“You kill yourself, how does that leave your Mum and Dad feeling? How does that leave your brothers feeling? How do you think it will leave me, Ash and Sam feeling and what about your nieces and nephews, my babies, Ashley and Sam’s babies, when they grow up and realise what you did, how do we explain to them? Can you imagine the issues that could leave them with, have you, for one single second, thought about anyone other than yourself?”
She kneels down in front of me and looks down into my lap at first, she draws in a breath as she tries to compose herself, I don’t bother, I just let the tears and the sobs and the other awful, inhuman noises that I’m making, come at will. “We need you George, getting you through this, is what will get us through this. Sean would be so fucking angry with you George, so fucking pissed off.” She lifts my hands out of my lap and holds them in both of hers. “No one, no one ever should have to go through what you have, but you need to look at the bigger picture, you need to consider the consequences of your actions. Can you die, knowing that Marley will probably be right behind you, that you will be leaving Ash without the love of her life, that you will be leaving Joe, Con and Annie without their Daddy, after losing their uncle, auntie and baby cousin, you are quite happy going to your grave, knowing that you are probably taking their Daddy with you, are you?” I let out another loud sob. “Are you George, fucking answer me?”
I shake my head. “No,” I whisper. “No I’m not.”
She wraps her arms around me. “Then this shit stops now, we will love and mourn for Sean and Beau for the rest of our lives, we’ll never forget them and we will help each other deal with their loss the best we can but we will not, none of us, add to the untold grief, this family is already suffering. Are we understood?” I nod my head slowly and take in a few breaths. “I love you George and I don’t want to lose you. You need to go and live your life and you need to live it large, you need to live it for Sean and for Beau too and you need to make every day count.”
If I thought listening to Jimmies words was hard, it was nothing compared to Ashley’s silence, she arrived at my Mum’s later that same afternoon. I was leaning against the worktop in the kitchen, watching my Mum make a cup of tea, Marley was sitting on a bar stool talking to us both about how well Joe was doing at football, when Ash walked in, the kids were with her but they’d all gone straight to the playroom. She ignored Marley as he said hello and strode purposefully toward me, then smacked me hard around the face as soon as I was in reach.
“Ash,” Marley shouted at her, she held up her finger for him to shush, she looked back at me. “That’s the last time George, the last fucking time you put us through this shit. Your Husband would be so ashamed, so fucking ashamed of you right now.” She then pulled me in for a cuddle and told me how much she loved me.
That all happened three weeks ago, three weeks in which I’d been alive, but dead, I didn’t die, I didn’t try and die, but I was dead anyway, death without dying is the worst kind of death.
The door to the soundproof studio at my parents’ house swung open and Marley walked in. “Up ya get George; I’ve got something out here for ya to see.”
I wipe my tears on my sleeve and stand from the old Chesterfield where I’ve been spending most of my days and follow my brother outside. There on the drive is Hilda, I turn and look at Marls. “Where did you get her from, have you been to my house?”
Marley hooks his hand over my shoulder and kisses my head. “I did, hope you don’t mind, I thought you might like to take her out for a drive?”
For the first time since December, I feel something other than pain in my chest, it’s like a tiny, tiny flicker of warmth and I look up at my brother and smile. “I don’t want to drive her out on the roads Marls but I’ll drive her around out here.”
“Yeah?” He grins down at me.
“Yeah.” I grin back.
“Well it’s a fuckin’ start I s’pose.”
And it was, more than he could ever know, in that moment I realise, it was a start, a very, very small start but a start nonetheless, the tinniest of steps forwards, the very first time this year that I have actually wanted to do something. It wasn’t much of a something, but by getting in that car and driving, my mind would have to focus on something other than my Husband, my Son and my own death and as I stand with my brother’s arm around me, staring at my beloved Hilda, I suddenly feel the merest glimmer of hope, hope that I might just get through my empty, painful, black hole of a life.
CARNAGE
PLAY LIST
The Jam, Liza Radley
The Jam, Start
The Jam, English Rose
Queen, Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Dire Straits, Romeo & Juliet
Gloria Estefan, Don’t Wanna Lose You
Alexander O’Neal, Fake
Soul 11 Soul, Back To Life
I owe so many thank yous with regard to this book, firstly to my family for once again putting up with unwashed clothes and an unwashed Mum and Wife as well as lots of uncooked dinners and un-mopped floors, they are slowly but surely realising that ‘Feral’ is the way things are in our home whenever I’m writing but they love and support me regardless and I love them beyond measure for it.
Kaylene, I really cannot thank you enough only you and I know exactly what you did and I’m eternally grateful!
To my Beta readers, I thank you for your time and your honesty.
To my SC ladies, Vix, Kaz, Tash, Nic, Chell and even Wendy who couldn’t bring herself to read Carnage unless I could assure her of an HEA, which sadly with this book I couldn’t, I thank you all regardless, for your love, support, unprintable conversations, your humour and just for always being there, despite the miles, I love ya lots, like Jelly Tots.
To my Twitter Pimps, Ally, Peita, Mags, Sara, Nellie, OfficeLady, Gi Gi, Susie and everyone else that has tweeted, retweeted and recommended my books, I thank you.
To Rachael from DCT Promotions and Rebecca @ www.thefinalwrap.com for my amazing cover, I thank you all for your patience.
If you are new to my work, you can find my other books Saviour and Resolution @ amazon.com and amazon.co.uk
You can find me on Twitter @Lesley__Jones
On facebook @ https://www.facebook.com/saviour.lesleyjones or just search for
Lesley Jones Author
On Goodreads @ https://www.goodreads.com/author/list/7061349.Lesley_Jones
Lesley was born and raised in a small working class town in Essex, just outside of East London. She’s married with three sons and in 2006 they all moved to the other side of the world, settling on the beautiful Mornington Peninsula, about fifty kilometres outside of Melbourne Australia.
Lesley is currently ‘a stay at home mum’, but in the past she has worked at ‘good old Mark & Spencer’ for thirteen years and as a teacher’s assistant.
As well as writing, Lesley loves to read and has been known to get through four or five books a week, when she’s not writing that is. Her other interests are watching her boys play football… the round ball version. She’s happy to admit to being an addict of social media and owes a lot to her Face book and Twitter family in promoting her book. Lesley is also rather partial to a glass or bottle of wine, a nicely chilled Marlborough Sav Blanc being her favourite.
Being a born and raised Essex girl, she will happily admit to be being a big fan of spray tans, Shellac and is regularly, waxed, tinted and sculpted, although she doesn’t own a pair of white stilettos…
If you are affected by any of the issues covered in this book and need to talk, please contact :
Lifeline Australia 131114
The Samaritans UK 08457 90 90 90
The Samaritans USA 1(800) 273-TALK