but there was a stool there, several crow-quill pens, paper, and a pot of ink. I sat down and wrote out the words of the note; so far as I could judge, the paper was the same as that on which it had been written, and the ink gave the same faded black line. When I had sanded my scribble, folded it, and tucked it away in a compartment of my sabretache I seldom used, I told the innkeeper no messenger would be required, and asked if he knew anyone named Trudo.
“Trudo, sieur?” He looked puzzled.
“Yes. It’s a common enough name.”
“Surely it is, sieur, I know that. It’s just that I was trying to think of somebody that might be known to me and somebody, if you understand me, sieur, in your exalted position. Some armiger or—”
“Anyone,” I said. “Anyone at all. It would not, for example, be the name of the waiter who served us, would it?”
“No, sieur. His name’s Ouen. I had a neighbor once named Trudo, sieur, but that was years ago, before I bought this place. I don’t suppose it would be him you’re after? Then there’s my ostler here—his name’s Trudo.”
“I’d like to speak to him.”
The innkeeper nodded, his chin vanishing in the fat that circled his neck. “As you wish, sieur. Not that he’s likely to be able to tell you much.” The steps creaked beneath his weight. “He’s from far south, I warn you.” (He meant the southern regions of the city, not the wild and largely treeless lands abutting on the ice.) “And from across the river to boot. You’re not likely to get much sense from him, though he’s a hard-working fellow.” I said, “I suspect I know what part of the city he comes from.”
“Do you now? Well, that’s interesting, sieur. Very interesting. I’ve heard one or two say they could tell such things by the way a man dressed or how he spoke, but I wasn’t aware you’d laid eyes on Trudo, as the saying is.” We were nearing the ground now, and he bawled, “Trudo! Tr-u-u-do!” And then, “REINS!” No one appeared. A single flagstone the size of a large tabletop had been laid at the foot of the stair, and we stepped out upon it.
It was just at that moment when lengthening shadows cease to be shadows at all and become instead pools of blackness, as if some fluid darker even than the waters of the Lake of Birds was rising from the ground. Hundreds of people, some alone, some in small groups, were hurrying over the grass from the direction of the city. All seemed intent, bowed by an eagerness they carried upon their backs and shoulders like a pack. Most bore no weapons I could see, but a few had cases of rapiers, and at some distance off I made out the white blossom of an avern, carried, it seemed, on a pole or staff just as mine was. “Pity they won’t stop here,” the innkeeper said. “Not that I won’t get some of them coming back, but a dinner before is where the money is. I speak frankly, for I can see that young as you are, sieur, you’re too sensible not to know that every business is run to make a profit. I try to give good value, and as I’ve said, we’ve a famous kitchen. Tr-u-do! I have to have one, for no other sort of food will agree with me—I’d starve, sieur, if I had to eat what most do. Trudo you louse farm, where are you? “
A dirty boy appeared from somewhere behind the trunk, wiping his nose on his arm. “He’s not back there, Master.”
“Well, where is he? Go look for him.”
I was still watching the streaming hundreds. “They are all going to the Sanguinary Field then?” For the first time, I think, I fully realized that I was liable to die before the moon shone. Accounting for the note seemed futile and childish.
“Not all to fight, you understand. Most are only going to watch, there’s some come only once, because somebody they know’s fighting, or just because they were told about it, or read about it, or heard a song. Usually those get taken ill, because they come here and generally put away a bottle or so when they’re getting over it.
“But there’s others that come every night, or anyway four or five nights out of the week. They’re specialists, and only foller one weapon, or perhaps two, and they pretend to know more about those than them that use them, which perhaps some do. After your victory, sieur, two or three will want to buy you a round. If you let them, they’ll tell you what you did wrong and what the other man did wrong, but you’ll find they don’t agree.”
I said, “Our dinner is to be private,” and as I spoke I heard the whisper of bare feet on the steps behind us. Agia and Dorcas were coming down, Agia carrying the avern, which seemed to me to have grown larger in the failing light.
I have already told how strongly I desired Agia. When we are talking to women, we talk as though love and desire are two separate entities; and women, who often love us and sometimes desire us, maintain the same fiction. The fact is that they are aspects of the same thing, as I might have talked to the innkeeper of the north side of his tree and the south. If we desire a woman, we soon come to love her for her condescension in submitting to us (this, indeed, had been the original foundation of my love for Thecla), and since if we desire her she always submits in imagination at least, some element of love is ever present. On the other hand, if we love her, we soon come to desire her, since attraction is one of the attributes a woman should possess, and we cannot bear to think she is without any of them; in this way men come to desire even women whose legs are locked in paralysis, and women to desire those men who are impotent save with men like themselves.
But no one can say from what it is that what we call (almost at our pleasure) love or desire is born. As Agia came down the stair, one side of her face was lit by the last light of day, and the other thrown into shadow; her skirt, split nearly to the waist, permitted a flash of silken thigh. And all I had lost in feeling for her a few moments before when I had pushed her away came back doubled and doubled again. She saw that in my face, I know, and Dorcas, hardly a step behind her, saw it too and looked away. But Agia was angry with me still (as perhaps she had a right to be), so although she smiled for policy’s sake and could not have concealed the ache in her loins if she would, yet she withheld much.
I think it is in this that we find the real difference between those women to whom if we are to remain men we must offer our lives, and those who (again—if we are to remain men) we must overpower and outwit if we can, and use as we never would a beast: that the second will never permit us to give them what we give the first. Agia enjoyed my admiration and would have been moved to ecstasy by my caresses; but even if I were to pour myself into her a hundred times, we would part strangers. I understood all this as she descended the last few steps, one hand closing the bodice of her gown, the other upholding the avern, whose pole she used as a staff and carried like a baculus. And yet I loved her still, or would have loved her if I could.
The boy came running up. “Trudo’s gone, cook says. She was out fetchin’ water ‘cause the girl was gone, and seen him runnin’ off, and his things is gone from the mews too.”
“Gone for good, then,” the innkeeper said. “When did he go? Just now?”
The boy nodded.
“He heard you were looking for him, sieur, that’s what I’m afraid of. One of the others must have heard you asking me about the name, and run and told him. Did he steal from you?”
I shook my head. “He did me no harm, and I suspect he was trying to do good in whatever he did do. I’m sorry I cost you a servant.” The innkeeper spread his hands. “He’d some wages coming, so I won’t lose by it.” As he turned away, Dorcas whispered. “And I am sorry to have taken your joy from you upstairs. I would not have deprived you. But, Severian, I love you.” From somewhere not far off, the silver voice of a trumpet called to the renascent stars.