And if he doesn't learn to do those things, what'll you have? What kind of marriage would that be? Probably the same kind he had with his ex-wife, lousy. Maybe he'd always resent you for trying to force him to give something that's not in him. It sounds like that's what bothered him about the first one, and yet he hasn't even divorced her. How long is that going to go on? Two more years? Five? Ten? Why are you doing this to yourself? It's like you're punishing yourself. You deserve so much more than that, don't you see that? It was what her own mother had said, but Jeff's voice was clearer.
And what if you turn out to be just like him? she said sadly, voicing her worst fear, her greatest terror. In the end, they all turned out to be like Brandon, but that was how she chose them.
Do I remind you of him now? he asked, and she laughed through her tears.
No, you remind me of my father. Simon Steinberg.
I take that as a real compliment, Jeff said sincerely.
It is, and I mean it. You remind me a little bit of my brother, and Alan too, she said, smiling wistfully at him, thinking of all the good men in her life, and not the ones frozen in their inability to give, like Brandon, and the men who had come before him.
Have you ever tried talking to someone about this? he asked naively, and she laughed.
Ah, yes, the great western sport of therapy. And for how many years can you play it? I've been doing it for four. I see my therapist on Thursdays, she said matter-of-factly.
And what does he or she say ‘ or would you rather not discuss it? he asked hesitantly. He was puzzled by why she was hanging on to someone who was obviously giving her so little. Even she seemed to see it, although Jeff noticed that she defended him a lot, and she seemed used to doing it, so others must have told her the same thing before him.
No, I'm used to discussing it, she said openly as they skated around the rink again. She says it's an old problem, and it is. I pick men who are constitutionally unable to love me, or anyone. But I think Brandon is better than the earlier models. Jeff didn't know what they'd been like, but he wasn't impressed by what he'd heard of Brandon. At least he's trying.
How can you tell? Jeff said almost meanly. What is it that he does for you?
He loves me, she said stubbornly. He may be uptight and repressed, but behind all that, I think he'd be there for me if I needed him. She always told herself that, but he'd never had to prove it.
Are you sure of that, Allegra? Jeff asked her pointedly. Think about it. When was the last time he was there for you? I hardly know you, and I already think he's going to let you down badly one of these days. He can't even divorce his ex-wife. What's he saving her for? But she looked so unhappy when he asked her that, that Jeff decided to drop it. I'm sorry, he said apologetically. I'm probably just jealous. I have no right to say those things. It just seems so unfair. It's so hard to meet anyone you really care about, and suddenly there you are, with Brandon standing next to you, like a trail of tin cans on a cat's tail. I guess I'd like to get rid of him and simplify the situation. She laughed at the analogy, and she understood the implications.
I understand, she said, and he had hit some nerves in her, but she didn't admit it to him. She'd been with Brandon for two years, and she wasn't about to break up with him because he didn't go to the Golden Globes, or because he didn't tell her he loved her on the phone, or because he liked to go back to his own apartment after he made love to her, or because she had met a handsome, appealing writer in New York. You didn't throw your whole life out the window because someone took you skating. But there was also no denying how much Jeff appealed to her. He had knocked her right off her feet, and she knew it. But that had nothing to do with Brandon.
They skated arm in arm until the end of the session, then returned their skates, and she was still quiet when they got back in the carriage. Jeff was sorry he had blown off steam, and he invited her up to his mother's apartment for a drink, but she thought she should go back to the hotel. It was already late and she had to get up early in the morning.
I promise I'll behave. I shouldn't have said all those things about him, Allegra. I'm sorry.
I'm nattered. She smiled at him. And I'd love to have a rain check for the drink. I've got to get up early tomorrow morning. And with that, she settled back against the seat, in his arms, and he sat there thinking that he'd like to be getting up with her in the morning. But he didn't say anything as they rolled along, listening to the sound of the horse's feet and watching it snow out the window.
It's pretty, isn't it? he said gently, and she nodded, and smiled up at him.
I loved the skating. Thank you, Jeff. It had been so much more fun than a fancy French dinner. She loved every moment she spent with him, even when he hassled her about Brandon. And no matter how much it irritated her, she understood perfectly why he did it. Brandon certainly left himself wide open to criticism, but she wasn't thinking about Brandon now. She was thinking about Jeff as they rolled through the park toward the Plaza.
You're a pretty good skater, he praised her, and she laughed easily. But you're a truly great kisser. She giggled in answer.
So are you, and a good sport. They started chatting again then, and by the time they left the park, they were laughing and talking and at ease with each other. When they reached her hotel, the driver helped them down, Jeff paid and tipped the driver handsomely, and then the horse and buggy left them. I feel like Cinderella, she said, as she watched them go in the snow, down Park Avenue, and handed him the angora mittens, as he chuckled.
Now what? We both turn into pumpkins? he asked, amused, and happier than he'd been in ages. He thought Allegra was terrific.
It was so much fun. I loved it. It had been perfect with the snow, and the skating. And as she looked up at him, and thought of kissing him, she felt a twinge of desire for him deep in the pit of her stomach. He walked her inside, and waited for the elevator with her, and then he surprised her by stepping into it with her. Much to her own astonishment, she didn't object, and they stood side by side, very quietly, and got out on the fourteenth floor. He followed her to her room and she took the key out of her pocket. She didn't invite him in, she just stood there looking at him, feeling wistful. She wished that things were different than they were, that Brandon hadn't been in her life for two years, but he had, and there was no point changing that now for a romantic night in the snow, with a stranger.
I'll leave you here, he said quietly, looking as troubled as she was. He didn't want to bang his head against a brick wall either. But he couldn't seem to let her go, nor believe that she wanted what she had, or didn't have, with Brandon.
He was about to say good night to her, and he had no intention of pressing her any further, when she took a single step toward him, and he couldn't help himself. He pulled her into his arms, and kissed her, holding her so tight she almost couldn't breathe, but she loved it. She felt safe and protected and desired, and there was no question of how badly he wanted her, and she knew that if she ever spent the night with him, he would never want to leave before morning.
She kissed him again and again, wanting him as badly as he wanted her, and then she pulled away and shook her head sadly. I can't do this, Jeff. There were tears in her eyes when she looked at him, and he nodded.
I know that. I wouldn't even want you to right now. You'd hate me afterward. Why don't we just let it be like this for a while? Kind of an old-fashioned romance, some hugging and kissing, and just being there, or maybe just friends, if that's what you want. I'll do whatever you want, he said gently. I'm not going anywhere, don't feel pressured.