“That’s a beautiful story. You’re very lucky,” I tell her.
“All I’m trying to say, Georgia, is to me and to anyone around, it’s obvious you two are in love. Just don’t let anyone come in the way of that and don’t ever feel guilty about it.”
I nod. “I’ll do my best.” I smile, knowing all the while that I will always feel guilty. My circumstances are entirely different to Marian’s and I deserve the guilt that I feel. It sort of makes being with Cam okay, if that at all makes sense?
* * *
I take the opportunity to check my phone when Marian goes upstairs. There’s a text from my mum inviting Cam over for dinner tonight. A dozen disgusting, but highly hilarious texts from Jim and Ash; they both want details of where I am and what I’ve been doing these past couple of days with TDH. Specifically, how much sex and in how many positions? I reply, telling them both ‘lots and think we’ve covered most ;-)’ There’s also a text from Roman, which I’m really surprised to see for some reason.
Hope you’ve landed safely back in Pommie land and that the cold isn’t too much to bear.
Is it wrong that I’m missing you?
Roman x
Oh, I really don’t need to be hearing that right now, even if he does only mean it in a friendly kind of way. I’m going to find it impossible to stand up soon with the weight of all the guilt I’m feeling. Although, I draw the line at feeling any guilt over Roman. We both knew what we were doing was a short term thing. We had decided on that from the very beginning; that’s what made it work for me. I reply with a short message telling him I’m home safely and that the weather is freezing but I’m loving it.
I’m suddenly feeling restless. I wander over to the floor to ceiling windows and take in the view. Cam’s apartment is surrounded by other homes and apartment blocks, with views of Canary Wharf and the River Thames in the distance. This can’t be too far from the warehouse conversion that Sean and Marley own, or that I own now actually. I press my head against the glass, enjoying the cold sensation. I feel anxious and so confused. One minute, I’m decided, and determined Cam and I are going to be together no matter what; the next, I’m doubting my decisions. Can we make it work? Should I slow down a little, take some time, draw breath? I’m thirty-two, widowed, living with my parents despite owning properties in four countries, and right now, at this very moment, I’m totally unsure of where my life is going. I love Cam. I’m in love with Cam and I just don’t seem to be able to see any further than that. It’s like I hit a wall and my thoughts won’t move further and I don’t know why. I want to plan. I want to hope and dream, but I just feel like I daren’t. What if I lose it all again? What if somehow it all gets taken away from me again? Losing everything must be so much easier when you have nothing to lose, and now, now I have so much. I have Cam and love and hope, and if it all gets snatched away again, I know for sure I wouldn’t survive.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, my scalp prickles and I know he’s behind me.
“You all right, Kitten?” And that’s what does it. Every time, it’s that question. I can usually hang on until I’m alone. I can hold on long enough to give myself a chance to walk away on the bad days, the days when all I want to do is cry. Until someone asks if I’m okay. My shoulders must shake as I heave a silent sob. “Baby, what’s wrong? Whatever’s wrong?” He turns me around to face him and holds my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Talk to me, Kitten. What the fuck’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” His eyes dart all over my face.
“I’m so scared. I love you and I’m so scared. What if we can’t do this? What if we don’t make it? What then? What will I do?” He wraps his big, strong arms around me and pulls me in tightly to his chest. I can hear his heart pounding, big and strong and I just love the sound and the sensation of it against my cheek and my ear.
“Whatever’s brought this on, Kitten? We’ve got this. I’ve told you; we’ve got this, and if you haven’t yet, well, then I’ve got this enough for both of us.” We stand and sway gently from side to side for a few long minutes. Cam kisses my head and my hair. He gently strokes his fingertips up and down my back and gradually I calm myself down. I don’t know where all of that just came from, but I’m so grateful to Cam. He’s here with his strong arms, holding me together as I fall apart once again.
“What happened?” he asks eventually.
I shrug. “Just feeling a bit overwhelmed, I think.” He kisses my temple.
“Don’t be. We’ve got this.” I nod. “Come into the office with me. I want to show you something.” He takes my hand and we walk down the hallway towards the front door, but stop and turn left into a doorway I hadn’t noticed before. It leads to a large, spacious home office, much bigger than the other office. There’s a whole wall of flat screen monitors, which seem to be showing CCTV images from the various clubs Cam owns. The whole room is white: walls, desk, chair, bookcase and sofa, all white. I let go of his hand and head over to the big office chair. I push off with my toes, then pull my knees up to my chest as the chair twirls. I launch myself again and look up at the ceiling as everything spins. When I eventually feel sick and let the chair come to a halt, my eyes land on Cam. He’s wearing a plain white T-shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans; his feet are bare and it’s his bare feet that are suddenly making me squirm. Feet are probably the least sexy part of the body, but looking at his bare feet is just doing something to me. His arms and legs are crossed as he leans against his desk beside me.
“Are you finished?” I nod. “Good.” He moves over to the chair and moves me so he can sit in it, then he pulls me down so I’m sitting between his open legs. He moves the mouse around on the desk and the computer screen comes to life. Houses. He’s been in here looking at houses. “Any of these you fancy taking a closer look at, Kitten?” I turn and look at him,
“Cam…”
He shakes his head. “It’s not up for discussion. We’re buying a house. I bought this place purely for the convenience, but it’s not a home. A home is what me and you are gonna make.” He pulls me so I’m sitting across his lap. “We’re gonna buy one of these and turn it into our home, together.” He kisses me gently on the mouth. “These are all close to your mum and dad. I assumed that’s where you’d want to be, but we can look elsewhere if you prefer?” His eyes look from the screen to my face. I don’t know what to say, how to answer. “I love the fuck out of ya, Kitten. This is happening. I’m not waiting. You need to get your head around that.” He strokes his fingers up and down my arm. “Would you like stables? I know you had horses before.”
I suddenly feel hot and panicky, short of breath and dizzy. This is too much. It’s too much and it’s too soon. I did this with Sean. It was only two years ago that I was moving into a new house with Sean. Cam’s house. Just two years ago, I moved into a house that Cam bought for me that I ended up moving into with my husband. Now my husband’s dead and here I am, looking to buy a new home, start a new life with Cam. My life is a seriously fucked-up mess and it’s all of my own doing.
He gently brushes his knuckles over my cheek as I look up at him. “Stop, Kitten. Stop overthinking and stop panicking. I can feel how hard your heart’s pounding. I know what you’re thinking and you need to stop.” I open my mouth but no words come out.
I’ve experienced so many anxiety attacks this past year and I know that I am right at the beginning of one now. For me they start with a feeling of being too hot. Then my heart rate increases and I can’t speak or catch my breath. Then I get this strange sensation that starts in my toes and travels up my body. It’s sort of like a combination of pins and needles and ice travelling through my veins and that sensation is already starting in my toes now.