I couldn’t help but fear this punishment really might break me. My hands were shaking already. I got up and felt my way to the door, then used my command over water form two giant hands and wave at whoever was piloting my ship.
Chapter 31
Newport
I spent the last three nights of lockdown building strength and worrying about Newport and my crew. I paced when I couldn’t help it. Otherwise, I forced myself to conserve energy. I was feeling weak from the extensive repairs my curse had mended. Rapid healing didn’t just magically happen—well it did, but not without payment of energy and materials. I’d lost a modest amount of muscle mass, enough to feel weak and fatigued. I was feeling decent physically by the last night, but still a bit weak, like my muscles had atrophied.
Mentally, I was a wreck. The army of monsters from my nightmare were ever present in my thoughts, along with Amphitrite’s warning not to dally. How would she factor in my lockdown? I feared her thoughts on that were, “Oh, well. You should’ve timed your escape better.” My imagination generated all sorts of crushing scenarios I struggled hard to block from my conscious thoughts. I didn’t want to envision my home being anything less than intact. Even though I didn’t spend much time there any given year, it was still home. Home.
The day after I repaired and regained consciousness, Cancer checked on me from outside the container. I informed him that he’d saved me from a temporary death. He was just as relieved as me, then warned me that Jacobi was still being an ass to Jessie. I asked him to leave me alone after that. Didn’t tell; asked. That’s how stressed I was. Rammus could deal with it. I didn’t want to hear about any crap while in lockdown.
When I wasn’t stressing over the perilous state of my home, I was brooding about my crew. Sam had family in Newport. They were going to die if we didn’t get there fast enough. If they died, then Sam would lose the most important people in his life, and it’d be all because of me. I couldn’t let that happen. I’d do everything in my power to prevent that from happening, including to tapping into the power I hated using. The sacrifice of my humanity was nothing compared to the loss of family. I didn’t want to have to face Sam after him losing those he loved most because of me.
Thinking about Sam and his family got me thinking about my life and all the people that had come and gone through it. So many people would’ve been better off if they’d never met me. Working in the shipping industry attracted its own hazards, but my curse? All my attempts to pretend to live a normal life as a normal person had resulted in the death of thirty people. People like Jersey and Mike, who died to other hazards, weren’t among those thirty. I’d cremated so many people in my two hundred and seventy seven years, and I hadn’t forgotten a single name or nickname, where they died, or when.
I carried the guilt of their deaths every day. Some days the guilt overwhelmed me. Other days it was no more than a poisonous whisper. I’d tried so hard to keep every last one of them alive. I could’ve tried harder if I’d been more willing to use the power of my demon form, but no. The selfish need to preserve my humanity had cost thirty lives. More, really, since I could’ve saved Jersey and Mike if I’d used my demon powers. God, I could’ve saved so many more lives that way.
I would not make that same mistake in Newport. The thought made me squirm, but the fear of more loss overrode my own wants for once.
The morning Rammus finally let me out, I was waiting by the door, wearing just my pants and sandals, and a towel slung over a shoulder. I wasn’t planning on staying small enough to wear clothes for long. There was no time to waste.
Rammus smirked. “Eager for a shower, Captain?”
“No time.” I stepped out into the pale light. “Call—” The entire crew was gathered near the railing, all wearing relieved smiles. I was flattered but… “Why is everyone here?”
“How are you feeling, Captain?” Cancer asked.
Horrible. “Pressed for time. All of you…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it, to explain that they all had to come with me into almost certain death, because Amphitrite would assure their deaths if they didn’t.
“We’re headed for Newport. We skipped the San Juan shipment, as ordered. Now what’s going on?”
I turned around and tried to contain my panic. We were wasting precious seconds, but it was better now than later, while we weren’t surrounded by monsters. “I was born and raised in Newport, Rhode Island. It’s the only thing I have left from before I was cursed. It’s my home, and Amphitrite is threatening to wipe it off the map.” I pulled the towel off my shoulder. “As to why now, it’s my punishment for what went down in the cave.”
“So she’s destroying your home for breaking her heart?” Ted said. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“It doesn’t have to.” She’d made twisted sense in the nightmare, but there was no way I was going to reveal that this personal attack was meant to break me. I clutched the towel in both fists so they wouldn’t see my hands shaking. My thoughts were racing because of the lengths she’d go to spread her misery to me. “She’s the sea. We’re at the mercy of her whims.”
“This is nuts,” Scully said unhappily.
“Captain,” Jacobi said, “you’ve had nothing but problems ever since you took her on board.”
“I didn’t take Jessie. She found her own way here.”
“Still, you kept her. You should’ve dumped her in Port Chesapeake.”
Jessie was giving the back of Jacobi’s head a look of death. Mido held her tight, his posture taut with contained rage. I was feeling just as pissed off for having someone else think they better knew how to handle curse-related people and problems than I did. That was like me telling Mido how to cook, or Cancer how to administer healthcare. The rest of the crew looked disgusted with the crap coming out of Jacobi’s mouth. “You’re very wrong. Now shut up about things you don’t understand.” I tried to start for the bow.
“No. I think you need to listen to me for once.” He unfolded his arms.
“Oh really?”
“I believe one of those two has you under her spell and is toying with you nonstop. None of this would’ve happened if you hadn’t kept her,” he said, pointing over his shoulder with a thumb. “She’s been nothing but trouble since the day she stepped foot on your ship. You need to listen to me and throw her overboard right now, and be done with her. You’re not yourself anymore.”
Oh, he’d picked a bad day to piss me off. I called water to me with a thought but kept it hidden below the railing. I took a step forward and spoke in a dangerously low voice. “Jacobi, tell me what to do with Jessie again and I’ll throw you overboard myself.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
I dropped my towel and, in one swift motion, socked him in the gut with a fist of water, sending him sprawling, and pinning his wrists to the deck with rings of water. I kept pressure on his wrists like a waterfall pounding on rock, and held a globe of water in front of my fist. I poised it over him like I was priming to punch him as I straddle his sides. He stared up at me, eyes wide, as he gasped for breath.
The rest of the crew backed away. I took a deep breath. “I wouldn’t be on this ship right now if it wasn’t for her! Don’t you see? Because of her avatar status, she was able to come rescue me! She just saved me from a very long imprisonment where you would’ve all died of old age before she let me out! She braved sea monsters, the wrath of a goddess, and put her own life on the line for me! She didn’t have to but she did, and you’re still demonizing her? She even told me the naiads tried to get her to take you with her, but she refused, even after being advised otherwise. You have no idea how much gall that took. You owe her your life!” I paused to see if he was paying attention. He stared up with wide-eyed surprise. “She is our ally and an asset to the crew. Do I make myself clear?”