Traveller of the Century

Back in the sacristy, Father Pigherzog slumped into his armchair with a sigh. When he saw the sacristan standing before him as though waiting to receive his next orders, the priest waved his arm to dismiss him. If the boy were as bright as he was obedient, he thought to himself, we would be in the presence of one of the chosen. Father Pigherzog plucked the volume entitled Notes on the State of Souls from a pile of reading matter, and placed it in his lap. He opened it at the last entry, reread a few paragraphs, dipped his quill in the ink pot and wrote the date in fine Roman numerals. He raised his eyes searching for the right words.

… whose attendance at prayer has failed to lead her away from certain worldly interests. As a relatively young woman of xxxxxxxx healthy appearance, it is to be hoped the aforementioned Frau Pietzine will change her life. In order to do this it is essential for her to devote more time to the nourishing duties of motherhood, and, above all, not to let her mind stray so much. As for her dedication to prayer, she gives herself to it with such zeal that on occasion it seems (caeli remissione) she is trying to convince God of something rather than praying to Him. It should be noted that, within her limitations, she is excellently disposed towards listening. Express disapproval of her attire at subsequent meetings.

… in such a way that, as far as I can gather from her account, the closer she comes to the Roman Catholic faith, the more her husband, A N Levin, abandons himself to outlandish studies of the Kabbala, Palestino-Alexandrian doctrines and God knows what else besides. Every sin finds the absolution it seeks, but complacency is a different kettle of fish. I refer briefly, as an example, to some of the many heresies with which Frau Levin’s spouse attempts to confuse his wife, clouding her understanding of the Scriptures. Taking random quotations such as “We speak the wisdom of God in a mystery” out of their doctrinal context and distorting them by relating them arbitrarily to others such as “But God has revealed them unto us by the Spirit” (1 Corinthians 2:7–10), which the foolish man reads as a mysterious conclusion, arguing that Paul understood the need to interpret the sacred principles of Christianity as a coded language inasmuch as “the letter killeth but the spirit giveth life” (2 Corinthians 3:6) and that Paul himself told the converts and initiates that divine wisdom could not be imparted (1 Corinthians 3:2). According to his deviant interpretation, this implies that biblical studies should be based upon Samosatenian treatises and Leovigildian readings, as though the Word of God were a mere introduction to other unrelated words or parables. Consider the degree of apostasy in these considerations, and take into account the known inclination of the circumcised towards the language of doubt and paradox. Strongly advise Frau Levin, for the sake of her nascent faith, to frequent other places and people at least for the time being.

… for, in his case, his immaculate manners and attire are but the outward manifestation of the richness of his soul. After questioning him about his illustrious parents’ impression after the betrothal dinners, the aforementioned Von Wilderhaus the younger replied, with customary discretion and graciousness, that they had found Herr Gottlieb’s residence pleasant and simple, avoiding any allusion to their host’s financial difficulties. In contrast to his fiancée, we have no objections to this virtuous gentleman. With the exception of his habit of taking snuff, a trifle at all events.

… his unspeakable desire to revel in xxxxxxxx repugnant images, over which he shows no hint of remorse nor yet of frailty. Continued use of hair shirt appears not to have diminished his aberrant appetites. Warn seminarists so that they take all necessary precautions with him. Try immersion in ice-cold water and castor-oil concoctions.

… extremely satisfactory, inasmuch as not only has he found employment, but he continues to learn to read and write. Such exemplary cases as his nourish the souls of those who are acquainted with them and recompense the difficulties of our tireless mission.

… and his wife’s forgiveness, which shows an encouraging change in both their attitudes. Besides the sufferings endured by the good woman, who has recovered from her bruises, special mention should be made of the supreme torment undergone by the paterfamilias, whose conscience will act as a guiding light. Space out confessions as harmony is restored to the household.

… consider it appropriate to include an addendum to the last quarterly accounts of lands given in concession by the Holy Mother Church, as well as to update Your Excellency, whose hands I kiss and whose humble servant I remain, on the progress of contributions. Having previously informed Your Excellency that these had diminished by seventeen per cent from an average of half a thaler per parishioner to the current eight groschen per parishioner at Sunday Mass, thus amounting to an overall reduction in the parish revenue of twenty-two ducats gross, I am relieved today to be able to report that this tendency was reversed at the end of March, thanks to the pious influence of the religious holidays, and, dare I say, to our humble yet tireless labours, which Your Excellency in his benevolence will doubtless recognise with generosity when in his xxxxxxxx infallible judgement he deems it opportune and necessary, as has always been the case. Special mention should be made of the inestimable goodwill of the noble Herr Rudolph P von Wilderhaus and the most excellent Ratztrinker family, whose regular donations of alms and stipends have also continued to increase, giving the lie to malicious rumours about an alleged rapprochement with Lutheran sects in Berlin, and demonstrating once more their unequivocal devotion to the Holy Mother Church that watches over us all. And lastly I come to a list, revised only yesterday, of families in arrears, and peasants who have failed to pay their tithes. I have written out the sums for Your Excellency in descending order of the amounts owed, a more efficient method, if I may say so, than the one hitherto employed of writing them out in alphabetical order …

Every Friday, five minutes before making his entrance into the salon, which he had begun attending more regularly since his formal betrothal to Sophie, Rudi Wilderhaus would send ahead a footman, who would barge into the drawing room carrying an enormous bouquet of white flowers. A whiff of expectation filled the air, of hope about to be fulfilled. Rudi knew how to manipulate this to perfection, waiting with theatrical timing before rapping with the left door knocker and deploring the state of the roads or the growing amount of traffic. Bertold bowed fulsomely, relieved Rudi of his cape, while the scar on his lip stretched as far as it would go: Welcome, Herr Wilderhaus, oh, no, you’re not late at all, the others have only just arrived, yes, of course, Fräulein Sophie was delighted with the flowers, Herr Wilderhaus, you know I’m entirely at your disposition and always will be in this or any other residence, Herr Wilderhaus, as you may see fit.