(Hah, Hah!) For your own sake, answer my letters. (Squeak, squeak.) Just another April Fool’s Joke. Here’s another to use on your show. Use it so I’ll know you read my letters! NO TRESPASSING, NO SOLICITORS, PEDDLERS, OR AGENTS ALLOWED: FORGIVE US OUR SOLICITORS. (Hah, Hah, Hah!!!)
Solicitor Balleau x 2
P.S. I don’t like to threaten you, Red. You’re the only kindness left in this dirty world.
Apr. 8, 1960
Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla. 12:00 P.M.
Squeak:
I’m very (squeak) sad. Three weeks have passed and still no (squeak, squeak) letter from you. I’ve sent you five pounds of (squeak) jokes, and you haven’t answered. I think you used some of them on the T.V. already. I don’t think you’d betray (squeak) me. I’d hate to think that, Red. There must be communists between us. Have you investigated your secretary lately? Since you’re the only friend I have, Red, I know you’d answer my (squeak squeak) letters. (Unless you drink — Hah! Hah!)
I know you won’t laugh at me, like everybody else does. They call me Crazy Ott. You wouldn’t do that, would you, Red? I try to (squeak, squeak) scare them so they won’t laugh at me. When I tell them how many old men I’ve killed they just laugh at me anyway. They aren’t afraid at all because they won’t believe me. But it’s the truth. You believe me. Don’t you Red? I have killed men. Maybe even ten. Oh, don’t worry, they weren’t any good. Just dirty old men who drank a lot and nobody cares about. Most of the time they want to die anyway. Just drunks. They haven’t done anything but drink and make broken homes. No good. I wouldn’t kill a good person. Only Hitler kills good people. It’s not hard to kill them, Red. It doesn’t cost any more than a clean pack of razor blades. I walk up and down the alleys by the waterfront. I find most of them down there. I sit with them while they drink. Sometimes I have to buy them the liquor if they don’t have enough. I have to get them good and drunk. When they pass out: I operate.
It isn’t hard, Red. Sometimes the light is bad in an alley. You can hardly see in a packing crate. But I can do it by touch. They don’t even feel it most of the time. I just slice open the vein and wait until all the blood runs out. They go to justice quiet as you please. One time one of them woke up. He thought it was a good joke. He even held back his sleeve while I worked. He passed on happy; he died laughing. It’s really a kindness. I’ve been entrusted to rid the world of drunks. When it’s all over, I put the razor blade in their hand and the police think it’s a suicide. If they think about it at all. Nobody likes old drunks. They’re no good anyway. (DRUNK DRIVERS GO TO JAIL! HAH! HAH!) Drink is Evil. I let them out of the world. See how easy? That’s why you have to put me on your program. The camera opens up and there I am. For no money down, I tell the world how easy it is to rid the world of drunks. AND WHAT A BLESSING. You believe I killed these men, don’t you, Red? You won’t laugh at me, will you?
I hope you (squeak) write real soon, Red. I hate to lose you as a friend. If they’re holding you against your (squeak, squeak) will, say so on the television so I’ll know.
Ottmar Balleau x 2
P.S. For the closest shave of your (squeak) life, use hollow ground blades and Ott Balleau. (Hah, hah I)
P.P.S. Pretty sharp wit! (Hah, hah!)
April 14, 1960
Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla. 3:30 P.M.
Red:
No letter from (squeak) you again today. What’s the matter? I think I’ll have to come to (squeak, squeak) Hollywood. IF I DON’T HEAR SOMETHING SOON. SORRY to send just a card. JUST A CARD FROM A CARD TO A CARD1 (Hah, hah!) Get it? You can have that one if you want.
Your friend True Blue,
Ottmar Balleau x 2
April 25, 1960
Ft. Lauderdale,
Fla. 9:00 A.M.
Dear Red:
I’m on my way to (squeak, squeak) Hollywood. I have heard bad things about you, Red. I don’t believe them. I have to see for my (squeak) self. Besides, communists are after me! I went to my old place to pick up my mail and Evil old Mr. Collins wanted to know why the F.B.I, was asking questions about (squeak, squeak) me. They don’t FOOL me. Those aren’t the F.B.I., J. EDGAR HOOVER wasn’t with them, those were the communists. BUT THEY DIDNT CATCH ME. (Hah, hah!) Don’t worry, Red. As the MASTER said: I’ll be with you again in Hollywood. (Hah, hah!) I’m going to (squeak) start hitchhiking tonight.
Ott. Balleau x 2
May 10, 1960
New Orleans,
La. 1:00
Red:
Look. A new color picture of the (squeak, squeak) Mardi Gras on this card. It is taking longer to get to Hollywood than I thought. I don’t have any trouble getting rides, but I keep having to take time out for my work.
Lucky (squeak) I carry all my money in my money belt I could not risk going back to my old house. I had to leave two good pounds of jokes. (I hate to dig up old material anyway. Hah! Hah!)
Dreams come true with,
Ottmar Balleau x 2
P.S. I was able to help three old drunks since I left Ft. Lauderdale. One of them right in the Harbor Lights Rescue Mission Dormitory.
O.B. x 2
May 30, 1960
Albuquerque,
N. Mex. 3:30 P.M.
YOUNG MEN’S CHRISTIAN ASSOCIATION
Albuquerque Branch
Red:
I’m sorry to have to (squeak, squeak) write about this, but I guess there’s no way out of it. People said you drink a lot, but I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe you would do (squeak) such a thing, but I saw that magazine with the article on you: RED: A CLOWN ON THE TOWN— BUT HOW ABOUT THE MORNING AFTER. I couldn’t (squeak) believe it, but there it was right between: WHY HE-MEN MOVIE STARS DRESS UP IN WOMEN’S CLOTHES and THE NEW MIRACLE DRUGS ARE ROBBING YOUR SEX POTENCY. I used to think everybody lied when they said you were nothing but a drunk. But now I see it in the magazines.
It would explain a lot of things.
Only a drunk would have set the communists after me in Ft. Lauderdale. If your secretary isn’t a (squeak) communist.
Only a drunk would use my best jokes on the television and not pay me for them. Oh, I know they’re my jokes (squeak, squeak), Red. I knew you were using them all along. But I didn’t say anything. You change them a little. But they’re STILL MY JOKES! Only a drunk would do that, Red. Drunks aren’t funny.
(JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST DRUNKS!!!!!!!)
I’ll just have to wait until I see you for myself. I’ll decide then.
Ottmar Balleau x 2
P.S. There’s many a slip twixt the cup and the lip, but never between a Balleau blade and the wrist.
O.B. x 2
Jun. 30, 1960
Hollywood,
Calif. 3:00 P.M.
Red:
Well, I finally made it out here to (squeak, squeak) Hollywood. I seen all the shows: QUEEN FOR A DAY, PEOPLE ARE FUNNY, ANYONE CAN PLAY. All the ones I enjoyed so much back home. Of course I (squeak) saw your show. You looked all right up on stage. I wanted to rush right up in front of the cameras and tell the whole world: i.e., Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy, the Nolans, Marge and Jerry at their Bar & Grill, Billy Graham: EVERYBODY! The usher wouldn’t let me. I had to wait for you behind the studio. You didn’t see me, (Squeak, squeak). But I could tell you had been drinking. I’ve talked to a lot of people, Red. They say you (squeak) drink quite a lot. I guess you know what that means. I have to make sure though. When I make sure, I’ll have to get you alone some place. It will be hard. But I’ll work it out.
Ottmar Balleau x 2
P.S. Stop using my jokes on the television.
P.P.S. Please have faith in my ability to work things out You won’t have to suffer with drink much longer.