“Can I call you later?” I asked, looking around my bathroom and landing on a big framed quote that read, WHAT MATTERS MOST IS THE COMPANY YOU KEEP WHEN YOU’RE ALONE.
Molly called me moments later. “Everything OK?” she asked.
“Why?”
“No reason. Just wondering whatcha’ doin’?”
I knew Simone had called Molly, because there is a round-the-clock guardian conservatorship between Molly, Shelly, Simone, and about thirty others. Molly, Sue, and Shelly are the serving board members, and there are different tiers beneath them in case any of them are out of town. They work in shifts and they think I don’t know about it, but I do. They check in on me on a regular basis, because everyone knows if I were left to my own devices, I could die.
Gina had spent the day at my house yesterday getting me ready for the Emmy parties, which was silly since I didn’t really need hair and makeup for the parties. I’ve never been nominated for an Emmy in my life, and I was going only to a party for the Emmys, not the actual Emmys. Then Shmitney came over to tag Gina out and babysit me for the rest of the night. Sundays are usually Molly’s shift when Shelly is out of town.
If I am left unattended for too long, people start showing up at my house, so Molly’s call wasn’t completely unexpected.
“Well, Molly. Not to sound like an alarmist, but Shmitney stole my car and said she would be here about an hour ago, but she is a liar. I need to get to Hotel Bel-Air.”
“Do you need me to come and get you?”
“Are you coming to brunch?”
“I can come to brunch. Can I bring Kerry?” Kerry is Molly’s sister and also my cousin.
“Yes.”
“So, should we come get you?” she asked again.
“I don’t know because she won’t answer her phone, but she keeps texting me that she’s fifteen minutes away.”
“Well, I’ll come over that way and if she gets there first, then just call me.”
“OK.”
I hung up the phone and checked my texts. There was one from Shmitney.
“Do you want to come over and go on a bike ride?”
“No!” I responded. “Where the fuck are you?”
“I’m fifteen away,” she texted back. “Had to drop off my friend from Spin class.”
I almost ate my phone.
There was no way Shmitney would make it from Burbank all the way to Bel Air in fifteen minutes. I drive like a maniac and have never made it from Bel Air to Burbank in fifteen minutes, and I happen to drive there almost every day for work.
Even though I lie compulsively, I don’t appreciate being lied to, especially when it involves what time I’m going to be picked up. I don’t like being late, and I don’t like being picked up late.
I went into the kitchen to look again for her car key and then saw Shelly’s Mercedes key. I was such an idiot for not putting this together before. Mercedes-Benz has been ahead of the curve since they were making ovens for the Holocaust. It was highly probable that the key to Shelly’s Mercedes would also work in Shmitney’s Mercedes. I was wrong. Strike four.
I needed to find the number to Hotel Bel-Air and see if they could pick me up. I looked through my kitchen cabinets for a phone book and gave up on that project shortly after I started. Instead, I decided make better use of my time.
I made the executive decision to use my time wisely and make an online dating profile for my makeup artist, Gina. If my sister was having such success online, then there was no good reason Gina shouldn’t also be reaping the benefits of Internet penetration. I got my computer and went over to my purse on my dining room table. I got my credit card out, sat down, and got focused. This was going to take awhile.
My makeup artist Gina hadn’t been penetrated in something like five or ten years, and I could hear it in her voice. I desperately wanted her to meet someone, or at least get felt up. She’s one of those people who thinks she’s too cool to meet anyone online, so I was going to have to take it upon myself to do the legwork. Plus, she’s a terrible speller, so if she ever could be convinced to date online, she would only attract other elementary school graduates. I looked on Match.com’s questionnaire page, and it seemed a little too gay to me, so I Googled “popular dating sites” and clicked on the first one that popped up.
I filled out all the pertinent information required to join the site and gave my e-mail dress as the contact so that I would be the one filtering any matches and corresponding with potential candidates.
First, I had to come up with what is called a profile headline in thirty-five characters or less. After that came a series of questions that included multiple options to choose from, or I could ignore that part and write my own answers. I opted to utilize my creative writing skills.
Profile Headline:
Fifty, fun, flirty, fresh, fish lover, fruit lover, famine hater, looking for laughter, sex, and fresh food.
About Yourself:
Love to laugh, and love to be in funny situations. Like my morning coffee with the paper and like to mingle.
About Yourself:
Animal lover, have 2 dogs, 2 chickens. I ride horses every morning at my neighborhood barn, but haven’t ridden a man in years. I also love to cook, travel, ski, hike. Love the outdoors. Love to garden. Am not a great speller.
Habits and Lifestyle:
I have been married and have a 14-year-old son. Have a good relationship with my ex and we share custody. I’m a professional makeup artist and hairstylist with a steady job that I love. My boss says I come across as a bitch, but that I am really not. Looking for a solid guy with a solid career who also likes good wine, food, movies, travel. I work out regularly as well. Love to spin.
Type of Relationship I’m Looking For:
Would like to find a quality person to spend time with. Not looking for marriage but want to be in a serious, committed relationship.
Religion:
Other
Ethnicity:
Raised in California.
Heritage:
Italian (I’m adopted).
Smoker:
No
Drinking:
Not often, but enjoy wine with food.
Height:
5’9”
Marital Status:
I have already covered this above, and if anyone reading this is indeed married, please do not contact me.
Employment:
Fully self-sufficient—but could get fired any day.
Education:
Makeup artist
Children:
One son (14).
Body type:
Tell ya later.
My phone rang, and it was Shmitney.
“Let me guess. You’re fifteen minutes away,” I told her.
“Aaaahahhahahh! You are such a child. Do you want me to pick up anything on the way?” she asked. There was nowhere to shop between my house and hers.
“I’m going to take an Uber. What’s their number?”
“Shut up. I’ll be there in like twenty minutes. You can’t handle Uber. There’s a better chance of you picking up a weekend cashier’s shift at Walmart.”
“Well, maybe if you would get your bony ass over here and stop saying you’re fifteen minutes away, I wouldn’t have to say things like Uber or Groupon!”
“Aaaaaaaaaaah!” she howled and hung up on me, again.
I looked back at my computer and the next step was to fill out what Gina was “seeking.”
Seeking:
A man who reads, likes to travel, and has his own life. Someone who loves to laugh, and can make himself laugh, because I’m not funny at all.