'As I was saying,' he stammered just as his audience began to whisper among themselves, 'none of the books I have recommended will do more than scratch the surface of the problem of being English...or rather of knowing the nature of the English.' For the next half an hour he strung disjointed sentences together and finally muttering something about pragmaticism gathered his notes together and ended the lecture. He was just climbing down from the stage when Irmgard left her seat and approached him.
'Mr Wilt,' she said, 'I want to say how interesting I found your lecture.'
'Very good of you to say so,' said Wilt dissembling his passion.
'I was particularly interested in what you said about the parliamentary system only seeming to be democratic. You are the first lecturer we have had who has put the problem of England in the context of social reality and popular culture. You were very illuminating.'
It was an illuminated Wilt who floated out of the auditorium and up the steps to his office. There could be no doubt about it now Irmgard was not simply beautiful. She was also radiantly intelligent. And Wilt had met the perfect woman twenty years too late.
Chapter 5
He was so preoccupied with this new and exhilarating problem that he was twenty minutes late for the meeting of the Education Committee and arrived as Mr Dobble was leaving with the film projector and the air of a man who has done his duty by putting the cat among the pigeons.
'Don't blame me, Mr Wilt,' he said as Wilt scowled, 'I'm only here to...'
Wilt ignored him and entered the room to find the Committee arranging themselves around a long table. A solitary chair was placed conspicuously at the far end and, as Wilt had foreseen, they were all there, the Principal, the Vice-Principal, Councillor Blighte-Smythe, Mrs Chatterway, Mr Squidley and the Chief Education Officer.
'Ah, Wilt,' said the Principal by way of unenthusiastic greeting. 'Take a seat.'
Wilt steeled himself to avoid the solitary chair and sat down beside the Education Officer. 'I gather you want to see me about the anti-pornographic film made by a member of the Liberal Studies Department,' he said, trying to take the initiative.
The Committee glared at him.
'You can cut the anti for a start,' said Councillor Blighte-Smythe, 'what we have just seen buggers...er...beggars belief. The thing is downright pornography.'
'I suppose it might be to someone with a fetish about crocodiles,' said Wilt. 'Personally, since I haven't had the chance to see the film, I can't say how it would affect me.'
'But you did say it was anti-pornographic,' said Mrs Chatterway whose progressive opinions invariably put her at odds with the Councillor and Mr Squidley, 'and as Head of Liberal Studies you must have sanctioned it. I'm sure the Committee would like to hear your reasons.'
Wilt smiled wryly. 'I think the title of Head of Department needs some explaining, Mrs Chatterway,' he began, only to be interrupted by Blighte-Smythe.
'So does this fuc... filthy film we've just had to see. Let's stick to the issue,' he snapped.
'It happens to be the issue,' said Wilt. 'The mere fact that I am called Head of Liberal Studies doesn't mean I am in a position to control what the members of my so-called staff do.'
'We know what they ruddy well do,' said Mr Squidley, 'and if any man on my workforce started doing what we've watched I'd soon give him the boot.'
'Well, it's rather different in education,' said Wilt. 'I can lay down guidelines in regard to teaching policy, but I think the Principal will agree that no Head of Department can sack a lecturer for failing to follow them.' Wilt looked at the Principal for confirmation. It came regretfully. The Principal would happily have sacked Wilt years ago. 'True,' he muttered.
'You mean to tell us you can't get rid of the pervert who made this film?' demanded Blighte-Smythe.
'Not unless he continually fails to turn up for his teaching periods, is habitually drunk, or openly cohabits with students, no,' said Wilt.
'Is that true?' Mr Squidley asked the Education Officer.
'I'm afraid so. Unless we can prove blatant incompetence or sexual immorality involving a student, there's no way of removing a full-time lecturer.'
'If getting a student to bugger a crocodile isn't sexual immorality I'd like to know what is,' said Councillor Blighte-Smythe.
'As I understand it the object in question was not a proper crocodile and there was no actual intercourse,' said Wilt, 'and in any case the lecturer merely recorded the event on film. He didn't participate himself.'
'He'd have been arrested if he had,' said Mr Squidley. 'It's a wonder the sod wasn't lynched.'
'Aren't we in danger of losing the central theme of this meeting?' asked the Principal. 'I believe Mr Ranlon has some other questions to raise.'
The Education Officer shuffled his notes. 'I would like to ask Mr Wilt what his policy guidelines are in regard to Liberal Studies. They may have some bearing on a number of complaints we have received from members of the public.' He glared at Wilt and waited.
'It might help if I knew what those complaints were,' said Wilt stalling for time, but Mrs Chatterway intervened.
'Surely the purpose of Liberal Studies has always been to inculcate a sense of social responsibility and concern for others in the young people in our care, many of whom have themselves been deprived of a progressive education.'
'Depraved would be a better word if you ask me,' said Councillor Blighte-Smythe.
'Nobody did,' barked Mrs Chatterway. 'We all know very well what your views are.'
'Perhaps if we heard what Mr Wilt's views are...' suggested the Education Officer.
'Well, in the past Liberal Studies consisted largely of keeping day-release apprentices quiet for an hour by getting them to read books,' said Wilt. 'In my opinion they didn't learn anything and the system was a waste of time.' He halted in the hope that the Councillor would say something to infuriate Mrs Chatterway. Mr Squidley squashed the hope by agreeing with him.
'Always was and always will be. I've said it before and I'll say it again. They'd be better employed doing a proper day's work instead of wasting ratepayers' money loafing in classrooms.'
'Well at least we have some measure of agreement,' said the Principal pacifically. 'As I understand it Mr Wilt's guideline has been a more practical one. Am I right, Wilt?'
'The policy of the department has been to teach apprentices how to do things. I believe in interesting them in...'
'Crocodiles?' enquired Councillor Blighte-Smythe.
'No,' said Wilt.
The Education Officer looked down the list in front of him. 'I see here that your notion of practical education includes home brewing.'
Wilt nodded.
'May one ask why? I shouldn't have thought encouraging adolescents to become alcoholics served any educational purpose.'
'It serves to keep them out of pubs for a start,' said Wilt. 'And in any case Gas Engineers Four are not adolescents. Half of them are married men with children.'
'And does the course in home brewing extend to the manufacture of illicit stills?'
'Stills?' said Wilt.
'For making spirit.'
'I don't think anyone in my department would have the expertise. As it is the stuff they brew is...'
'According to Customs and Excise almost pure alcohol,' said the Education Officer. 'Certainly the forty-gallon drum they unearthed from the basement of the Engineering block had to be burnt. In the words of one Excise officer, you could run a car on the muck.'