My head fly’s up at that news. “A boy, you’re having a son?” I hate her. This woman I don’t know, who’s gonna have something I never will, something she doesn’t deserve.
“I don’t know that I’m having anything yet, George. There’s ways of testing from inside the womb, but she’s all over the place so I don’t wanna rock the boat. She’s unstable enough as it is. So anyway, I’m paying for a flat and a nurse, a minder. I buy her shopping and pay her medical bills so she can afford to see the best doctors.” He shrugs. “If the baby’s not mine, then I’ll make sure the right people get involved to make sure the kid’s safe, but that’ll be it. If the kid’s mine,” he pauses and shrugs again, “I haven’t got a Scooby what I’ll do. No idea, but he’ll be with me. One way or the other, I’ll find a way to have the baby with me, and you need to know that. You need to understand that. If the baby turns out to be mine, I will fight for custody of him.”
I give him a small smile. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Cam.” I take a sip of wine, hating the jealousy I’m feeling.
“If this works, George, if me and you make this work, we’ll have our own. If this baby is mine, it won’t stop us having our own.”
My breath catches. Oh, God, he doesn’t know. I’m not sure what the sound is that I make. I sob but my lips sort of roll. I suppose it’s what you could call blubbering and he moves so quick and pulls me into his lap and holds me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kitten. This must be so hard for you after everything you’ve been through. Fuck, Kitten, I wish it was your belly my baby was growing in.”
I shake my head, but I can’t get any words out. I gasp in air as I try to control the sobs, but all he can see is me shaking my head and I don’t want him thinking that I’m saying no to that idea. I’m panicking and it’s making it harder to breathe. My chest hurts so much as I force out the words.
“I can’t, Cam. I can’t.” I look up at him. “I can’t have kids. The accident, they took it; they took everything away. It’s the only way they could stop me from bleeding.” He stares at me silently, his eyes wide as he processes what I’m saying to him.
“No, oh, fuck no, Kitten.” His face is an image of pure pain as he shakes his head and his eyes fill with tears. “I didn’t know,” he whispers.
“Hysterectomy,” is all I manage to choke out.
“Fuck, Kitten, fuck, fuck, fuck.” For the next half hour, he holds me while I cry. Once again, Cam holds me while I fall apart.
Chapter Eighteen
I must’ve dozed off in Cam’s arms. When I open my eyes, he’s looking down at me. I give him a small smile.
“I fell asleep.”
“Yes, you did.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“For crying, for being such bad company.”
“You’re the only company I want.”
“Am I?”
“Always.”
“Even if the baby’s yours?”
He closes his eyes for a long moment. “Whether I’m the father of that baby or not makes absolutely no difference to you and me. Other than it will be just another thing for us to work through.”
“D’ya think we can do it? D’ya think we’re strong enough, ready enough for this?”
He shrugs. “If we want it bad enough.” I nod. I need to wee badly, but I’m so warm and comfy, I don’t want to move.
“I need to ask you something,” he says quietly.
“Knock yourself out.”
“What was Jodie on about when she said you’d been fucking her ex while you were in Byron?” Great, coz that’s what I really wanted to talk about right now.
“I met a bloke in Byron. He sang and played guitar in my aunt’s bar.”
“He was a singer?” I nod.
“Yeah, I know. He was nothing like Sean to look at. He just happened to sing and play guitar.”
“What’s his name?”
“Roman, Roman Peterson. He’s not famous or anything. He’s actually an engineer and works away in the mines most of the year, but takes a four month break and goes home to Byron and plays guitar around the different bars there.”
“And you fucked him?” I don’t see any point in lying, I don’t want to lie so I just nod.
“I’ve been numb, Cam. I’ve felt nothing and I just suddenly felt something. It was the strangest thing. It actually disturbed me.”
“Why?” I think about this for a few seconds.
“Because he made me feel and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that, and because I felt so guilty. It hadn’t been quite a year since Sean’s death and I was feeling something for another man. Not emotionally or anything, it wasn’t like that between us. It was just desire I suppose, but even that was more than I was prepared for.” The only light is coming from a lamp over in the corner and I watch him frown while listening and digesting what I’m telling him.
“What was it like then, between you and him?”
How the fuck do I explain this one? I decide to go with honesty. “Rome’s a bit of a free spirit, independent and adventurous. He just wanted to help me. He wanted to show me that I could go on with my life.”
“Sounds like a hippy.”
I nod. “Yeah, he was a bit of a hippy. He was good for me, Cam. He was exactly what I needed; a bit like you and Tamara, we were friends who fucked. He knew I was going back to England at some stage. I knew he was going back to Western Australia and we were both fine with that.”
“And you didn’t mind that he was Jodie’s ex?” he asks.
“Yeah, well, that’s where it all went tits up. I had no idea and was really pissed off when I found out, but because he’s so laid back, he just didn’t see what the problem was. As far as he was concerned, it was a long time ago and it didn’t matter, but what he and I didn’t know was that he’d gotten her pregnant, and without telling him, she’d got rid of the baby.”
“Fuck,” he says and lets out a breath.
“Yeah, fuck, the relationship meant a lot more to her than it did to him, and when she found out I had been seeing him, she was pissed off.”
We’re both silent for a few seconds, but now his questions have got me thinking.
“What went on between you and her?”
He shifts me off his lap slightly before he starts talking. “It was nothing other than professional. We went to lunch once and dinner twice. Lunch and one of the dinners were business meetings, and then one night, we both finished at the club late and I asked her to have dinner with me. I didn’t see the point in both of us eating alone; that was all there was to it. I didn’t realise she was reading more into it.”
I’m getting pins and needles in my feet so I uncurl my legs and stretch them out in front of me, and because of the way the throw is tangled around us, my bare legs are now on show and I watch as Cam looks along the length of them.
“Is that it, no kissing, no flirting?” I ask.
“What like you’re doing now?”
“What?” I haven’t said a word. How am I flirting?
“Flashing me your legs, just because I’m talking about your cousin.” I smile at his assumption.
“If I was flirting with you, Cam, I wouldn’t be sitting with my legs stretched out on the sofa. I’d have them wrapped around your neck while I sat on your face.” He throws his head back and gives me his big Cam laugh and I can’t help but throw my arms around his neck and hold him for a few seconds. I breathe him in and say quietly, “God, I’ve missed that laugh. I’ve missed your laugh and your smell so much.” He slides his hand under his hoodie that I’m wearing and runs his fingertips up and down my spine. I shudder in response.