Ten more days of teaching.
Dear, dear Kleinchen, may God bless you and give you happiness. I wish you that with all my heart.
June 13
Tonight I dreamed of you, Kleinchen, you were with me, I was in your arms, and I wondered, dreaming, if the dream was true. When I woke up, my arms were empty. Dearest one, come today; today is the 13th.
No, you won’t come. You won’t come, however much I want you.
Today many difficult hours are ahead of me.
June 13
It’s nine o’clock in the evening, the bell announces the time and also the end of my dream. Laying my desire to rest in the grave. Kleinchen, dearest one, farewell. Farewell forever, and may God bless you and with you all those dear to you. I can’t, I won’t, be angry with you, because it’s not your fault. Lord, miraculous, invisible Force that directs and rules us all, do not abandon me! Give me consolation, take pity on me! Grant my wish and give me peace, rest. Kleinchen, I write this with my heart’s blood.
June 26
I haven’t written anything for thirteen days. And what was there to write? My heart is a throbbing wound. I have conquered, but I cannot forget. As I leave, Almighty God, help me! I will visit my father’s grave, but also want to do something for my health. Whenever I take up this book, my eyes fill with tears. I did what I swore to do, but God, how empty my life is.
July 5
The fifth day of my travels. I’m here at Kustošija, at Klara’s. They are both good people, but I’m afraid of being a burden to them. I still feel terrible. I can find no peace. I would gladly continue on my way without a pause. God in heaven, be with me. There’s a bitterness in me, as if I hated everyone. Heavenly God, hear my prayer, you know what would bring me tranquillity.
July 14
When I began my travels, I thought that I would write something every day in this little book, but things have turned out differently. I’m tired, I sleep a great deal, and that is for the best. To sleep and not feel anything. I haven’t gone to a doctor yet, afraid of finding out the truth. This week I must go back, unspeakably difficult for me, but I must. For the last time my eyes will take in all the dear places where I was once happy— but also terribly unhappy. Almighty God in Heaven, do not abandon me!
August 11
It’s almost a month since I jotted anything down, yet so much has happened. The first thing was that I went to a doctor and, thank God, he gave me a favorable diagnosis. He told me that he wished all his women patients were as healthy as I was, and assured me that I was in no danger. With that illness, he said, you can live a hundred years. And then: Be brave; when you feel the pain, come to Kárpáti. And walk, walk a great deal, move around a lot, and, most of alclass="underline" love. That’s what the kind little doctor said. I like thinking of him, of his soft eyes. How charming, the way he hurriedly lowered them when I looked at him. He said: Women don’t find understanding in men, which generates neurosis, and neurosis, in turn, generates all sorts of illnesses. He was right. I will follow his advice, and I’m so grateful to him — and glad that he found pleasure in looking at me.
And now — Egon.
Egon, little Egon, handsome you are not, but there is something about you that excites. You’re not honest, not sincere, but what does that matter: you kiss well. Passionately. I love your kisses. You want to drink the glass to the bottom, but it didn’t work out for you. Be my friend; a friend is what I want, nothing more. Nothing more, because I saw into you, saw through you— poor little fool. But it was good. I had several fine hours with you, I won’t forget them. You made promises and swore by many things, but it was all deception. Silly little Egon.
I’m over it. Yesterday I suffered, today I’m singing. But in the depths of my soul, God only knows. Now off to the theater.
August 13
I woke up happy. Yesterday I was with Egon. He was kind and sweet, but now I must leave.
A good vacation, but too brief.
Egon, your kiss on my hand burns.
You don’t deserve it but I love you.
August 16
Home again! How miserable, to be here. Alone. It’s all over. Unspeakable pain, that everything must end this way. My departure from Zagreb was bleak, my future is bleak. Almighty God, you must not abandon me. Give me the strength to forget. My hardest hours are ahead. Will Egon answer? I can hardly believe he will, because I wounded him. It was partly his fault, though. I did spend some happy hours with him, but a woman needs more. But it was my fault, too, because he was sincere — sincere in a sense. When I think of his vows, it hurts. No, I must forget.
August 25
I’ve been at home for ten days. The workmen are putting insulation in my room, so I’m practically without a place to live, which makes me nervous. But that’s not the worst of it. I have other problems. God in Heaven help me. I hope next week will bring a little relief. On Wednesday (the 21st) I received another postcard from Egon. I didn’t answer it, since he has not answered my letter. Perhaps he lost interest, not obtaining what he wanted. But that’s unimportant now. My conscience tells me he’s not the right man for me. Inconstant. It’s true that I am drawn to cheerful dispositions, but Egon is not sensitive enough for me. Disagreements would be inevitable. I must be sensible. But it’s all in God’s hands. I must be brave, I must go on. And where is Kleinchen now?
I’ve been to three lectures. Professor K. spoke wonderfully. About poetry, the indefatigable Leonardo da Vinci, and yesterday Christ and the Jews. He said the Jews are the greatest materialists, but without them it would be hard for the others to survive. They are the mortar between the bricks. Without Jews we would not be able to think logically. They are the creators of science. He went on to say that the greatest anti-Semites were themselves the greatest Jews. He spoke marvelously about Marx, Freud, Adler, Einstein. And then about judging people. His opinion is that we should judge only after we know the essence of a man. We should approach everyone with respect, for in every human being there is something noble, which must be explored.
October 1
Dear little book, how long you have lain untouched. I’ve been very busy, and was ill, a slight infection of the bladder. But I’m better now. Protect me, Almighty God, from illness.
My work helps me surmount everything. And helps me forget. Only when reading Egon’s letter do I feel a gentle pain. I cannot understand how a person can be so imperfect. It is a question of morals. I don’t want to be angry with him. Perhaps I will see him when I go to Zagreb. But I have become indifferent to him.
And Kleinchen, where is he? I won’t call him, although I would like to see him. That, too, will come.
Thank God I have a lot of pupils. Perhaps I will even make enough to go away for Christmas. That would be marvelous. I must go away more often, otherwise I will become completely cut off from people. But we shall see.