She slipped out the back door when she was done, staring into the green of the yard. Summer was attempting to take over completely from spring, with a freshness in the air that she’d longed for. Her internal heaters were set high enough to keep her, and Max, warmer than they liked most nights, but she loved this time of year. A pair of chairs tucked in the darkness beckoned, and she wandered slowly toward them, intending to sit and relax in the quiet for a bit.
Until she noticed one chair was already occupied. Lila stared at her in dismay before her expression wiped clean, her face blank.
Tasha swayed from foot to foot, uncertain what to do. Seeing her old friend was awkward, uncertain. She’d all but given up on her.
“You may as well sit down,” Lila offered, bitterness tingeing her voice.
Uncomfortable. Edgy. The injustice of the situation swept up and surrounded her. They’d been such good friends before—at least Tasha thought they’d been. But good friends didn’t completely stop talking to each other. Since that cutting conversation back before the wedding, she could count the number of words they’d exchanged on one hand. Her best friend had avoided her like the plague.
Did she want to sit down? Try to have a conversation and figure out why Lila had deserted her? There were nearly a year’s worth of memories that had been lost between them. Sudden anger hit, a need to discover an explanation for the hurt Lila had caused. Tasha sat carefully, the wicker chair seeming too fragile to hold her and her precious cargo. When she finally settled she looked up to see Lila’s gaze burning on her belly.
Tasha deliberately stared into the backyard, hoping that out there somewhere she’d find exactly what she needed to say. Did she tell Lila how much her rejection had hurt? The woman had to already know. Should she ask her why?
Did she really want an answer?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you and Max were going to be here. I would have stayed away.” The ease with which Lila spoke made the lump in Tasha’s throat seem baseless. Why was she hung up over something Lila had obviously already put behind her?
Because it was years of friendship? That streak of anger rose again.
“There are a lot of family events, Lila. It seems stupid that you’re going out of your way to avoid us. In fact, I’ll say it. The whole situation seems idiotic. I don’t understand why you’ve gone and smacked me in the face like this. Why you put our friendship aside just because Maxwell and I got together.”
“I don’t need to justify myself to you.”
Tasha sighed. “It’s not asking for justification, it’s asking for any reason that makes a lick of sense. If we’d done something to hurt you, I could see it, but it’s like you flipped a switch. One minute we were friends, the next we weren’t. Can’t you see why I don’t understand?”
Lila glared. “You want me to say something like I didn’t approve of you two being together because I was concerned about the difference in your ages. I was soooo worried, because I know what it’s like to have been in love with someone younger than me, and I know the terrible heartache when they decide to go back to girls their age.”
Tasha stilled. The words were sarcastic, and over the top melodramatic—it was obvious Lila was being a shit. “But that’s not the truth, is it?”
The other woman made a face. “Of course not. And it’s not because I was worried about him hurting you, like those other jerks you’d dated who broke your heart. Even though I had to listen to you build your life up again, help convince you that you were a valuable person in spite of the shit your family led you to believe. It’s not because I was worried that my friend had gone and seduced one of my younger cousins simply for the purpose of finally finding a decent guy.”
The words slashed like knives, cutting into her soul. “Why are you acting like this? Are you sad I found someone to love and you didn’t?” That was the only possible explanation Tasha had thought of.
“Oh, yeah, that must be it. I’m longing for a guy to come along and make me whole. I really want to get pregnant. I want someone who will be there to make me change my life to suit him, but when he decides he’s had enough of playing grown-up, or when he decides that my body isn’t beautiful enough anymore…he’ll leave.”
Bitterness poured from Lila along with a lack of understanding of what being with Max was like. There was a rotten taste in Tasha’s mouth from simply listening to Lila spew her garbage.
If she could have risen from the chair dramatically she would have, but she was trapped. Instead, Tasha let the frustration she felt escape in her words.
“It’s clear you don’t want to share why you’ve written us off. I guess I should say thank you for avoiding me since you’re not able to explain what’s wrong. I wonder that you were ever really my friend since you threw it away so easily.”
Lila laughed. Brittle, and harsh. “I have no idea why, but the thought of you two drives me mad. Jesus, Tasha, I don’t understand it myself. I’ve tried to reason it out. Am I jealous? Am I upset that you seemed to give up all your vehemently sworn ideals in a flash? I don’t know. Maybe you’re right and we never were friends. All I know is that I’ve tried my damnedest, yet all I see when I look at the two of you is pain. Whether that’s me projecting my failings on you, I don’t know. It’s just not worth it, okay? You go on with your life, and I’ll go on with mine, and sometime I’ll learn to be polite to you guys, but right now, I can’t.” She stood and walked away without another word, tearing apart the final threads of attachment that Tasha had still clung to even after all this time.
Tears fell. Tasha rocked in her chair, arms wrapped around her belly. She’d seen this coming. Hell, she’d thought she’d already given up on Lila, but having that last bit of hope torn from her burned. The refreshment of the evening retreated as misery filled her.
Those were acidic words that had been spoken, and she shouldn’t listen to them. She knew that, knew better than to take to heart something meant to cut and rip. Still, the old fears snuck out from where she’d hidden them, to taunt her with their cruel bite.
Lila, who had been her friend, had left her. Completely. Unreasonably. It had to be her fault. There must be something intrinsically wrong with her that made people reject her.
Doubt and fear settled like a heavy black blanket, smothering her joy. She fought back, searching her memory for the truths she should cling to. Max had shown his love a million different ways. How could she not accept it? Take hold of it with both hands and let herself love him?
She willingly acknowledged he loved the baby. He cared so much for family, there was no way she could deny that, no matter what, Maxwell would be there for their child. He’d also said he loved her, but that was still much harder to believe, especially with Lila’s fresh dismissal piercing her heart.
She wanted to believe. Wanted to love him back, but that last step was proving more than she could take. Call her a fool, say she was crazy, but even almost a year of being loved wasn’t long enough to erase the pain of too much previous rejection.
The baby rolled, feet and elbows bulging the surface of her skin and she sniffed, running a hand over the thin layers separating them. This was the only truth she knew to be absolutely real. There was someone here who was going to need her and would accept her completely.
“Tasha, where are you?”
She wiped her eyes frantically as Maxwell stepped down the porch toward her. “Here.”
“I was worried. Not even you take that much time in the bathroom.” The teasing tone in his voice matched his expression for a split second as he knelt beside her. Then he spotted her tears and swore. “Hey, what’s up? You feeling okay?”