“I don’t want any pink ones—that’s way too big for me,” I told her.
She replied, “Okay, no pink ones.” She told me to take my shirt off as she snapped on a pair of blue nitrile gloves.
She rubbed down my chest with alcohol, looked me in the eye with alarming concentration, and told me to take a deep breath. The first needle felt good—a brief prick, then a smooth sliding underneath my skin as the needle penetrated me. I looked down and there it was, a sharp and shiny point that disappeared into a strip of raised skin then came out the other side capped with a blue plastic tip. It was on my chest above my left breast, and it soon had a twin on the right side. She continued moving down my chest, inserting needle after needle. There were some that were so smooth they slid right in with a sensation very much like a finger in a wet pussy. There were some that were slower or deeper and made me squeeze Daddy’s hand really hard as she whispered in my ear, “That’s a good girl. Breathe. Deep breaths. There you go.”
Body modification: play piercing/temporary piercing, suture play, stapling, saline inflation, permanent piercing, cutting, branding
Tools: piercing needles, sutures, sterile staples, scalpels, branding tools
What happens after a scene is just as significant as what goes on during it. Think about it: you’ve just had an intimate experience with someone, and you need to make sure she is all right physically and mentally. Whether you play like you have in the past, do something for the first time, explore a new dynamic, or push harder than ever before, it’s wise to check in with each other. A scene is like an extraordinary date, a highflying adventure, or a one-of-a-kind experience—one or both of you are likely to be flooded with endorphins afterward. You might feel energized and excited, worn out and beat down, or, seemingly inexplicably, both. You may be lightheaded or feel like you’ve run a marathon or seen God. You may feel exuberant, meditative, vulnerable, anxious, giddy, confused, scared, transcendent, or dumbfounded at what just happened. These sensations are all completely normal and quite common. Let the feelings, even the scary or overwhelming ones, wash over you. Take a deep breath.
Imagine you’ve doled out a heavy caning that tested the limits of your partner’s body, pain tolerance, stamina, and perseverance. You just gave it, and good—now take care of the person who took it. If you’re the top, part of your responsibility is to ensure the well-being of your bottom. First address some basic needs with questions like these: Do you need to use the restroom? Do you want to stand up (or sit down—because your bottom has been kneeling or standing for an hour during a scene)? Do you want to leave the play space and go somewhere more private, quieter, more comfortable? Are you too warm or too cold? Do you need a blanket or change of clothes? Offer water or another beverage to make sure the bottom stays hydrated and a snack to combat low blood sugar, especially if the scene involved heavy physical play. As part of your negotiation process, you should discuss any specific needs you might have after a scene. That way, you can come prepared rather than scrambling to find an energy bar or a sweatshirt for someone who needs it right away.
Some partners want to process their experiences and feelings about the scene right away, so you need to be prepared to do that; people may have a lot of different emotions afterward. Be ready to listen, validate, and comfort. Some people want sex play, making out, or some sweet cuddling as part of aftercare. Others need a few kind words, a hug, and a lollipop, and they’re on their way. After an intense scene, people also like to follow up with a check-in a day or two later; often, right after a scene, you’re still in the afterglow, but feelings may come up later that you want to discuss. Bottom drop is a common experience where, after the high of a scene wears off (which can take hours or days), a bottom suddenly feels sad, depressed, anxious, lonely, or confused. If you experience this drop, the antidote is often just to reach out to partners, friends, and loved ones for support and reassurance.
Since the bottom is the one who receives the cane strikes, the piercing needles, or the interrogation, there is often a lot of emphasis on the bottom’s safety, comfort, and well-being. Do not forget that tops (and Dominants and sadists) also need safewords, have limits, and want aftercare. Tops: make sure you take care of yourself, have what you may need handy, and ask for what you want. Post-scene, tops may experience the malaise of top drop, and anyone can encounter event drop, which frequently happens after you get home from a fun, play-filled BDSM event. Aftercare is different for everyone; don’t assume you know what someone wants—ask.
These definitions are not meant to be exhaustive and definitive; they are a brief introduction to (or refresher course on) common terminology and tenets used in the book. Many of the concepts are explored in depth in the chapters ahead. While it’s true that language and labels can often limit, exclude, or box us in, words can also help us define ourselves, communicate, and connect with others. Use these explanations as a kind of shorthand and starting point. It’s worth asking others, What does dominant mean to you? Why do you identify as a masochist? What kind of a bottom are you? Likewise, ask a play partner what his or her own values are. What do you think about SSC? How do you garner consent? What is your communication style during a scene? Questions like these can lead to useful, fruitful discussions. With a new partner, it’s common to get a reference from someone else who’s played with him or her. Most kinky people I’ve met take pride in their skills, experience, and integrity. They strongly believe in the tenets of BDSM, and they are invested in earning the respect of their play partners and peers. Use these conversations as an opportunity to gauge if you are on the same page before you’re ready to invest time and trust with someone. If you start with a solid foundation, the sky’s the limit.
CHAPTER 2
MAKING AN IMPACT: SPANKING, CANING, AND FLOGGING
LOLITA WOLF
I scanned the play party. Other than a scene going on in the sling, it was mostly clusters of groups socializing on the couches. I spotted the redhead, who was dressed like a doll, with a nametag that said “Dolly.” Nobody was playing with her and she did not seem to belong to anybody.
I went over and touched her. She felt so lifelike. I think she was one of those Real Dolls. She was life-sized, but still smaller than me so it was only a little awkward to maneuver her around.