"And who on Earth," snapped Ordway, "is going to queue up to see a flick on the woes of a Krishnan housewife who has to haul her dishwashing water from the well? Most moviegoers want to forget sordid reality. They want romance—adventure. Anyway, that's what we're paid to give 'em, and by God's foreskin, that's what they shall get!"
At the moment, dinner arrived. Reith was agreeably surprised to find the meal simple but excellent; the roast shaihan was done just right. Fallon's Krishnan wife asked a question in Mikardandou. Turning to Paranji, Fallon summarized the discussion. Then, with a crafty smile, he turned back to Ordway, saying: "You don't think there's romance in the lives of ordinary Krishnans? I'll show you." From an inside pocket he pulled and unfolded a mass of newsprint, which proved to be a newspaper, printed on two large sheets.
"What's that?" asked Ordway.
"The Mishé Defender for the current ten-day. Let's see: 'Headless Body Found.' 'Price of Meat Falls.' 'Merchant Ghanum Knighted.' 'News of Royalty.' Ah, here we are! This is Alvandi's personal-advice column. People write in about their problems—"
"Hey!" said Reith. "Isn't that the name of the last Queen of Qirib? The one deposed and exiled?"
"Rather!"
"Is this the old she-yeki herself, or another of the same name? Or a pseudonym?"
"Wish I knew," said Fallon. "They're very secretive at the Defender. She's probably alive somewhere, because there's a movement in Qirib to restore her to the throne, as a figurehead constitutional monarch. Ever since Vizman made himself king—"
"Vizman's a king, now?" interrupted Alicia, staring.
"Why, yes. After he'd postponed the promised elections a dozen times, with the usual excuses—public unrest, the masses' political naïveté, etcetera—he announced that, to comply with the unanimous wish of the Qiribuma, he pronounced himself Dour. From what I hear, he's not doing badly as monarchs go; he's abolished slavery for one thing. But, I understand, lots of Qiribuma go about muttering that, if we've got to have a monarch, it should at least be a legitimate one. Hence the push to restore Alvandi.
"By the way, Alicia, you must certainly have made an impression on him. When he was here last year on a state visit, he asked me if I could round up any pictures of you. Seems he has a collection of old photographs, and he's having your portrait painted from them."
"Hasn't he taken a wife yet?"
"No; still unmarried. They tell me he spends time every day just looking at these photos of you. If you want to be a queen—"
"Let's not go into that," said Reith sharply, aware of the painful memories that mention of the former President Vizman of Qirib would evoke in Alicia. Her one-night liason with the Krishnan politician, though undertaken for idealistic reasons, had played a part in Reith's refusal to remarry her. "Do read us the questions and answers in Alvandi's column. They'll give us a window on the local culture and perhaps a laugh or two as well."
"Okay. Do your clients understand Mikardandou?"
"Practically speaking, no."
"Then I shall translate as I go." Slowly, pausing from time to time for the right word, Fallon read: " 'Dear Alvandi: My suitor wishes me to adopt that disgusting, perverted, unsanitary Terran custom called 'kissing.' He refuses to set our wedding date unless I do. How can I change his mind? Signed, Revolted.'
" 'Dear Revolted: You probably can't. Either learn to like the practice or find another suitor. The act doesn't seem to have hurt the Terrans.'
" 'Dear Alvandi: I am a tailor's apprentice, about to become journeyman; and I have stupidly plighted my troth to two young ladies at once. The first time, it was the night of the three moons; the second, I had a drop too much. Neither knows of the other. Both my fiancées' fathers have sharp swords. I have put off the dates of the weddings until one father muses aloud what parts he would amputate from any youth who trifled with his little girl's affections. The other father merely sits sharpening his sword and glaring when I come to call. What shall I do? Signed, Cornered.'
" 'Dear Cornered: I hear there are openings for journeymen tailors in Ghulindé, the capital of Qirib, now that some Qiribuma have taken to wearing tailored garments instead of the traditional shawl pinned over one shoulder. The alternative, perhaps impractical, would be to take your betrotheds to the Khaldoni lands, where bigamy is legal.'"
Alicia put in: "If he followed that last suggestion, he'd have to be careful to treat both wives equally. The Khaldonians are fussy about that. When I interviewed King Ainkhist's wives for Women of a Khaldoni Harem, their main complaint was that, being the nation's alpha male, he paid no attention to the law."
"Do you want to hear more?" Fallon asked. Assured of their lively interest, he continued: "Dear Alvandi: Eighty years ago, my husband wedded me. In those days, when I was in heat he could make love fifteen or twenty times a night. Now he can barely manage three or four. How can I strengthen his ability? Signed, Old but Still Ardent'
" 'Dear Ardent: At his age, three or four times is phenomenal. Thank Bákh and stop grumbling.'
" 'Dear Alvandi: The other night, at a banquet, I sat between my present husband and my former spouse. Not having seen the latter for years, I was intensely curious as to how he had fared. Hence nearly all my conversation was with my ex-husband, while my present husband sat glowering. Afterwards my present husband was furious, saying I was free to leave him and return to the other, and similar indecencies. Now he sleeps apart. What should I do? I meant no harm. Signed, Well-intentioned.'
" 'Dear Well-intentioned: When he gets over his present snit, be sure hereafter, at gatherings, to give him at least equal time with any other male, including friends, lovers, and former husbands.' "
Reith muttered in Mikardandou to Alicia: "I could have used Alvandi's help in Rosid, when you and the princess had me up a tree."
Fallon resumed: " 'Dear Alvandi: Last year my husband left me for another, and I divorced him. Lately he has been coming round, saying he and the other woman have broken up for good. He takes me out, flatters me, and even makes love to me; but he does not say whether be wishes me to take him back. Secredy I still love him; besides, I've learned that good husbands are not easily come by. How can I discover his true intentions? Signed, Forlorn.'
" 'Dear Forlorn: Why not ask him?' "
Fallon glanced up, expecting another outburst of laughter. Instead, he perceived that Reith and Alicia were looking, not at him, but at each other with set feces. This last tale, though not quite a replay of his and Alicia's stormy marital history, hit Reith too close to home for comfort; and he guessed that it struck Alicia the same way.
"Oh!" said Fallon, sensitive to his listeners' mood. "I'm sorry—ah—"
"Marvelous evening, Tony," said Reith, rising in a determined manner. "But we must get back to our digs. It's been a long day, with another just ahead of us.
When Reith kissed Alicia good night and went to his room in the Citadel, he found a note tucked under the door. It read:
The Lady Gashigi wishes to see Sir Fergus at the third hour tomorrow, alone and in confidence. Come to Suite Twelve in the Domo Building. Destroy this paper.
After breakfast, Reith left the visitors' building and made his way to Gashigi's private quarters. He found her stretched out on a chaise-longue, wearing a filmy wrap of lavender gauze.
"Far-goose!" she cried, rising and spreading welcoming arms. "Come hither, you wretched alien!"
Reith submitted to her smothering embrace. It was plain to be seen that Gashigi had put on weight.