“Why didn’t you tell me that you’re Jodie’s ex? She’s my cousin; you could have said something.”
He drops his arms to his sides. “It was years ago, and I didn’t think it mattered.”
I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. “Well, it matters to me. Someone should have told me. Let me decide if it matters.”
He studies my face for a few seconds. “What happened when I left you here Sunday morning?” He gestures with his chin towards me.
“For crying out loud, I’m not repeating all of that again. I fucked up. I fucked up big time, okay? Now either tell me about you and Jodie and why she was living at Narnia, or fuck off.”
“How the fuck did you get in anyway?” Brooke asks as she climbs out of bed, obviously not wanting to be around for this conversation. Roman holds out a key.
“I’ve still got this. Jax gave it to me the other night.” She takes it from his hand.
“Well, I’ll take that back now, thank you.” She keeps walking out of the room as Roman walks in and takes her place next to me on the bed.
“You gonna tell me what happened?”
“You gonna tell me about Jodie?”
“You’re being childish, Georgia.”
“No, Roman, I’m pissed off; pissed off is what I’m being. All this trust bullshit you’ve been spouting and you’ve just proved me right; you’ve just proved what I knew all the time. I can’t trust anyone except Cam, Jimmie, Ash and my brothers; they’re the only people I trust. I should’ve just gone with my gut and not shared anything with you.” We’re both quiet for a few seconds, lost in our thoughts. “Do I need to warn my family before what happened Saturday night appears in some tabloid?”
“Who’s Cam?” He asks, at the exact same time I ask, “What?”
“No, Georgia; for fuck’s sake, no. Why are you being like this?” He sounds hurt, but I don’t care; well, I do care, but I’m hurt, too.
“Because I don’t trust anyone, Rome, and you promised I could trust you and I did. I trusted you and now I find out you were once in a relationship with my cousin. You should’ve been honest; you should’ve just told me and let me decide if it made a difference.” I turn and look at him; he has his knees raised up, his elbows resting on them, and he’s staring down at his feet. He slowly turns his head to meet my gaze.
“It was over ten years ago, Georgia, and I honestly didn’t think it mattered.” His ice-blue eyes don’t leave mine as he speaks.
“Well, it matters to me, Rome. It matters a lot.” We’re both quiet again. “Why was she living at Narnia?”
He lets out a sigh. “She went off the rails for a bit. After Jackson’s accident, he went a little crazy and then when he got sent to prison, Jodie just lost herself for a while. We became close, but she was hanging around with Skye.” Oh, God, kill me now. Can this get any worse? Talk about keeping it in the family. My cheeks burn. “Oh, please don’t tell me she fucked Skye, as well?”
He tries not to smile and fails miserably. “They had a bit of a thing going on for a while. Jodie was a mess. Her mum and dad weren’t happy with the way she was behaving, and Skye was her mate and invited her to stay with her. It was all a bit fucked-up, to be honest with ya.” He pauses, and I notice he still has a hint of a smile on his face. “She was with me, but sleeping in the same bed as Skye, and sometimes it would end up…” He tries even harder not to smile, but again he fails. “It would end up in a bit of a tangle, the three of us in the bed together.”
“I can’t believe you let her do those things to me, knowing this.” I feel violated. Everything I previously felt for Roman I’m now calling into question, and I feel let down, by him and myself. “How can you not see the wrong in all of this? It was wrong when it was just you and me, but to add Skye to the equation, that’s just fucked, Rome.”
“It was just a bit of fun, George. Chill the fuck out, will ya; your secret’s safe with me.”
What is it with men and threesomes? I remember the conversation we had between Sean, Lennon, Ash, Jim, Marley and myself a few years ago, how Marls had said he loved watching, how I felt Sean get hard as I sat on his lap. That was the morning after I fucked Cam in his office. Cam. God, that man is in my brain constantly at the moment, and I’ve still no idea why. It’s gotta be Brooke and Jackson stirring things up and making me talk about shit.
“Who’s Cam? You still haven’t told me who Cam is.” How the fuck does Roman know about Cam?
“Why’d you keep asking me about Cam?”
“Because you spoke about him Saturday night, and you just mentioned him again. I just wondered who he was.” I am never, ever touching drugs again, ever! I close my eyes and wonder what on Earth I could have said about Cam. I try to recall everything, but from the time we left the beach until we got back into Roman’s truck, everything is a fuzzy blur of colours.
“What did I say?”
“You don’t remember?” I shake my head.
“You gonna tell me?”
“You gonna tell me what happened after you got back here?” I nod my head. I can make up any old bullshit; he won’t know.
“Tell me what I said about Cam first.” He bites down on the corner of his lip.
“You told me that Cam saved you. That he put you back together and that you didn’t realise it at the time, but you know now that you loved him.” My chest and my throat instantly tighten and tears sting my eyes. I try, unsuccessfully, to blink them away. “You asked me if it was possible to love two people at once. You asked me if it were possible to be totally in love with one person, but still fuck another behind their back.” My eyes instantly fly up and meet his.
“Nooo,” I say on a sob. “Nooo, why did I say that? Why would I say that?” My dad’s old joke about de Nile pops into my head, and Princess Georgia is back; she’s stamping her feet and doesn’t want to talk anymore. It’s what I do. If things don’t go my way, I stamp my feet, fold my arms across my chest and refuse to talk about it.
“Did you fuck Cam while you were married to Sean, Georgia? Did you cheat on your husband?” I fly at him. My anger is really with myself but it’s Roman who I launch at.
“Fuck you. Fuck you! You shagged my cousin and never told me, so don’t you dare talk about my husband. I loved him. I still love him. How dare you question that?” He holds onto my arms and pins me down on the bed, his tall body covering mine. I shout and I scream and kick until I have nothing left in me, and then I cry and sob and try to unload some of the fucking awful guilt I’ve carried around with me, quite possibly since the night I fell back into Sean’s arms. I thought the guilt I’m feeling was a recent thing, something that had only been weighing me down since I did what I did with Cam in his office. It’s only just now dawning on me that, in fact, I’ve felt a certain level of guilt for the past twelve years. It’s my feelings for Cam and how I left things that’s caused it. All the while, I contemplate and process all of this, Roman remains silent and just holds me while I cry.
* * *
I must fall asleep because the next thing I know, I’m at a river. There’s a grassy bank and the river is rushing by; the bank that leads down to it is steep. Sean and Cam are both in the river and calling my name, but I have four children with me. Two dark-haired boys are holding on around my legs and watching what’s happening in the water. Their faces are tear-stained but they’re not crying. I also have two dark-haired little girls, one on each hip, and I know if I put them down, they will crawl to the bank and be swept away. Sean and Cam are both shouting at me to get away, to save the children and get away from the river, but I desperately want to help them. I feel so torn; the pain I feel at being helpless is physical, and I wake myself up shouting and calling out that I’m sorry.