“George?” Lennon’s voice makes me realise I’ve been quiet for far too long.
“It is worse. It’s so much worse, Len. But this time, I know he’s not coming back. This time, I know there is nothing I can say or do; they’re not coming back. My husband and my baby are gone, and all I have are the memories, the pictures, the videos, the music.” I make a monumental effort to speak around the huge lump in my throat; it’s so big, it’s actually painful, but I push on. “I’m luckier than most, Len. Mine and Sean’s entire relationship has been documented. Out there somewhere are photos and videos, songs, interviews; there’s so much I can draw from, things I’ve never seen before and want to. I want to see it all. I want to hear him and see him on my telly. I want to hear his songs on the radio, and I want every memory I can have of him.” I cuff my nose as my tears run. “It hurts, Len. It’s the most excruciating pain a human can endure, but I’ll take it. I’ll own it and I’ll wear it like a badge of honour. And I’ll get by because I have all of you. I’ll get by because of all of you and I’ll get by for all of you.” I know my brother’s crying; I’ve reduced two big brothers to a blubbering mess in the space of two days; who’d have thought. I pause and draw breath again. “I’m coming home, Len. Not till next week. I can’t be there this weekend, but I want to be back there with all of you. I miss you all and I’m ready.” There are a few seconds of silence.
“George, seriously, I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to reply to what you’ve just said.”
“Then don’t say anything, Len, but don’t hide things from me, either. If the band is gonna split up, tell me. I won’t fall apart. I promise,”
“Well, that’s good to hear, George. Now you need to ring little brother Marley and convince him.” I don’t like that term. I’m not trying to convince anyone. I’m just stating a fact.
“Well then, I will just have to call and let him know the facts.”
We end the call with me promising to let him know as soon as my flights are booked, and in the end, Lennon can’t help but let his control-freakery take over: he decides it will be better for him to book my flights. I’m fine with that; one less thing for me to worry about.
I call Marley next, but I get no answer, so I leave a voice message and tell him I will call later. I try Ash but she’s not answering either. I sit on my bed with my legs crossed and stare down at my phone. I know whose number I want to call. I know whose voice I want to hear, but I’m not entirely sure why. I’ve had this ache inside me; ever since I spoke to Cam on Saturday night, it’s been there, and I’m struggling with it. I’ve just poured my heart out to my brother. I’ve just admitted that I keep going for my family, and because of them, I want to keep going. However, sitting here on my own, staring down at Cam’s number on the screen of the phone in my hand, I can’t do it; I won’t admit a single thing to myself.
I make myself a coffee and bring it back to bed and then I call Jackson; I need a Jackson chat. He’s busy all day, so we arrange to meet down at the bar this evening. I give Marley’s number another try, but this time, his phone’s switched off and not even going to voice mail. I stare down at Cam’s number again for a few seconds. I want to call him, but I need to get my head around why before I speak to him. Brooke comes padding through my bedroom door and gets into bed next to me.
“You smell of sex,” I tell her. I’d just heard her latest casualty begging not to have to leave ten minutes ago. She gives out a long sigh.
“I actually smell of bad sex.”
“Oh, dear,” I reply.
“Yeah, it was shit house, if I’m totally honest, but no worries. He’s gone now, never to be seen again.” I smile as I look at her and shake my head slightly, instantly reminding myself of Cam.
“How was your weekend? How’s Jodie?”
“Yeah, it was okay. The club had a thing for all the staff, sort of like a practice night before the opening. Everyone had to work an hour each; it was cool. The place is amazing.”
“So was Jodie stressed, or did it all run smoothly?”
“Oh, come on. This is Jodie we’re talking about; Ms Control Freak herself. It all ran like clockwork, obviously. She’s just pissed off because the new boyfriend wasn’t there.” My ears prick up. Jodie is the opposite of her younger sister; she’s so focused on her career, she rarely goes out with men, and I don’t think I’ve ever actually known her to have a boyfriend.
“Jodie’s got a boyfriend? Well, that’s a first.”
“Well, he’s not her boyfriend per se. She works with him, and they’ve been out for dinner a couple of times. She likes him and wants more, but by the sound of it, he’s a bit noncommittal and didn’t turn up on Saturday night. But then she tells me, she hadn’t actually asked him if he was gonna be there, she just assumed he would.”
“Why didn’t she just ask him? Surely if they work together, he would’ve known about it?”
“Who knows? I’m not getting involved. She’ll be starting a new project after Christmas and won’t be interested in having a man in her life anyway.” She shrugs as she speaks. “So, you made up your mind yet? You coming down for the opening next weekend? Emily can’t make it, but Jax is coming. You, me, Jax and Jodes, we’ll have a blast.”
My chest tightens and my eyes leak without me actually crying. I push the tears away with the heel of my hand.
“What? What did I say?” Brooke looks up at me from where she’s lying on the bed. She turns over onto her side and pushes herself up on one elbow.
“You know it’s exactly a year on Saturday since I lost Sean and Beau?” Her eyes close, and I can hear the gasp as she takes in air.
“Oh, Georgia, fuck. No, I didn’t, darl; I honestly didn’t.” She sits up, leans her back against the headboard, and starts to cry. “I’m so sorry, George. I used to be so jealous of you. You had everything; the boy you’d loved all your life grew up to be famous, but he still loved you. Just you, George, and you were both so rich and famous. I used to pick up magazines and see the pair of you in them and think, ‘Why can’t that be me? Why can’t I have that?’” I cry along with her as I listen, and I actually laugh a little bit, too. “Then when the accident happened and the reporters were all camped outside your mum’s and at the hospital, I just thought how horrible that must be, to go through everything you were going through with the whole world watching.” She reaches over and takes hold of my hand. “You’re coming to Sydney with us this weekend, George. We’re gonna party, and we’re gonna celebrate Sean. There’s no way I can leave you here on your own now that I know what day it is.” I nod but I’m still not sure. “Tell me the truth, George; how ya doing? All that went on yesterday or whenever, there was no intention there, was there?” I shake my head even before she’s finished talking and turn and look at her.
“No, I got fucked up, and I took a couple of Valium.” I pause then, wondering how much else to tell her. “I made a few phone calls and stupidly had a couple of glasses of wine while I was chatting. I sort of got myself in a bit of a state on the phone and needed to calm down.” I look her square in the eyes so she can hopefully see I’m being totally honest with her. “I forgot, Brooke. I forgot I’d taken the other two Valium. With those two combined with the drugs I’d taken earlier and the wine, I was all over the place. My heart was racing after the phone call I’d had, and I thought I’d take a couple of Valium to help me get off to sleep.”
“Who was the call from?”
“What?” Shit, I’m not expecting her to ask that.
“You said you were upset by the call, who were you talking to?”
“An old friend.”
“An old friend and they upset you?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“He’s someone I’ve known a long time. We were together for a while when Sean and I split up back when I was a teenager. He sent me a lovely message on my birthday, and for some reason, he was on my mind Saturday night. In my stupid, drunken, drug-induced state, I text him. I didn’t make a lot of sense, and he was worried so he called me.”