I’ve tried to call Marley every day this week without success, so I try again, but it’s Ashley’s voice I hear on the end of the line. “Slag bag, how are you?”
“Slutster, where the fuck have you been? I’ve been ringing you and my brother for a week, but have had no answer, so I was getting worried.”
“We took the kids away for a week. The weather’s been shit, and Marley’s been really down so we just got away.” Well, that explains it.
“Lennon never said; where’d ya go?”
“We just went to Fuerteventura. The weather was great. It was nice and quiet, and nobody noticed Marls, so he was able to chill.” I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach; Ash has just had a holiday but she sounds flat.
“Ash?” She knows what I’m going to say, so I don’t have to say anymore.
“He’s really struggling, George. I wanted us to stay away for another week but he wanted to be here for this weekend, ya know.” I feel so bad; I should be there. I should be with my brother; he lost his best friend, his brother-in-law and his nephew. I know how much he must be hurting.
“He’s missing you, too, George; we all are.” I bite down on my bottom lip; I don’t want her to hear me cry.
“I miss all of you, too, Ash. That’s why I’m coming home.”
“You’re coming home, when?”
“I land sometime Monday. I’m not sure when. Len’s taken care of all the flight details.”
“Len has? Why the fuck didn’t he tell me? I only spoke to him last night!”
“I was gonna surprise everyone but if Marley’s down, I might as well let him know.”
“Na, na, ya know what, it might be just what he needs. He’ll be down after tomorrow, and it’ll cheer him up if you just surprise him.” She lets out a long breath. “You know the boys are announcing the end of the band on Saturday, George?” I feel a little stab of pain in my chest at her words.
“I had an idea, but I didn’t know for sure.” No more Carnage. I was nine or ten when Marley started the band and eleven when Sean joined them. I couldn’t imagine a world without the band; their fans will be devastated.
“He’s really worried about how you’re gonna take it, George. Bill and Tommy are more interested in producing since they set up their studio, and Marley just wants to write songs, play his guitar and sing. He and Lennon have negotiated a deal with the label and he’s gonna go solo.” I’m so glad Marls wants to continue. I don’t think he could live without his music.
“I’m so glad he’s not giving up altogether. It’s sad about the band, really sad, but like I told Len, they need to do what they need to do. We’ve all handled this in our own way, and they have to do what works for them.” I can hear her cry as I talk. What did I say?
“I love you, George, and it’s so good to hear your voice. It’s so good to hear you talk about all of this without going into meltdown. I’ve been so worried about you being over there all on your own, but it’s obviously done you good.” I’m ugly, snot-bubble crying now.
“I’m sorry, Ash. I’m sorry for leaving you all, but I had to get away. I just needed some space, and no one knows who I am here. I just got to do every day normal things; I was even waiting tables to help out my aunt and uncle for a while. It’s just given me the space I needed to get my head straight.” I hear her take a few breaths.
“Well, you sound really well. I heard about the hot Aussie; you bringing him back with you? Did ya get down and dirty with him?”
“Don’t pretend Jim hasn’t told you all the deets. You know I did, and no, he’s not coming back with me; we said our goodbyes yesterday.”
“Yeah, she did tell me. Have you got pictures? Is he hot?”
“Yeah, he’s hot but it was weird. We just had this connection as soon as we looked at each other, but it wasn’t love; lust maybe, I’m not sure. He just made my heart beat a little faster. He woke it up and I, I don’t know; he was kind and I just, it felt wrong but it felt right, Ash, ya know? How long do I wait? Is there a right amount of time? He’s not Sean, no one will ever replace Sean, but he was there and he wanted to help me. He wanted to make me feel better. Is that wrong? Was I wrong to let him do that?”
“Why would it be wrong, George? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’re thirty-two. You still have a whole life in front of you to live, and Sean would want you to go out there and live it for both of ya.”
“But I feel so guilty. It’s horrible Ash; the guilt is almost as painful as the loss and the loneliness.”
I hear her sob. “Please don’t be lonely, George; please don’t. That really hurts to hear you say that. You’ve got all of us, so please don’t ever be lonely.” I can’t control the big fat sob that feels like it’s going to rupture my chest, and I have to let it go. We both just cry for a while. “It’ll be so good to have you home, George. We’re gonna have a proper Christmas this year, since last year was fucked. We just went through the motions for the kids, but this year, we’ll celebrate this year. We’ll celebrate and be thankful for what we’ve got. We’ll remember everything we’ve lost, and we’ll look forward to what next year will bring. Top of the list will be finding you a baby daddy.”
I draw in a deep breath. “I’m thinking of just using a donor.”
“No fuckin’ way, woman. We are gonna find you a man. A smoking hot man who can fertilise them eggs and be around for them babies after. We need a big strong man, someone who can look after you and however many babies you might end up with.”
“It’ll just be one, Ash. I don’t think Jimmie intends doing this more than once for me and for that, I’ll always be grateful. Besides, we don’t even know if it’ll work yet anyway.”
“Then I’ll do it for ya, too. You can’t have just one, George; you need a couple. You need a couple of kids around ya, to keep you busy. I’ll do it. Jimmie can have half the eggs; I’ll have the other half. All we need now is someone with big, strong super sperm, someone like TDH and them big fine muscles of his. I bet his little-boy swimmers already have abs and pecs.” There is something seriously, mentally wrong with me, because the thought of Cam’s sperm has me crossing my legs and clenching everything inside. Ashley is chuckling to herself on the other end of the line. “Seriously, though, George, that fine specimen would be perfect. Have you heard anything from him? Would you know how to get in touch if you wanted to?” My belly goes over and twists in a knot with my guilt.
“I’m not asking TDH to donate sperm, Ash.”
“Why? He’s big and strong, and handsome. He’s TDH, for fuck’s sake, and I like the thought of having a bit of him inside me.”
“Ash, seriously, you are just so wrong sometimes.”
“Yeah, I know, but being wrong always feels so right to me.” We’re both silent for a few seconds. “This is so good, George, hearing you like this; sounding happy, making plans. You’ve really cheered me up. I can’t wait to see Marley’s face when you get home.”
My heart warms at her words. I wish I could forget this club opening and jump on a plane right now and be home with all my family, but then that would mean being in England on December first and I didn’t want that. I wanted to be up in the sky, flying across time zones where no one can find me for the next couple of days.
Ash and I end our call and I decide to try to get an hour of sleep before going out tonight. However, I notice I’ve received a text from Jodie while I was talking to Ash. She’s cancelling on me tonight, saying she has too much on, but she’ll see me when we get there tomorrow night.
I order a bottle of champagne and a burger from room service, text Jackson and tell him I won’t be meeting them for drinks. Instead, I order Blow from the hotel’s film channel. I settle in for the night with my burger, my bubbles and Johnny Depp.