I went to the stove and added a few logs to the embers. The chill hadn’t left the room yet. I pulled a chair close, sat down, and opened the notebook. The first page, written in perfect pencil lettering, started with Table of Contents. Below that, and perfectly aligned according to its sections, it said:
1—Parts
1.1 Centrifugal Rotor
1.1.1 Core
1.1.2 Outer Ring
1.1.3 Connectors
1.2 Power Supply
1.2.1 Battery Compartment
1.2.2 Capacitor Board
1.3 Controls
1.3.1 Left Foot Pedal
1.3.2 Right Foot Pedal
1.3.3 Display
1.4 External Parts
1.4.1 Chassis
1.4.2 Faraday Cage
1.5 Traveler’s Chair
1.5.1 Head Rest and Neck Stabilizer
1.5.2 Seat and Back
2—Construction and Assembly
3—Setting Dates
4—Travel
5—Clothing and Accessories
6—Safety
7—The Traveler
What followed were twenty pages of neatly written text intertwined with drawings, sketches, and mathematical formulas. Then several pages with lists of materials needed. This list was separated into items we had in the shop and others that needed to be bought. The list had everything in it, from metal wire fencing to pieces of copper, from steel piping to Neodymium rare earth magnets that could be ordered through the mail.
The Construction and Assembly section described how to put it all together, piece by piece. I recognized my father’s writing—how he phrased certain sentences and how he began some of the lines with "Careful there!" He had used this phrase many times throughout his teachings.
"Careful there, don’t apply too much pressure on the welding rod. Let it be pulled into the steel rather than push it into the bead."
I could hear him as if he stood beside me, reading to me in his deep voice. I had to stop several times. During those moments, I felt both the pain over his loss and the love he had left behind.
I still had no idea what the finished product would be. Until I got to the end of the section. The drawing took up a whole page. It was detailed and seemed to be to scale. It took me all but two seconds to see what it was. One person could comfortably sit inside. The chassis was made from galvanized pipes. The cabin holding the traveler was surrounded by metal fencing. A faradic cage. There was an engine of sorts and two pedals, one for each foot, to control the machine.
Did he expect me to build this? He must have wanted to give it to me much later, maybe five or ten years from now. Surely he hadn’t expected to die so soon. I stared at the notebook for a while, then closed it carefully and placed it back into the drawer. I was cold all of a sudden. The fire must have gone out. "I’m sorry, Dad, but what you want me to do is impossible," I said into the silence. I listened for a moment, in case there was an answer. But the shop was quiet. When I left, the grey sky loomed overhead.
2
After that night, I didn’t set foot into the shop for a week. Instead, I glanced at it from the window of my room during the night—a dark shape against the slightly lighter background of the meadow behind it. An emptiness had spread through our house during that time. My stepmother was a ghost, busily moving from room to room, organizing my father’s belongings. My sister was consoling her but I could see that it was her who needed consoling more than anyone. She and my dad had had a difficult relationship. It didn’t help that when she was a teenager, I began to want to help him in his shop and therefore spent much more time with him than she ever did. Now I could see in her the regret of never wanting to listen to him when he spoke about the furniture he’d built or the iron gates and door hinges he had made.
I rarely went downstairs anymore except when I had to eat or do chores around the house. I spent most of the time up in my room, doing homework or looking at the shop from my window. When I lay in bed at night, my thoughts always went back to the notebook. Why did my father tell me about the drawer if he knew I would never be able to build the machine? The question kept me up at night and even my days were filled with trying to answer it. He had written the manual for me but it was clear he had intended to build it with me, not have me try it all by myself. In the hospital, he probably thought I should have it to remember him. But I didn’t want to remember him. Remembering him was too painful. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to feel his gentle touch on my shoulder when I worked on a project in the shop, hear his words of encouragement when I burned a hole into the steel or the welding rod got stuck in the bead.
I caught myself thinking about the items on the list and where to get them. A 12 Volt/700CCA car battery, the magnets, a six-by-six foot piece of metal fencing, a few copper connectors, about thirty feet of one-inch galvanized piping, a seat cushion (if needed), the display of an analog alarm clock and a few other things I could get at our hardware store. If I were to try to build it. Which I wouldn’t. But as much as I tried not to think about it, I couldn’t stop. I had forty two dollars and seven cents in my savings box. That would barely be enough to get the magnets. If I wanted to do this, I needed to get a job. But I didn’t want to get a job because I couldn’t possibly build the machine. I paced back and forth in my room, but this made me even more agitated than I already was. Eventually, I sat down on my bed and, just as I did sometimes, opened The Time Machine without any particular page in mind.
"I told some of you last Thursday of the principles of the Time Machine, and showed you the actual thing incomplete in the workshop. There it is now, a little travel worn, truly; and one of the ivory bars is cracked, and a brass rail bent; but the rest of it is sound enough. I expected to finish it on Friday, when the putting together was nearly done, I found that one of the nickel bars was exactly one inch too short, and this had to be re-made; so that the thing was not complete until this morning."
I closed the book again. Should I try it? I’m not sure what happened at that moment but something inside me gave way. I couldn’t hold out any longer. I guess the pain over not being with him was greater than the fear of building a machine that would, in the end, be just that—a machine with no purpose but to have made a fool out of me. I got dressed and went downstairs.
"Where you going?" I heard my stepmother call from the living room.
"I’ll be right back. Just going out to the shop."
I’m sure she didn’t want me to go. It was almost ten o’clock at night and tomorrow was a school day. But she couldn’t forbid it either. I felt for her at that moment. Her loss was mine and while I stood at the entrance door, we were joined in our grief over whom we had loved the most in this world.
The shop was cold. Freezing. I could see my breath when I turned the lights on. I kindled a fire and warmed my hands for a while. It would take a half hour for the room to become comfortable. Better get to work. I decided to clear one half of the shop to have an area where I could place all the needed parts. That way, I could see what was missing and add to it without losing a sense of where everything was. I also wanted to get an inventory of what tools I might need so that I could move the rest to the opposite wall.