“And yes, I meant what I said,” Vivika reiterated with a note of jealousy, “You are a gorgeous woman, Lena. You really do have it all. The entire package.”
“Well, so do you!” Lena gushed, but Vivika was having none of it.
“No… no, I don’t. I have the looks, and a little bit of talent, but you have everything in this band—we’ve all known it from the beginning. And while Jakob and Vortecx are too dumb to see what’s going on here, I’m not going to be fooled so easily.”
For a brief second, Lena’s heart skipped. How much did Vivika actually think she knew? She was perceptive, of course. And it’s not like Lena’s life for the past few months had been anything but profoundly serendipitous. It was pretty obvious, honestly, for anyone that was truly keeping track. But it could all be explained away as… I don’t know… maybe exactly what it was designed to look like? She couldn’t possibly know the real reason behind the band, could she? Then again, did Lena even know what the real purpose of the band was?
“Wh-what do you mean?” Lena asked, cautiously.
“Ever since we met you, it’s your way that has been paved—not ours. Oh sure, we’ve got new instruments, our little passports, and everything else… the studio… but let’s be honest, you’re the show. Not us.”
“That’s not true! You…”
“And while the others just ignore it, I’m not going to pretend that we don’t live where we live. The State owns us, just like the State owns everything.”
“That’s just stupid, Vivika! Can’t you…
“I’ve been in the black cells, Lena.”
Oh this changed things. Maybe not extremely so—many punkers had spent time in the black cells—but, I mean, you figure that Lena would have at least known that about her band-mates. She had spent a lot of time with them, after all. You would think significant details like that would have made it into a conversation by now, if not earlier on. And if she hadn’t known a fact like this, well, what else didn’t she know?
“You’ve…” Lena started, but Vivika ran her over.
“Yes. We’ve all been in the cells. Me, Jakob, Vortecx… I’m assuming you… and you know I’ve been spying for the Stasi, right?”
“You…”
“Yes, Lena. I’m a spitzel. A damn, rotten spitzel.”
“B-but…”
“Half of us in the scene are. You should already know that by now.”
“Well, I… I assumed that it, I mean… but…”
“Don’t worry, I haven’t told them anything. Anything true, anyway. I keep everything about you secret. But I have to be honest, it’s so much easier lying about Jakob and Vortecx. They don’t go gallivanting off in the night to the Interhostel for their dates.”
“You… you saw…” Lena stuttered. Oh god, what else had she seen?!
“Of course, I did. They told me to follow you wherever you went. But after you went in, nothing could ever possibly convince me to go into a Stasi hellhole like that.”
“Oh, thank God.” Lena breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn’t have seen anything she wasn’t supposed to see, then. Her secret was safe, but she had to find a way to lie herself out of this—somehow reassure Vivika that they were both on the same team.
“But it begs the question…” she continued, “why were you going into the Interhostel?”
“I t-told you, Vivika. I was on a date!”
“No, Lena, you weren’t. We can lie to each other all we want on that side of the Wall, but here, where we are surrounded by friends; we tell each other the truth, ok?”
“I am telling…”
“Lena,” Vivika was almost pleading, “When we can… when it’s safe to… like right now, we tell each other the truth. Okay? Promise me.”
“Vivika…” Lena tried.
“Promise me, Lena. You have to promise me.”
Lena thought about it, and realized that she had to really consider what precisely a ‘lie’ was. If it was okay for her to lie on that side of the wall… why not on this side? And why should she tell the truth right now? If she lied now, it would only serve to make her future lies more believable, right? She had everything to gain by lying right now. And yet…
Something about the situation unnerved her. She had a rare opportunity to make a friend—a true friend and ally. Vivika could be someone she could trust fully with her secrets. But as she thought more about that, something even direr dawned on her: did Lena even have any real friends? Sure, there was the rooftop gathering. But the rooftop was the only place she ever saw any of them, and she hadn’t seen them in quite some time. There were her band-mates, of course, whom she knew nothing about and lied to constantly. There was Patrick, but, he wasn’t really a friend; he was more of a supervisor that complained about similar things.
Oh sure, she could trust Patrick. That is, when he wasn’t ‘Victor’, or whoever else he had to play. And even Patrick had warned her about trusting too easily. Did that apply now? Yet despite all of this, she felt that if she lied after promising Vivika she wouldn’t, somehow that would make her lies really bad. Like, something truly awful. Besides, everyone needed a friend, and you couldn’t very well have a friend if you lied to them right from the beginning, right? So, against all reason, and against all caution, she resigned to telling Vivika the truth… or at least some of it.
“Yes, I am informing,” Lena said, looking about to make sure no one was listening. “I am informing for a Stasi officer, and I have spied on you all. They have the studio bugged too. The entire label is run by the State.”
“I figured,” Vivika nodded. “Did you tell them anything about us?”
“I told them that you all talk about…”
“No, no no… I mean important things. Like, where we go, or anything about our families.”
“Oh, no, of course not. I would never tell them the truth about that.”
“Did you tell them about the dress I stole?” Vivika replied, with a look of legitimate fear.
“No, of course not!” Lena laughed. Of all the things Vivika had to be worried about, that was her main worry?
“You promise?” Vivika asked.
“Yes, Vivika, of course I promise!”
The two laughed then. It was awkward, but comfortable at the same time. Both now knew each other’s secret. For the most part, anyway. And Lena was quite surprised to feel a weight lift off her shoulders. She hadn’t known until right now just how difficult it had been to keep such a secret hidden for so long. Surely Patrick would understand, right? After all, he probably had folks that he confided in. Why shouldn’t she?
And yet this did raise a number of questions. She couldn’t quite give a voice to all of them yet, but she knew they were there. Now that she and Vivika had this between them, it added an extra dynamic. But was that entirely a good thing? Her world was already so complicated. Could she bear one more complication?
“Lena, promise me one more thing,” Vivika looking out to scan the crowd.
“Alright?”
“No matter what happens… if this world we are in gets too crazy, and you have to run… just let me know where you are going.”
“Ok, but…” Lena stuttered. What was that supposed to mean?