I look through my suitcase filled with all of my stuff from Australia. There’s nothing in there I’m going to be able to wear in England right now, so I pull out all of the gifts I’ve bought for my nieces and nephews and just leave the rest in there. I then pull out another suitcase and throw in all of my basics plus a few dresses and pairs of heels. I’m not going to be miles away so it’s not like I can’t come back for more if I need to.
I sit down on my bed for a minute and look at the photos on my bedside table. I have the one taken in the hospital of myself, Sean and Beau and another one of just Sean and me. It’s one of my favourite photos Sean and I ever had taken together. It was my birthday last year. I’m pregnant and I remember the moment like it was minutes ago. Sean and I were standing talking at the charity event the boys had played at. Sean had just come off stage, but Beau was still dancing to his daddy’s music, as he always did at the sound of Sean’s voice. Sean has his hand on my belly and he’s looking at me as I look down at his hand on my bump. He’s looking at me like he worships me. I’m looking at his hand and my belly like they are something magical. The photo was taken by one of the official photographers on the day and he must have made a fortune from it as it was in and on the covers of newspapers and magazines around the world. Because it was one of the last official photos taken of us together, it’s also been used over and over again since Sean’s death.
I pick the picture up and hold it against my chest, against my heart. I can’t get a grip on my feelings. One minute I’m so sure of everything, the next I’m wracked with guilt and sadness. I love Sean. I miss him and I know that I always will, but I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I love Cam and want to be with him. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel what I do for one, without feeling guilty about the other. Am I supposed to feel guilty, or should I just let it go? Is it okay to be happy with Cam but still love and miss Sean? Is there even a right and wrong to any of this?
I hear a slight noise behind me and turn to see Jimmie standing in the doorway and instantly let out the sob I was trying to hang on to.
“Oh, Georgia.” She comes around the bed, sits next to me and takes the photo, looking at it for a few moments, gently stroking her finger over Sean’s face and my bump. She takes my hand in hers. “Tell me what’s wrong, Georgia Rae?”
I let out one more sob before saying, “I’m in love, Jamie Louise.” She bursts into tears.
“Why’re you crying?” She wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes me tightly.
“Do you know how fucking happy that makes me, George? I can barely breathe.”
“Did you just wipe your nose on my shoulder?”
“Sorry, babe, yeah, but after what you’ve put me through this past year, you owe me that much at least.” I smile into her neck.
“Thanks for always being there for me, Jim. I’m sorry I’m such a shit, nut case, freaky weirdo, best friend, Auntie and sister-in-law.” She sniffs and laughs as she gets her breath.
“You’re the best shit, nut case, freaky weirdo, bestie, Auntie and sister-in-law I could wish for. I love ya so much, George. I’m so happy for ya.” We sit quietly for a few minutes.
“He wants me to move in with him.”
“Well, what’s the problem?” We break apart and I look at her, then gesture towards my suitcase.
“Tonight, now, he wants me to move in with him tonight. We’re looking at houses to buy on Thursday and Friday.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, fuck. What’ll my dad say? What about the boys? What’s Marley gonna say?” She frowns as she looks at me.
“D’ya wanna move in with him?”
I nod. “Yeah, I do.”
She shrugs slightly. “Then fuck ‘em, George. You’re thirty-two. You’ve had the life you had planned ripped out from under you once, so grab hold of this second chance and enjoy the ride. I’ve always thought you two were good together. I thought perhaps he would be the one too; well, he was the one for a while, you know, before?” She pauses and looks me over. “I’m not gonna go there, but I think that you and him had something really good before, and given the chance, I think you would’ve made a go of it. Things worked out different, but just look, here you are and I couldn’t be happier for you.” I wipe at another tear under my eye just as my bedroom door flies open.
“Oi, oi, you ol’ slags.” Ash walks in and throws herself down onto my bed. “What the fuck’s the matter with you two? Why you crying like a pair of princesses?”
Jimmie and I smile at each other before she says, “George’s in love with TDH.” Ash sits up on my bed.
“What like, properly in love, not just in lust, but really, properly in love?” I smile and nod my head. Her bottom lip trembles a few times before her face screws up and she lets out a sob. “Fuck, George, my heart could burst hearing that.” She throws herself back on the bed as she wipes at her eyes. “Fuck you, ya bitch. You made me full on ugly-cry then.”
Jimmie comes over and sits on the bed just as Ash sits back up and shrieks, “Oh, my God, G, does this mean babies?” My head instinctively turns towards Jimmie. I know she’s offered to be my surrogate, to carry my child for me, but I feel the panic rise up from my toes every time I think about it. What if she’s changed her mind? What if I have to go and find a stranger to carry my baby? What if they decide to keep it?
My mouth opens to speak, but no words come out and then Ash interrupts my thought trail, or lack of, “Fuck, Jim, you’re gonna have a bit of TDH inside you. For the first time ever, I’ll actually be jealous of a pregnant lady.” She throws herself back down on the bed as Jimmie and I just look at each other.
“Well, G, could he be the one?” she asks.
I nod my head slowly. “We’ve talked about it. He wants to be.”
A smile slowly spreads over her face; her brown eyes sparkle. She reaches out and laces her fingers with mine. “Just say the word, G. I can’t wait to make this happen.” I smile back.
“You still up for it? I know you said you would, but I mean, I would…”
“Georgia, we’re gonna do this. When the time’s right, we’re gonna do this.” I wrap my arms around the most beautiful person I know. Jimmie has been my voice of reason and my conscience for most of my life. If there is such a thing as soul mates, then I think Jimmie might actually be mine.
“Shit, I’m feeling left out. Just think, if it’s a boy, you’ll have a King dick inside you.” Ashley sits up as she speaks, Jim and I turn and look at her.
“Did she really just say that?” I ask.
“She did. She really did,” Jimmie replies.
“Fuck off, you two. I don’t like this. You two are gonna have this bond and I won’t be part of it. I want in.”
“What d’ya mean, you want in?”
“I wanna go. I wanna have a baby for you as well.”
“You said you didn’t. You said you didn’t want any more kids.”
“Well, I don’t plan on keeping the little fucker. Hit me up with some spunky eggs and I’ll incubate for you, but once it’s out, game over, princess; the responsibility will be all yours.” I’m stunned.
“You’d seriously do that for me. You’d carry my baby?”
“George, I wouldn’t fuck about with something like this. I’ve been thinking about it since we found out you had eggs.” She reaches out and takes my hand. “I’d decided right at the beginning really, if for any reason things didn’t work out with Jim, then I’d offer, but while you were away, I had a good ol’ think about it and decided that, if you’ve got enough eggs to go around, I want to do this for you, too. I did tell you I’d do it the other week on the phone.”
“I know, but I didn’t think you meant it.”
“Well, I did. I do.”
“Fuck, Ash,” I whisper.
“Yeah, I know,” she replies quietly.