There must be at least another eight vases covering the hearth and mantle of my parents huge brick fireplace but these flowers are different, the ones on the table are big bouquets of mixed flowers, the ones on the fireplace are just white Arum lilies, my favourite flower, I get the usual head spin and belly roll the instant I think about him and I swallow hard but I’m okay; I look towards my Mum.
“Sean?” I don’t know why I’m asking, because I already know. She nods her head.
“He’s called daily, he really wants to see you George but your Dad won’t hear of it, he thinks you need time, he wants to send you away on a holiday, a week in Marbella or Portugal, a bit of time away from work and all of this.” She gestures toward the flowers. “Wait till he finds out about Cam, he’ll be wanting to send you to Auntie Kath in Australia for a year.”
A holiday sounds good but I need to try and get my head a little straighter first, what do I feel about Cam now that I know what I do and am I ready to talk to Sean? “Oh Georgia, you’re so grown up in many ways and so naïve in so many others, I forget you’re only twenty sometimes, everything that went on between you and Sean, you were both so young, I feel so guilty about it, I should have protected you more.”
“Protected me from what Mum, love? How do you protect someone from love?”
“It’s not the love that’s the problem George; it’s the heartache that goes with it. You were so convinced that Sean was the one, I just let you get on with it.”
“Mum, please try and understand, Sean is the one, there is and never will be anyone else, he’s been the one since the day I first clapped eyes on him when I was eleven years old and there’s nothing, you or anyone else can ever do to change that fact.”
“I know George… I know and it scares me, I’m scared for you. That you’ll go through life, never loving like that again.”
I shrug my shoulders. “I’ve survived the last four years.”
My Mum shakes her head. “No you haven’t George, you’ve existed and you’ve only just about done that and I want more than that for you. I want you to fall in love again, get married, have babies; I don’t want you to just exist.”
My Mum twirls my hair in her fingers and I think of Cam, Sean, Cam, Sean, Cam, it’s making me bloody dizzy, still better than just being stuck on Sean, Sean, Sean all the time. “But in saying all that,” my Mum continues, “I don’t want you and Sean getting back together if he’s going to carry on the way he is and for you to just accept it. I bought you up better than that George, I know that the money and the power that goes hand in hand with what your Dad does attracts women, women that would give and do anything to be in my place and I’m not stupid, I’m sure that there have been times that your Dad has strayed but he’s never done it openly or blatantly. I’ve never heard so much as a whisper of him ever being unfaithful and it’s still my bed he comes home to every night but I don’t know if Sean is capable of that, I don’t doubt he loves you George, I think he loves you with a passion beyond reason but I don’t know if he’s strong enough to resist all the temptation that’s put in his way, and I wouldn’t want to see you go through that.”
I let out a big long sigh, I’ve been so busy these last four years, concentrating on shutting everyone out, avoiding any kind of emotions, trying to just survive each and every painful day, that I have failed to notice the effect all of this has had on the people that care about me. I love my parents and hate the fact that I am causing them so much worry. “Mum, I have no plans to get back with Sean.”
As much as I would love to. “I’d never be with him knowing he was shagging about, it would kill me, like you say, you’ve bought me up to be better than that. I hope that one day, I will be able to find someone that will love and take care of me but I will always have to be honest and up front with them, they will have to know from the very beginning that I will only ever love Sean, I can’t change that, it is what it is. Please don’t worry about me and you’re right in what you said about this little episode, it needed to happen, it should’ve happened four years ago but it’s happened now, I’ve finally managed to shed some tears over it and I am ready to move on, I’m ready to listen to music again.” I smile at her.
“Hmmm, well that will be a feat in itself George, every other song seems to be one of the bands and most of them are about you.”
WHAT??
“What dya mean they’re about me?”
“Well they aren’t called ‘This Song Is About Georgia’ but seeing as Sean writes most of them and I know him like I know my own children, I know they’re about you. When you’re feeling ready, listen to some of their music, listen to the words and you’ll understand, especially I got it wrong and the other one, the one they got all the awards for.” I shrug, I have no idea, I know nothing of the band and their achievements, other than that they are now very famous.
“With me… it’s called ‘With me’ George, it’s one of the few ballads they sing, it’s beautiful, Sean’s voice…” she trails off. “Anyway, when you’re ready, give them a listen.”
My head is spinning by the time my Mum drops me home with orders to take the rest of the week off and to have a quiet weekend. The first thing I plan on doing is confronting Cam, I have had this horrible little thought going around in my head and before I decide where my feelings are going with this man, I need to find out if he’s just playing a game. Is he using me to get at my Dad? Is he trying to find out my secrets so that he can use them as leverage in some way?
I change into a pair of jeans and my Chucks that I bought in America on a business trip with my Mum, she hates them, and I love them and the fact that no one else wears them. I pull on a sweatshirt as it’s a bit cold outside and put a bit of makeup on, a whole morning of not crying has improved my puffy eyes but my face is still a bit blotchy.
I head back down the stairs and have a look at my car, I had to ignore it when my Mum dropped it off, she has no idea it was damaged, or why and that Cam has had the repairs done. This is what I don’t understand, why would he do that, if he was just using me to get at my Dad, wouldn’t he find it amusing to let my Dad know that his daughter is a two timing whore and got her car smashed up because of it? I have all of this going through my head as I make the ten minute walk up the high street to the wine bar.
Cam’s car is in its usual spot but the bar is locked, it’s only four in the afternoon. Shit I hadn’t thought about that. I knock on the door and it’s opened by one of the bouncers, he looks surprised to see me. “Alright love? Come in, he’s in the office, just give the door a knock before you go in would ya, he’s been on the phone for the last couple of hours.”
I smile up at the giant of a man, he’s about the same height as Cam but a whole lot wider, he’s bloody huge. The bar is empty apart from one barman restocking the shelves, Mr Big and another bouncer who are in the middle of eating something up at the bar, they all watch me as I come through the door but smile nicely and then carry on with their conversation as I head to the office at the back, as I get closer I can hear Cam talking and he doesn’t sound happy.
“I don’t care; he’s a piss taking cunt… No, he’s been given more than enough chances and more than enough time… No Eddie, people will think I’m going soft, I’ve tried to be fair but I want my money and I want it by Friday… Well take his fuckin’ car then and whatever else he’s got that adds up to thirty grand, and tell him he’s arsehole and he’s fuckin’ lucky I haven’t charged him interest and that I’m leaving him with his balls still intact.”
Shit, angry Cam is scary and so fucking sexy, I knock on the slightly open door. “Hang on,” he says to whoever is on the phone. “Come in.”
I push the door open slowly and his mouth drops open slightly as he takes me in, I ache instantly, right down low in my belly and my face flushes as I look at him. He’s sitting in the big twirly chair, wearing grey suit trousers and a light blue shirt, the sleeves are rolled up to the elbows and his grey tie has been loosened and his top button is undone, his long legs are crossed at the ankles as his feet rest up on the desk. He was rocking back in the chair when I opened the door but he’s now stopped and is still, without saying another word or taking his eyes off me, he hangs up the phone.