Tarrin stalked away, looking to them like he was one step from a rage, but they didn't see the smile on his face.
Tarrin spent the time after confronting Amelyn as far away from everyone as possible, so he took his book, changed form, and crept into the courtyard in the middle of the maze. With the statue of the Goddess watching on, he reclined in the grass near the fountain, surrounded by smells of grass and trees and flowers, letting them distract him from reading the book. The garden, and the maze, were warm and comfortable, and that was an aspect of the magic that saturated the grounds. Long ago, he'd learned, the Ancients wove powerful magic that kept the gardens warm all year round, permanent magic that always ensured that the Tower would have green trees and vibrantly colored flowers. The magic had also infused the plants, making them bloom all year round in a perpetual spring. The air outside the garden was cool, almost crisp, and the late autumn sun carried a magical warmth that made it feel like it was early summer. It was but one secret lost to the modern katzh-dashi, lore locked within books that nobody could read, driving the Lorefinders crazy with its tantalizing proximity.
There was no going back now. But then again, he knew that there was no going back the minute he told Keritanima-or she told him-what was going on. He'd set events into motion that would ultimately end with him fleeing the Tower, and would put him in a great deal of danger. But he'd grown used to that feeling. He didn't feel safe in the Tower, not even around the very people that professed to be so worried about him, and it had developed into a constant tension within him that almost seemed to be a part of him now. It had been the visit to his parents that made it vanish, made him understand what it was and how it affected his behavior. It was what made him so short-tempered and waspish. Hitting Amelyn was a good example. He never meant to strike her, but when she laid her attitude down on him, he simply reacted, and that had been the result. And it had felt so normal that he had brushed it off, as if it was an entirely proper thing to do. To the Cat, he guessed it was. Exertion of physical force was perfectly acceptable to his animal instincts, for to them, the ends justified the means. He wanted her out of the way, and she was moved out of his way. Had he been outside the Tower grounds, he doubted he would ever have done something like that. And now that he knew about it, understood it, he would have a better chance of controlling it.
It still made him nervous, though. He had no idea how to play these games of intrigue. He hoped that what he did was a good way to start. It was designed to both set up the rebellion Keritanima wanted, and also to try to provoke the Keeper into divulging something of use to them in front of Tiella. His friend would only have five days to help, because he knew her, and he knew that she could breeze through the final test of the Novitiate. Tiella was very smart. He'd rather have set things up with the Wikuni first, Goddess knew how many of her plans he disrupted by acting on his own, but it had been a spur of the moment thing. The Cat liked spontenaity, and it impressed that characteristic into Tarrin's conscious mind.
Two worries, very different, but neither of them easy to put aside. The balance in him seemed stable enough, but actions like what he did to Amelyn never failed to start making him worry about where he stood within himself. Because of the totality of the merging between him and the animal instincts, he had lost the ability to tell where his rational mind ended, and his instincts began. He guessed that was good, but it was still a frightening concept. The old Tarrin, the idealistic, dreamy youth who was probably a bit too naive, was gone. He was dead. There was nothing but the new Tarrin now, a brooding, moody individual always one step from hurting someone. But maybe the new Tarrin would himself fade away in time, giving ground to the aspect of himself that he discovered the night before. An entirely different Tarrin appeared last night, one that even surprised him, that of a carefree, playful young Were-cat who felt perfectly at ease with himself and those around him.
That was a reaction to his environment, and it made him realize that he was very much an animal in that regard. He was being influenced by what he felt around him. He never felt safe in the Tower, was always on his guard and always wary and afraid, and it showed in his behavior. When he escaped from the Tower, if only for a night, it was as if he had been reborn. But what worried him in that regard was how long he could endure the environment of fear before it permanently scarred him. Jesmind had talked about being Feral, and now he had an idea of what that meant. The idea that he would never feel safe anywhere, would always live in fear, was almost enough to send him into a panic.
Forgetting the book, Tarrin changed form and curled up in the grass beside it, finding the ground much more comfortable when he was in his cat form. The warmth of the sun almost seemed to stroke his fur, and it seduced him into closing his eyes and simply basking in it.
You seem troubled, my kitten, that choral voice shimmered around him.
"Goddess," he said respectfully in the manner of the Cat. "Where have you been?"
Where have you been? she demanded in reply. As you can see, it's not like I can step down and go for a walk.
"Yes you could."
True, but it always sounds good, she said in a choral echo of silvery laughter.
"I thought you left for good."
Kitten, I am always with you, she told him in a loving voice. You may not feel me, but your heart does. You should listen to it. The amulet you wear connects you to me, just as much as the brands on your shoulders connect you to Fara'Nae. It lets us keep track of you, and make sure you're doing alright. I worry about you. So does she, for that matter.
"I guess I feel good that you do," he said honestly, then he caught her words. "She worries about me? Who?"
Fara'Nae, kitten, she replied. Your brands make you one of her children too. She keeps an eye on both you and Allia. Now, since I'm glad that I can still lure you in here, let's move on to the business I have with you.
"You lured me in here?"
Why else did you want to come? she asked winsomely.
"I wanted to go somewhere where nobody would bother me."
Yes, and all it took was a little reminder of my courtyard to bring you to me, she told him. Don't worry at it, kitten. It's a god thing.
"I'll take your word for it," he said urbanely.
She laughed delightedly. Look at my statue, kitten, she ordered, and he raised his head and did so. Around the nude figure's neck was a shaeram, one that looked like it was made of silver. You see the shaeram? I want you to take it and give it to Keritanima. It's for her, just as your amulet was for you and the ivory shaeram was for Allia.
"Why don't you just lure her in here?"
Because Keritanima is agnostic, she replied calmly. That means that, though she knows the gods exist, she doesn't actively worship any of them because they haven't proved that they want her.
"That doesn't make any sense."
It's a common trait in mortalkind, kitten. She's rejecting the gods, because she feels that they have rejected her. It would take a god speaking directly to her to prove that she's wanted, but her agnosticism prevents any god from speaking directly to her. I can't speak to her heart until she opens it to me.
"You spoke to me."
Yes, but you had an open mind, and you don't reject the gods, she replied. Keritanima's heart is closed, because of her position. She can't afford to be open to such things, because she sees it as a weakness, a way for her enemies to come at her. She's even more distrustful than you.