I gave Bug-eyed Billy my name, then set my Spade down on the belt beside Dana’s fake Fendi. Then I carefully took off my shoes, my watch, my hoop earrings, my toe ring, and my necklace. And today, despite the noticeably flattened appearance of my chest, I was sans underwire. I would make it through this time.
Queen Latifah was on duty again. She waved me through the plastic doorway with her wand. “Next!”
I took a deep breath, bit my lip, and stepped one foot over the frame. Nothing.
Hallelujah! I felt like hugging Latifah, I was so happy. Forget graduating college-this was a major life accomplishment!
“Uh, ma’am, ” Bug-eyed Billy spoke up from behind his monitor. I turned. He was holding Dana’s fake Fendi. “Is this your bag?”
Uh-oh.
“Uh, well, it’s my friend’s bag, ” I said, glancing toward the parking lot.
“I’m going to have to inspect the contents for non-approved electronic devices.”
“Uh, okay.” I stepped over to the monitor and watched as Bug-eyed Billy proceeded to paw through Dana’s Fendi, pulling one item after another out onto the now-stagnant conveyer belt. Lipstick, credit cards, checkbook, pen. I winced as he pulled out two condoms, and saw a couple of PAs in line lean forward.
But then Bug-eyed Billy really hit the jackpot.
He pulled out a slim pink battery-powered device with a soft, rounded tip.
I felt myself grow hot as my jaw dropped open. Dana’s pocket rocket!
“Ohmigod.” Kylie giggled behind me.
Bug-eyed Billy inspected it as if he’d never seen one before, holding it up to his thick glasses. Of course, the PAs were a little quicker to catch on, openly laughing, and I think I heard someone call out, “Hot stuff, ” from the back of the line. Good God, they thought it was mine!
If I hadn’t just gotten my nails done, I would have seriously considered clawing at the asphalt to dig a hole I could crawl into.
“That’s not mine!” I protested hotly.
Bug-eyed Billy raised an eyebrow at me. “What is it?” he asked.
I heard a snort of laughter from one of the PAs. “Yeah, honey, tell him what it is.”
I clenched my fists into balls. I was so going to get Dana for this.
I leaned in close, trying to be discreet. I know: lost cause at this point. “It’s a personal massager, ” I whispered.
Billy tilted his head to the side, still inspecting Dana’s little friend. “Like for your neck?”
More snorting from the peanut gallery.
“Um, yeah. Like for your neck…or something.”
Billy contemplated it for a moment, no doubt trying to figure out just how that might work, but finally he shrugged and, to my immense relief, dropped it back into the fake Fendi. “All right.” He nodded. “You’re cleared.”
I grabbed the bag, shoved my shoes back on my feet, and quickly gathered up the rest of my belongings just as Dana made an appearance at the back of the line. She cheerily waved her cell phone and motioned that she’d meet me inside.
Some days I think having friends is overrated.
“Speed. And…rolling!”
“Okay, Nurse Nan, we’re ready. Who’s the father?”
“I’m sorry to tell you that the results aren’t what we were hoping for.”
“What?”
“What do you mean, not what we’d hoped for?”
“I mean it seems that neither Chad nor your husband is the father of your baby, Ashley.”
I gasped, covering my mouth with my hand as I watched from the edge of the soundstage. Neither one? Wow, that was a bombshell. I thought back to last season’s episodes. Who else could it be? I mean, there’d been that one guy who used to be on Sex and the City, but they wrote him out when he poisoned the next-door neighbor to cover up his gambling addiction that led to his mortgaging his sister’s house and forcing her to work as a high-class call girl.
“There’s someone else, Ashley?”
“No, Chad, I swear it. There’s just been you. And my husband.”
“Then explain these results.”
“I…I…I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, Chad!”
“I’m not sure I can, Ashley.”
“And…cut! Brilliant-take five, everybody.” Steinman beamed from ear to ear behind his monitor. Grips slapped one another on the butt, and even Margo and Ricky did a high five. The only one who didn’t seem pleased was Mia, still shooting daggers across the soundstage at Margo.
Dana skipped out from her perch behind the reception desk and mini-jogged over to me. “Oh, wow, did you catch that?”
I nodded. “No freaking way the baby is someone else’s!”
“My money’s on the electrician across the street.”
“But he’s been dating Tina Rey ever since she saved him from that drunk driver in season two.”
“Yeah, but Tina Rey’s been seeing that undercover detective on the sly.”
“Ooooh. Right. I forgot about that.” God, I loved this show!
“Hey, ” Dana said, elbowing me in the ribs. “Ricky’s alone. Now’s our chance to grill him.”
“Grill him? What is he, a ribeye?” But before I could protest, Dana grabbed my arm and was dragging me across the stage to where Ricky was trying to extract himself from his clip-on mic. She stopped just short of him and did a less-than-subtle throat clearing, accompanied by another shot to my ribs.
“Ow! Okay, geez, ” I mumbled. “Uh, Ricky?”
Ricky looked up. “Oh, hey. Maddie, right?”
“Right.”
“Ah-heh-hem!” Dana cleared her throat again.
“And this is my friend Dana.”
Dana stuck out her hand, doing her best flirty blonde. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Hey.” Ricky shook it, and I swear I saw Dana melt on contact, giggling like a sixth-grader.
“Uh, anyway, I was wondering if I could ask you something.” I said.
“Sure.” Ricky pulled his microphone through his sleeve. “Shoot.”
“You mentioned yesterday that you and Veronika had dated. When was that?”
Ricky pursed his lips. “Um, I’d say about three months ago. Why?”
Alarm bells louder than one of Mrs. Rosenblatt’s muumuus clanged in my head. Three months was exactly how far along Veronika had been. I tried to keep my voice calm even as I asked, “Why was it you two broke up again?”
Ricky bit the inside of his cheek, his eyes doing a slow survey of the soundstage behind me. “We, uh, we just didn’t hit it off.”
“Oh, I totally know how that goes. Compatibility is so important, ” Dana gushed. She laid a hand on Ricky’s arm and batted her eyelashes.
“And Veronika felt the same way?” I asked.
Ricky shrugged again. “I guess. I dunno.”
“You never talked to her about it?”
“Uh, well, um, not really.” Ricky fidgeted with the microphone in his hand, looking about as uncomfortable as when I wore those cheap leatherette pumps from Bargain Barn last summer during that heat wave. Obviously I wasn’t getting the whole story.
“Ricky?” I prodded.
He glanced nervously from side to side. Then sighed. “Okay, fine.” He paused, leaning in closer. “But this stays just between us, okay?”
“Absolutely, ” Dana promised, punctuated by a big, toothy smile.
I held up two fingers. “Scout’s honor.”
“Look, we went out a few times, and then this one time I took her to the movies and dropped her back off at home. Her neighbor was outside watering her lawn. She saw me and recognized me from the show. I mean, she was nice enough, so I signed a couple of autographs for her.”
“Go on, ” I prodded, wondering where all this was going.
“Well, then this lady asks me what I’m doing there, and I told her I was taking Veronika home. Then she kind of got quiet. So, I figured something was up.”
“Such as?”
“Well, she tells me that she’d seen some other guy go home with Veronika the night before. And he didn’t leave until morning. Well, I mean, come on. I’m just not into that. I mean, I’m a one-woman kind of guy.”