“Or tape worms,” I said.
I watched her drench the pancakes with syrup. I didn’t give a diddle how much the girl ate-and frankly I didn’t have much room to talk inasmuch as I was about to put a waffle on top of the oatmeal I’d had an hour earlier-but prattling on about her gluttony did keep me from bringing up the touchy subject I’d lured her there to discuss. So I gave her another zinger. “You may not have anything to worry about now, dear,” I said. “But twenty years from now you’re going to wake up with Big Waldo clinging to your thighs.”
She wiggled her perfect little eyebrows. “And all for just $5.95.”
Yes, Gabriella Nash was a bit too emotional for my taste. Yes, like most young reporters, she was mesmerized by her brilliant future. And yes, I still had a bug up my behind about the things she’d written in the college newspaper about me. “Sprowls,” she wrote, “is the desk-bound gnome who watches over the newspaper’s morgue, where the stories real reporters write are filed away for future reference.” But sitting there that morning, exchanging smart-ass comments, eating that sinfully good food, well, good gravy, what can I say? I liked the horrible girl. “There’s a chance you may be right about Violeta Bell,” I admitted.
“Are you trying to apologize?” she asked, slowly feeding a slice of bacon into her mouth.
“Let’s not use the A-word, Gabriella. That only levels the playing field between us.”
“Okay then-what word should we use?”
I speared a blueberry and dipped it in the mountain of fresh whipped cream atop my waffle. “The R-word. I’ve been reevaluating what you said-about the possibility that your story had something to do with her murder.”
She wasn’t prepared to go there. Her tough-girl veneer began to crack like stale lipstick. “But the cops have the killer. And the motive.”
I patted her hand. “They’ve got squat.” I told her about Eddie French’s aversion to guns. I did not, of course, tell her about Bob Averill’s aversion to Eddie’s sister.
She played with her hash browns, pulling away the crunchy ones on the outside to get to the soft ones inside. “Well, it’s not my story any more, is it?”
“No, it isn’t,” I said. “But I don’t think either of us want to see that wacky cab driver railroaded for something he didn’t do.”
“You want me to help you interfere with a police investigation?”
“Only if you want to.”
Gabriella tightened her lips until they turned white. Either she was on the cusp of crying or squishing her last remaining pancake in my face. “This isn’t fair, Mrs. Sprowls. You’re trying to play on my guilt.”
“Let’s stay away from the G-word, too,” I said. “You have no reason to feel responsible for anything. And neither do I. When I saw those women piling out of that cab at the garage sale, I knew it would make a good story. And you did a good job with it. A great job.”
Gabriella, thank God, dug into that last pancake. “Now you’re trying to butter me up.”
I had no choice but to tell her more than I should. “I can’t tell you who-but someone uncomfortably close to Mr. French’s situation has asked me to sniff around a little. As a rather complicated favor. And in order to do that favor-well, I’m going to need a little favor from you.”
She shook her forkful of dripping pancake at me. “I can see why they call you Morgue Mama.”
I took the fork from her and devoured the piece of pancake like a snake swallowing a helpless tadpole. “It would be smart to stay away from those particular M-words, too, Gabriella.”
“I will.”
“You bet you will.”
I let her eat in peace-for a minute-then took another bite out of her hide. “Your story on the Queens of Never Dull was really quite good. But there was one important thing you left out.”
“I did?”
“Yes, you did.” I wagged my fork at her. “Regarding Violeta Bell’s claim that she was Romanian royalty. You failed to say whether she spoke with an accent or not.”
It was as if she’d just had the Pulitzer Prize taken away from her. “You’re right. That would have been a good touch.”
I pretended to be incensed. In reality I was just playing with her. “A good touch? We’re not discussing your prose here, Gabriella. We’re talking about truth.”
That rankled her. “The story was about four old ladies going to garage sales, Mrs. Sprowls. Not about whether one of them was the queen of Romania.”
“Weren’t you at least a little curious about her claim?”
“Well, sure. But the story-”
I let her off the hook. “All I’m saying is that you should have mentioned whether she spoke with an accent or not.”
Gabriella was finally on to me. “This isn’t about my story. This is about your investigation.”
“Of course it’s about my investigation. Whether Violeta Bell was Romanian royalty might be important.”
“Why would that be important?”
“Anything unusual about a murder victim might be important,” I said. “And claiming to be the queen of Romania is certainly unusual.”
“That it is.”
“Her quotes in your story suggest that the Communists ran her family out of Romania,” I said. “I’m not sure when the Communists took over there. But it was shortly after World War II. That’s when all those Eastern European countries fell to the Communists. Which means she would have been a teenager when she left. Which means she might have had an accent-a trace of one maybe-if she was telling the truth.”
Gabriella folded her hands and leaned over the table as if I was her hard-of-hearing great-great-grandmother. “She did not speak with an accent.”
“Did she sound like she was from Ohio?”
We left Waldo’s in my car. It was nine-thirty already and both the eastbound and westbound lanes of Apple Street were clogging with people frantically trying to get to the supermarket before everybody else did. We turned onto Hardihood Avenue and drove north through the ever-bigger houses. We were heading, of course, to the Carmichael House, to see if we could make a surprise visit to one of the three surviving Queens of Never Dull. I wasn’t exactly proud of myself for making Gabriella come along, but what was I to do? I needed her to get my foot in the door.
“You have a preference who we try first?” Gabriella asked as we wound through the landscapers’ trucks parked on both sides of the street.
I rolled up my window to block out the roar of the mowers racing back and forth across the beautifully manicured lawns like morbidly obese bumblebees. “How about that stripper, Kay Hausenfelter? She sounds like the most fun.”
“That’s some criteria for investigating a murder.”
“Nothing wrong with having a little fun,” I said. “And besides she gave you the best quotes.”
“She was talkative.”
The real reason I wanted to see Kay Hausenfelter first was because she was the only member of the Never Dulls whom Eric had finished researching for me. What he found was now stuffed in my brain, at the ready, in case Kay said something that didn’t jive with the facts.
Kay Hausenfelter was born on a farm in Oklahoma, 76 years ago, to Chester and Eleanor Pull. She was the last of seven children. The Pulls migrated to the fruit fields of California during the Dust Bowl years, to keep from starving. By the time she was seventeen, Kay was shedding her clothes in striptease establishments up and down the West Coast. She was billed as Klondike Kay, “Gorgeous Gold-Digger of the not-so-frigid North.” She’d take the stage covered head-to-toe in an Eskimo parka and knee-high mukluks. By the time she wiggled off the stage, she was down to a furry g-string and papier-mache pasties painted to look like gold nuggets. It was in Los Angeles that young Harold Hausenfelter caught her act, during the 33rd Annual Bakers amp; Confectioners Convention. Harold was the shy and impressionable scion of Hannawa bread-baking baron Gottfried Hausenfelter. Harold brought Kay home to Hannawa as his wife. What Gottfried must have thought of his son’s bride is anybody’s guess-albeit an easy guess.
Gabriella and I reached the Carmichael House. It was not a particularly handsome building. A ten-story cereal box with narrow, dangling balconies nobody in their right mind would go out on. Anyone over sixty could live there, if they could afford it, but from what I’d heard it was mostly filled with women whose husbands had done very well before they died. We parked in the visitors’ spaces on the side and followed the pachysandra-lined walk to the front. Gabriella buzzed Kay Hausenfelter’s unit.