Waiting for the Dark, Waiting for the Light

'Aren't you afraid you'll forget where you are?'

'What do you mean?'

'I'm going to say this because no one else will. We sometimes see your films. There's nothing to them except a little technique. I mean, you must feel that yourself.'

'I do as much as can be done.'

'Exactly. And because not much can be done, you fool

around and kid yourself that it hasn't got anything to do with you.' Peter was frowning sourly.

'Are you saying I should have found myself a castle too?'

'What kind of question is that? You wouldn't dream of it. You have more important things to do. Like showing that anyone who dares to make a protest, or isn't completely happy here, is a criminal and a threat to the common good.'

If conversations like this had to happen at all, they should be private, between the two of them. But because Alice was here, Pavel said, 'I'm not trying to show anything of the kind. I can't help what they decide to broadcast. As far as the demonstrations are concerned, even if I sometimes get to shoot them, I'm never in on the final edit.'

'No, you just give them the material,' Peter said.

'Yes, but scissors can turn a demonstration against something into a demonstration for it, and vice versa.'

'Don't hide behind someone else's scissors. You must know when you're filming what someone is going to do with those scissors.'

'That's how it is. I can just mark time where I am, leave completely or turn material over to them and let them edit it. But I take pictures just like people do all over the world. I know that at least something of what I do will survive. One day it will make interesting documentaries.'

'One day, maybe. But people are watching this stuff now, and you're helping to mislead them.'

'So what? Do you think this is the only place where people are misled? Do you-think that in other countries they churn out masterpieces? The minute you turn on the box over there someone's murdering somebody else or shooting them or kicking them when they're down. And those music videos! Once you've spent a few hours watching them, you're ready to believe that the world is a writhing, screaming, absurd madhouse. Of course you can always switch channels and watch a porn film or a horror show or look at piles of dead bodies, victims of the Mafia or terrorists or revolutionaries or brave soldiers who have just staged a coup d'état. And you can always find an ad

that will tell you which chewing-gum brings the greatest happiness to the greatest number.'

'As you well know, I haven't had a passport for fifteen years and I can't make these comparisons as easily as you can.'

'That's enough,' said Alice. 'You see each other once a year. Do you have to argue? We all have our faults — it's just easier to see other people's.'

Am I to take that personally?' asked Peter.

'It didn't occur to me that you would. But if you do, you probably have a reason.'

Just as another argument seemed about to erupt, one of the boys ran into the room and asked his father to come and help settle some less essential dispute, leaving Pavel alone with Alice.

'I don't mean to make excuses for myself,' he said, though in fact his greatest wish was to vindicate himself in her eyes, 'but I really did hope that I could do what I enjoyed doing and what I think I'm good at, and that people might occasionally learn something from it. And sometimes I think they do. Yes, I have to do things I detest. That's the price I pay. Almost everyone pays it, one way or another.'

'Peter only meant that you were destroying yourself. What you destroy in yourself can't be fixed, and that's not just true of alcoholic livers and smoked-out lungs.' Perhaps she wanted to add: or children killed before they are born. But she merely refilled his glass. He quickly downed his drink. They could hear children's voices coming from the next room. 'Would a little walk in the park help? I mean, since you were out drinking last night?'

The dry leaves rustled under their feet. The red of the honeysuckle contrasted sharply with the blue sky. She put her arm through his. The low sun surrounded her head with a shining halo. If only he could kiss her and hold her as he once had. But he knew that there was no point, so he merely said, 'It's beautiful here, and you are getting prettier and prettier. You seem to belong here for always.'

'Would you want to replace these statues with me?'

'It would certainly improve the park.'

'It would be fine during the day,' she agreed, 'but I'd be afraid at night. I don't know whether you heard about what happened. There's a club near here where the local big-shots hold weddings and banquets. One morning about a month ago, an escaped prisoner showed up with a machine-gun and killed everyone there. A cook, a waitress and three customers.'

'Why did he do it?'

'No one knows. Perhaps he went berserk, or perhaps he was drunk or just desperate. Or maybe he had always had murder in his heart and finally got his hands on a weapon.'

'Did they catch him?'

'They got him at the scene of the murder. He laid the corpses neatly side by side, then sat down, had a cigarette and waited. Actually, he must have been smoking two at a time, because when they found him, the ground all around him was littered with butts. The police just shot him. Anyway, I doubt they'd approve of me as a statue. They don't even approve your screenplays.'

'The fact that they don't approve isn't so important. I have screenplays ready that I don't even think. . ' he stopped and then added, 'I think they're quite different.'

'Different from what?'

'Different from what I do now.'

'That's good,' she said encouragingly. 'Can they be filmed?'

He shook his head.

'Some day perhaps?'

He shrugged his shoulders. 'I don't know what will happen some day — or even if I'll still be around.'

'No one knows, only God.'

Now that he'd finally found the courage to mention his screenplays, he was disappointed she hadn't given him a chance to tell her more about them.

'But I believe that nothing this bad can last forever,' she said.

'Do you really believe that?'

'Yes. The world is like an enormous set of scales. When evil begins to outweigh good, angels cram themselves in

on the lighter side. You can't see them, but there they are, restoring the balance.'

'You're that kind of angel, Alice.'

'Oh, you're always talking blasphemy. I believe in change because I don't want to stay here for the rest of my life. At least I don't want that for Peter. Actually, I quite like it, and the children love it. Growing up in a castle is quite different from growing up in some prefab high-rise. There's space here. Everywhere you go you can reach out and touch the past.'

Even the trees here were ancient. They must have witnessed many wars, many deaths, countless conversations. He noticed the imprint of a horseshoe in the sand on the pathway. Who could possibly go riding here?

'I'm glad you're not unhappy,' he said. 'People usually use their children as an excuse to explain why they are not living their own lives.' He wondered if he dared speak of himself as a potential father in front of her. Then he said, 'I think that if I'd had children, I'd be doing something completely different. Of course, you can only be decent for yourself. But you need to have someone, someone for whom you want to make the effort. I know that how I live is my own fault, but what good is it to know that?'

'You have Eva.'

He shook his head.

'OK, I'm sorry. But a person always has something more than just work and people he loves.'

'You mean God?'