After a few seconds Otto opened his eyes and then looked sidelong at the dwarfs. He dropped the packet.
‘Oh, vot shame! Vhere can I put my face? Oh, vot must you think of me …?’
Sacharissa clapped with desperate enthusiasm. ‘No, no! We’re all very impressed! Aren’t we, everyone?’ Out of Otto’s sight, she waved one hand very deliberately at the dwarfs. There was another ragged chorus of agreement.
‘I mean, I haf been going through “cold bat” now for more than three months,’ muttered Otto. ‘It is such a disgusting thing to break down now and—’
‘Oh, raw meat’s nothing,’ said Sacharissa. ‘That’s allowed, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, but for a second there I nearly—’
‘Yes, but you didn’t,’ said Sacharissa. ‘That’s what’s important. You wanted to and didn’t.’ She turned to the dwarfs. ‘You can all go back to what you were doing,’ she said. ‘Otto is perfectly all right now.’
‘Are you sure—’ Boddony began, and then nodded. He’d rather have argued with a wild vampire than Sacharissa at this moment. ‘Right you are, miss.’
Otto sat down, wiping his forehead, as the dwarfs filed out.
Sacharissa patted his hand. ‘Do you want a drink—’
‘Oh!’
‘—of water, Otto?’ said Sacharissa.
‘No, no, everythink is okay, I think. Uh. Oh dear. My goodness. I am so sorry. You think you are on top of it, and then suddenly it all comes back to you. Vot a day …’
‘Otto?’
‘Yes, miss?’
‘What actually happened when I grabbed the eel, Otto?’
He winced. ‘I think zis is maybe not the time—’
‘Otto, I saw things. There were … flames. And people. And noise. Just for a moment. It was like watching a whole day go past in a second! What happened?’
‘Vell,’ Otto said reluctantly, ‘you know how salamanders absorb light?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Vell, zer eels absorb dark light. Not darkness, exactly, but zer light vithin darkness. Dark light … you see, dark light … vell, it has not been properly studied. It is heavier than normal light, you see, so most of it is under zer sea or in zer really deep caves in Uberwald, but zer is always a little of it even in normal darkness. It really is very fascinating—’
‘It’s a kind of magical light. Right. Could we just get more towards the point a bit?’
‘I have heard it said that dark light is zer original light from vhich all other types of light came—’
‘Otto!’
He held up a pale hand. ‘I haf to tell you these things! Haf you heard the theory that there is no such thing as zer present? Because if it is divisible, then it cannot be zer present, and if it is not divisible, then it cannot have a beginning which connects to zer past and an end that connects to zer future? The philosopher Heidehollen tells us that the universe is just a cold soup of time, all time mixed up together, and vot we call zer passage of time is merely qvantum fluctuations in zer fabric of space-time.’
‘You have very long winter evenings in Uberwald, don’t you?’
‘You see, dark light is held to be zer proof of this,’ Otto went on, ignoring her. ‘It is a light vithout time. Vot it illuminates, you see … is not necessarily now.’
He paused, as if waiting for something.
‘Are you saying it takes pictures of the past?’ said Sacharissa.
‘Or zer future. Or somevhere else. Of course, in reality zere is no difference.’
‘And all this you point at people’s heads?’
Otto looked worried. ‘I am finding strange side things. Oh, zer dvarfs say that dark light has odd … effects, but zey are very superstitious people so I did not take that seriously. However …’
He scrabbled among the debris on his bench and picked up an iconograph.
‘Oh, dear. Zis is so complicated,’ said Otto. ‘Look, zer philosopher Kling says zer mind has a dark side and a light side, you see, and dark light … is seen by zer dark eyes of zer mind …’
He paused again.
‘Yes?’ said Sacharissa politely.
‘I vas vaiting for zer roll of thunder,’ said the vampire. ‘But, alas, zis is not Uberwald.’
‘You’ve lost me there,’ said Sacharissa.
‘Vell, you see, if I vas to say something portentous like “zer dark eyes of zer mind” back home in Uberwald, zer would be a sudden crash of thunder,’ said Otto. ‘And if I vas to point at a castle on a towering crag and say “Yonder is … zer castle” a volf would be bound to howl mournfully.’ He sighed. ‘In zer old country, zer scenery is psychotropic and knows vot is expected of it. Here, alas, people just look at you in a funny vay.’
‘All right, all right, it’s a magical light that takes uncanny pictures,’ said Sacharissa.
‘That’s a very … newspaper vay of putting it,’ said Otto politely. He showed her the iconograph. ‘Look at zis vun. I vanted a picture of a dvarf vorking in the Patrician’s study and I got zis.’
The picture was a wash of blurs and swirls, and there was a vague outline of a dwarf, lying down on the floor and examining something. But superimposed on this was quite a clear picture of Lord Vetinari. Two pictures of Lord Vetinari, each figure staring at the other.
‘Well, it’s his office and he’s always in there,’ said Sacharissa. ‘Does the … magic light pick that up?’
‘Maybe,’ said Otto. ‘Ve know that vot is physically zere is not alvays vot is really zere. Look at zis vun.’
He handed her another picture.
‘Oh, that’s a good one of William,’ she said. ‘In the cellar. And … that’s Lord de Worde standing just behind him, isn’t it?’
‘Is it?’ said the vampire. ‘I don’t know zer man. I do know that he vas not in zer cellar ven I took the picture. But … you only have to talk to Mr Villiam for any length of time to see that, in a vay, his father is alvays looking over his shoulder—’
‘That’s creepy.’
Sacharissa looked around the cellar. The stone walls were old and stained, but they certainly weren’t blackened.
‘I just saw … people. Men fighting. Flames. And … silver rain. How can it rain underground?’
‘I do not know. That’s vy I study dark light.’
Noises above suggested that William and Goodmountain had returned.
‘I wouldn’t mention this to anyone else,’ said Sacharissa, heading for the ladder. ‘We’ve got enough to deal with. That’s creepy.’
There was no name outside the bar, because those who knew what it was didn’t need one. Those who didn’t know what it was shouldn’t go in. Ankh-Morpork’s undead were, on the whole, a law-abiding bunch, if only because they knew the law paid them a certain amount of special attention, but if you walked into the place known as Biers on a dark night and had no business there, who would ever know?
For the vampires[10], it was a place to hang up. For the werewolves, it was where you let your hair down. For the bogeymen, it was a place to come out of the closet. For the ghouls, it did a decent meat pasty and chips.
All eyes, and that was not the same thing as the number of heads multiplied by two, turned to the door when it creaked open. The newcomers were surveyed from dark corners. They wore black, but that didn’t mean anything. Anyone could wear black.
10
Those, that is, who weren’t gathered around the harmonium at the Temperance Mission nervously singing songs about how much they liked cocoa.