Pandora’s day ends later than the sleep cycle I was on, so it’s not even sunset and I’m already beyond tired, but no sign of Kaoren. I haven’t actually been asleep when he’s not there since we got together, and I’m starting to get all fretty about it – and annoyed at myself for needing him there to be comfortable going to sleep. I think I’ll go bug someone rather than get all worked up.
Saturday, July 26
Southern Expedition
Long day today, but a good one, and I feel far more settled than I ended up yesterday, when the evening turned into a severe downer. I hadn’t wanted to bug anyone from First and Fourth, since I knew they’d be as tired as me, so went down to the main common room and was chatting with Dess Charn from Twelfth and Pen Alaz from Fourteenth when I fell asleep and had my first projective dream for ages.
The problem is I’m aware of people around me when I’m asleep, so falling asleep while talking to people meant I wasn’t immediately aware that I was asleep. And I dreamed that I was in the common room talking to Dess and Pen when Dess' Combat Sight alerted her to a threat, and Pen stared upward.
Strands of black were descending through the whitestone ceiling, growing longer and longer while Pen stared up at them, and it was only when the forehead emerged that it was clear that it was hair. Then the face came through, a woman, upside-down. Eyes closed, she looked calm, beautiful, but then she opened them, black pits, and smirked.
I think it was from a scary movie I saw once. Or manga. I half-recognised the scene anyway, and that made me realise I was dreaming, and I woke myself up. And Dess and Pen were both on their feet, combat-ready and staring at the exact spot on the ceiling, and then everyone nearby with Combat Sight swarmed to the room, and even though I explained, they still immediately informed their captains. Unlike the Cruzatch, this projection was completely visible in real-space, and registered very strongly as a threat, and I really hate the amount of fuss I can cause just by falling asleep.
Plus I felt that everyone was looking at me differently, some understanding for the first time what a problem I might be.
Maze and Kaoren both spoke to me to make sure I was okay, and Zee took me back to her room until Kaoren returned. I put a good face on it all, apologising and being wry and annoyed with myself, which Zee didn’t challenge, opting instead to give me a shoulder rub for the short time until the strategy meeting finished. Kaoren took very much the same approach, distracting me with a hot shower and then stroking my back after we curled up together.
I understand more and more why Kaoren would avoid a committed relationship with anyone, let alone an enhancement talent. When he’s holding me he can’t completely block what I’m feeling, but he wanted to comfort me, so last night became a demonstration of the price he’s going to pay for being with me. It didn’t help that I kept trying to force myself to not be upset because I knew it was keeping him awake, and failing only made me more upset.
I felt like it was my fault for letting my guard down, and I hate having to be on guard about something as straightforward as sleeping. And I hate being the cause of fusses, and especially making Kaoren feel he can’t go anywhere without me immediately having a drama. But, most importantly, it meant the bluesuits would think I hadn’t gained enough control, and make them more doubtful about using me in missions.
After way too long of neither of us getting any sleep Kaoren gave up, obviously deciding it was better to talk it out with me: "You’re upset because you didn’t immediately recognise it as a dream?"
"Thought I was past this," I said, trying not to sound whiny and failing. "All this training, all the time everyone’s spent helping me avoid this, and I had half the building running the first time I stopped paying attention."
He raised the lights a little, enough to see my expression, then touched my cheek. "Cassandra, I have been trained to prevent my nightmares since I was fifteen. Yet I still have them."
"That’s–"
"Different?" He leaned forward to kiss my forehead. "I don’t see how. While your nightmares have the potential to do considerably more damage, they are a product of talents you are still discovering." He paused, then added: "You’re now capable of waking at will, so the issue is those times you don’t recognise that you’re dreaming. The simplest solution would be to attempt to wake yourself whenever there is an attack, or unusual phenomena. To assume, at least momentarily, that anything could be one of your projections."
I liked that idea, and he could tell, and smiled[5]. Then he took me through a visualisation exercise, which was effective in sending me off to sleep once I stopped feeling guilty at the touch of croakiness in his voice which underlined how much he needed to sleep.
Kaoren and I talked it over when we woke this morning, while we were waiting for it to be dawn. Whether it would be better to have separate beds, or for one of us to sleep on the couch sometimes. Neither of us are keen on that option, but given how dangerous it is for him to be tired, we’re going to have to consider it. That discussion somehow segued into whether he would change his name to mine, or I would change my name to his, given the conflicting customs of our planets. We’re probably just going to leave our names alone. And we talked about children, and how we aren’t opposed to the idea, but aren’t in a hurry to have them, especially not while we’re so very much under the control of KOTIS – and not when I’m potentially facing situations like enhancing large groups during massive attacks, where my system gets so stressed out.
I’m really engaged to be married. It feels very odd to have discussions about when to have children, and to watch Kaoren’s reaction. He said he finds the idea "interesting in theory".
Today’s assignment was exploration and greysuit escort duty, and while the expeditioners were assembling I had the opportunity to drop in to see Isten Notra and say hi to Shon. Isten Notra’s looking very well, eyes sparkling and full of life. And whether or not she really had thought about setting me up with Shon, she seemed genuinely pleased for me and Kaoren – and said one or two things to him that I couldn’t hear which made him develop a faintly wry expression.
Islen Dola and Islen Nakano (the greysuits in charge of flora and fauna research) were leading a joint expedition to Mesiath, which is the platform city in the southern hemisphere tall forest. Mesiath is the old Muinan name for it – one of the discoveries made at Kalasa was a number of maps, and all the correct place names have been adopted. The old town at Pandora has been renamed Aversan, and the lake is Tai Medlar (tai is old Muinan for lake).
It was primarily a sampling expedition – seeking out plants and animals and bringing them back for cataloguing, tests, maybe even cultivation. They don’t bring back lots of animals – they capture them, take images and tissue samples, then let them go, unless they think it’s a really interesting specimen. A huge number of people were going – about a hundred – most of them belonging to flora and fauna, but also greensuits, a small group of archaeologists, device technicians, geology, survey. Mesiath has been designated a primary site, which means they’re likely to establish a settlement there, partly because it’s on the opposite seasonal cycle to Pandora, but mainly because it has a platform, but isn’t a pattern-roof village.
5
I’m collecting his smiles. I’ve built a little image gallery out of my log. A very small gallery.