The (Almost Completely) Happy Ending
MISS WHIPMIRE WAS ESCORTED to the police car as Rissa rescued Barney’s clothes and Maurice the cat from the pavement.
Barney felt a bit embarrassed but Rissa promised to look away as he took the clothes and hurriedly carried them upstairs to his bedroom. His bedroom. His clothes.
The policemen had questions, obviously, but Barney just told them the truth, or a slice of the truth. That is, that Miss Whipmire was a bully who wanted to kill him for some reason.
Meanwhile, Miss Whipmire just sat miserable and handcuffed in the back of the police car, wishing, for the first time since her transformation, that she was a cat again. But it didn’t matter how strongly she wished it, as the only cat she could now become was a pen pot, so Miss Whipmire had to stay human and would be locked away for a very long time.
As for Maurice, well, he found a new home. The Fairweathers wanted a cat, and Maurice fit the bill perfectly. Rissa and her parents kept him warm, fed him delicious carrot cake, and wrote a brilliant song about him called ‘Maurice, the Cat Who Wanted to Be a Cat’. (OK, it wasn’t that brilliant, but Maurice liked it very much, and even tried to miaow along to the chorus.)
Oh, and let’s not forget Barney’s dad. Well, the former plant salesman stayed a cat. I know, that’s a bit sad. But that’s what life is like sometimes. It has bits of sadness in it, splinters in the happiness. And Barney’s life was no different.
He’d have liked his dad to be human again. Of course he would. But the most important thing was that he had his dad back. And living with them too, downstairs in his very own basket, chatting away to Guster. But still making a daily visit to the old lady on Friary Road who had looked after him so well, and still liked to spoil him.
And also, the really interesting thing was that now Barney’s mum and dad got on better than ever before, and Neil Willow loved eating the apple and blackberry crumble she made for him every night. Plus, he loved spending time in the garden, sniffing the flowers he’d once planted, and the ones Barney and his mum planted for him. Daffodils, bluebells, geraniums.
Petra and Petula kept on pursuing the nice former cat who was in Mr Willow’s body, and eventually made the front page of the Blandford Gazette with their highly praised article which had the headline: CATTERY OWNER EATS CAT FOOD AND SLEEPS IN BASKET!
Barney’s school life also underwent a great improvement.
Gavin was now too busy being laughed at by his former friends to do any bullying of his own. And, although Gavin’s mum was a bit upset that her cat never came back, she decided to get a new one. Not until Florence was old enough to appreciate it. Which was also why they eventually gave up poor Leonard too, to a dog-loving ex-security guard who lived on their street.
Plus, the new head teacher, Mrs Raffles, turned out to be a very nice woman, and one who thought it was best if Barney’s actual teachers marked his work.
Barney ended up with quite a lot of friends, but through it, Rissa remained his truest and best – even if it was sometimes annoying first thing in the morning to have her lean in close to his face and say, ‘Yep, still you.’
People thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend, and sometimes people would joke about that, but Barney didn’t seem to be bothered if people laughed at him or not. Not any more. He was who he was. Take it or leave it. Anyway, Barney and Rissa were perfectly happy just being friends. Or that’s what Barney was happy to accept. But if there was one thing Barney knew, it was that life doesn’t stay still.
Indeed, two weeks later, Rissa asked Barney to the cinema. She said she wanted to see a 3D film about alien robots taking over the planet. It didn’t sound very Rissa, so Barney got suspicious.
‘What, on a date?’
Rissa shrugged. ‘Call it what you want, cat-boy.’
And Barney felt that old familiar heat flush his cheeks, almost causing him to wish he had a face full of cat fur to hide it – but he obviously stopped himself wishing too hard.
‘Yes. Course. It will be great. What should I wear? Should I act differently, you know, if it’s a date?’
‘No,’ she said, smiling. ‘I just want you to be you. Barney Willow.’
The evening of the date, as his dad and Guster sat watching proudly from the rug, Barney looked at his reflection in the mirror in his bedroom. His hair might have been a little on the wavy side. And he still had too many freckles, and his ears still stuck out a bit too far – although to be fair he didn’t have old ladies squeezing his cheeks these days. Yet, all put together, the person staring back at Barney was a perfectly average but totally unique boy, full of the thousand hopes and fears that made him human. A boy who had no idea what would happen in his life, or where it would take him. One thing he was sure of was this – he would always try and be himself.
And, as he went downstairs to put on his coat, Barney couldn’t think of anything in the world he’d rather be.
The Bit After the End in Which the Author Has to Have the Last Word
SO, THERE WE are. The happy ending. I love a happy ending. It makes me feel all warm and cosy inside. Like those hot-water bottles you get which have their own woolly covers. Especially when the happy ending is part of a true story.
And yes, this is a true story. The world is full of humans who used to be cats and cats who used to be humans. So, the next time you see a cat looking up at you with those pleading eyes and that strong purr, just remember – it might want to jump into your life, rather than jump onto your lap.
But don’t worry.
You’ll be fine. Look at you. You are brilliant. A human being with – AHEM – incredible taste in books. No wonder all those cats who have wanted to be you have failed. Every day that you wake up as yourself and see that genius in the mirror is another reason to stay happy.
Well done you! No, seriously, well done. Right, I’d better go as I’m a bit sleepy and fancy a nap by the radiator sleep in my bed.
Yours truly,
Cat Matt Haig
About the Author
Matt Haig’s first novel for young readers, Shadow Forest, won the Blue Peter Book of the Year award and the Gold Smarties Award. He is also the author of various adult novels, including the bestsellers The Last Family in England and The Radleys. Reviewers have called his writing ‘totally engrossing’, ‘touching, quirky and macabre’ and ‘so surprising and strange it vaults into a realm of his own’. His books have been translated into 25 languages. He lives in York and assures us he has never, ever been a cat despite the rumours he was once a rather grumpy ginger moggy named Jeffrey.
Shadow Forest
(Winner of the Gold Smarties Award and the Blue Peter Book of the Year Award)
The Runaway Troll
For adults:
The Dead Fathers Club
The Last Family in England
The Possession of Mr Cave
The Radleys