OTTMAR BALLEAU X 2
by George Bamber
Sometimes the labels are meaningful. But sometimes— This story is a careful, indeed painstaking. Imaginative extrapolation from the best available data on a major frontier of scientific endeavor; yet it is not science fiction.
Fantasy — subjective fantasy — is its subject matter; but it is not a fantasy.
Once, it might have been a story of daemonic possession; today, if is not.
It mocks certain of our most cherished institutions, with barb-edged humor; but it is hardly true satire.
If utilizes a distinctly alien viewpoint to accomplish an effect of horror; yet it is not really a horror story.
It is “S-F”; first-rate imaginative, speculative fiction. It is also, by the way, another FPS (First Published Story, for future reference) — and again, by an already established writer — this time of radio drama, most notably for the CBS Radio “Suspense” show.
March 18, 1960
Ft Lauderdale,
Fla. 12:30 P.M.
Hi Red:
I just finished turning you off the television… but you were already off the air… (Hah, hah! Scared you for a minute!) Seriously, Red, you’re the funniest one they got on the television — hope to see more of you! (Hah, hah!) I never miss a show. People say you’re almost as funny as I am. (Hah!) You’re a lot like me. I say laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you know what!!! I’m only kidding, Red! I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. You’re too funny. (Hah, hah!)
I just thought I’d write and let you know that everybody out here watches you. Never miss a show. When Red Time comes — (NOT COMMUNIST) — sets go on all over the world. EVERYBODY watches: Mrs. Kennedy, Jerry and Marge at their bar and grill, Mr. and Mrs. Nolan, Dean Rusk… the whole wide world.
I just thought I’d (squeak) write and tell you. If you’re looking for material, I guess you know where to come! (Hah, hah!) That’s right, ME! I’ve got close to 5,832 jokes written. A LAUGH A MINUTE! Could be worth thousands to the right party: YOU! (Hah, hah!) Others have tried to buy! But I won’t sell!!!!! I have them buried (so don’t worry, they’re safe.) I want to give them to you FREE!!! We can save the world!!!!! Write if you’re interested. This could be the turning point of your (hah!) career. Be sure to write:
Mr. Ottmar Balleau,
1365 Oceanway,
Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.
SPECIAL DELIVERY
Don’t delay. Send in Today! (Hah, hah!)
Sincerely,
Ottmar Balleau x 2
P.S. Good luck on your next (squeak) show.
P.P.S. I’ll be watching!!!!!
March 24, 1960
Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla. 12:30 P.M.
Red:
Excuse the index card. In case I forgot, my return address is:
Mr. Ottmar Balleau x 2,
1365 Oceanway,
Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.
Keep smiling!
(Hah, hah!)
Send no money. IMMEDIATELY!!! Reverse the charges.
Ott. Balleau x 2
P.S. Help stamp out DRUNKS! You’re welcome.
March 24, 1960
Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla. 6:30 P.M.
Dear Red:
I guess you’re pretty busy. That’s why you haven’t written before this! I’m just letting you know I can (squeak) understand and be patient. You’re probably a very busy man. With all those autographs you have to sign (hah, hah!). And all that easy MONEY you have to count. You movie stars sure have it (squeak) rough. Seriously: MORE POWER TO YOU! I just want you to know I’ll keep (squeak, squeak) waiting. When you find time: ANSWER MY LETTERS AND POST (SQUEAK) CARDS! Pretty smart writing on these index cards. I write all my jokes on them. Here’s one for nothing!!! WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE! (Hah, hah!) You can have that. Say it on your next program. I’ve got to (squeak, squeak) go to work now. Write when you have time! Signing off as the best friend you’ll ever have.
Ott. Balleau x 2
(Hah, hah!)
P.S. Have you figured it out yet?
March 25, 1960
Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla. 12:30 P.M.
Red:
There should have been (squeak, squeak) a letter from you today. I went and told everybody you and I were writing each other. They just (squeak) laughed and called me crazy. I wish you would write me, Red. I don’t like to look (squeak) so foolish! Everybody around here laughs at me. Only it isn’t funny like when they (squeak) laugh at you on the television. It hurts. (Just for a little while — hah, hah!) It would be (squeak), good if I had just one letter from you to show them. Then maybe they wouldn’t laugh. Do what you think is best, Red. You’re the only friend I got. (Squeak.)
How’s the weather in Hollywood? It’s hot as H--- (I said a dirty word) here. (Hah, hah!) Chin up. You can’t live forever! (Hah, hah!)
Please, please write me, Red. I get very lonely with nobody to write to.
Ottmar Balleau x 2 (Get it?)
Times Two! (Hah, hah!)
P.S. Somebody said you drink, Red. IS THIS TRUE?
March 27, 1960
Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla. 1:00 A.M.
Hi Red:
I got a great idea you can use on your (squeak, squeak) show. How’s this? When the camera comes on, you just look out at everybody, raise your arm and say: Heil Hitler! (Hah, Hah!) How about that? Scare every (squeak) body. (Hah, Hah.) Of course you’d have to say, “I really love Jesus.” So nobody will be mad. You can have that joke, I’ll (squeak squeak) just give it to you. It’s worth a hundred to me! You can have it (squeak) free.
I’ve got a pound of jokes wrapped up and ready to send to you. Don’t worry about the cost. I pay the (squeak) postage. I figure once you read them, I’ll never have to worry about (squeak, squeak) postage again. (Hah, hah!) I’ll write them. You crack them. (Hah, hah!)
I’ve got to go now, there’s a drunken bum that wants to be let out of the world. I’m the only (squeak, squeak) that will do it. Saint Peter get ready to let one in. Saint (Squeak) Balleau x 2 is gonna let one out.
Your new writer,
$t. Balleau x 2
P.$. I can move to (Squeak Squeak) Hollywood if it’s nece$$ary and no problem. I don’t have any family.
P.P.$. No Strings to tie. Just blades to buy. (Hah! Hah!)
P.P.P.$. Please answer my letters. $o I know you get them!
April 1, 1960
Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla. 1:00 A.M.
Dead Red: (Hah, Hah!)
I hate you, Red! (Squeak.) Soon to be dead (squeak, squeak) Red. I didn’t watch you on (squeak) the television tonight! I’m never going to (squeak squeak) watch you again!
(Hah, hah, hah!) I guess I scared you. I wouldn’t stop watching you. It was all just an April Fool Joke. I’ll JUST KILL YOU. (Joke again! Hah, Hah!)
Red, I hate to say this, but I think there are communists around you. I don’t (squeak) think you’re getting my letters. If not, (squeak, squeak) you’d better answer my letters. You’ll be (squeak) sorry if you don’t. I’d hate to kill you. (Hah, hah!) Another April Fool’s Joke.
ADOLF HITLER
KILL KILL KILL
All Bad
GOD
SWEET JESUS
All Good