So I found the head Rock and I stood there in that valley, all surrounded by Rocks going slurp! and squish! and sucking up bug food. This was not the best part of my life I’m telling you about.
“How do you do?”
I figured it was the most polite way to talk to a rock.
“How did you know I was the chief Slave?” the Rock said.
“You had the longest tongue.”
Slurp! A znigh on the wing, cruising by humming a tune, minding its own business, got it right in the punim, a tongue like a wet noodle, splat right in the punim, and a quick overhead twist and squish! all over the Rock. It splattered on me, gooey and altogether puke-making. Definitely not the kind of individual to have a terrific dinner out with. The guderim was all over me.
“Excuse the mess,” said the chief Slave. He really sounded sorry.
“Think nothing,” I said. “That was a very cute little overhand twist you gave it there at the last minute.”
He seemed flattered. “You noticed that, did you?”
“How could I help? Such a class move.”
“You know, you’re the first one who’s ever noticed that. There have been lots of studies made, by all kinds of foreigners, from other worlds, other galaxies, even, but never once did one of them notice that move. What did you say your name was?”
The bug ooze was dripping down my stomach. “My name is Evsise, and I’m looking for a person who used to be a person named Kadak. I was given to understand that he’d become a Rock a few years ago. I have a great need to find this Kadak rock, he should drop dead already such a rotten time he’s been making for me.”
“Listen,” said the chief Slave (as the remains of the znigh oozed down through the spongy surface), “I like you. Have you ever thought of converting?”
“Forget it.”
“No, really, I’m serious. To Worship the Rock is such an enriching experience, it really isn’t smart to dismiss it without giving it a try. What do you say?”
I figured I had to be a little smartsy then, just a little. “Say, I wish I could. You got no idea what a nice proposition that is you’re making to me. And in a quick second I’d take you up on it, but I got this one bissel tot of a problem.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
A psychiatrist rock, yet. I really needed this.
“I’m afraid from bugs,” I said.
He didn’t say anything for a moment. Then, “I see your point. Bugs are a very big part of our religion.”
“I can see that.”
“Ah, well. I’m sorry for you. But let’s see if I can help you. What did you say his name was?”
“Kadak.”
“Oh yeah, I remember now. What a creep.”
“That’s him.”
“Let me see now,” said the Rock. “If I recall correctly, we threw him out of the order for being a disruptive influence, oh, it must have been fifteen years ago. He used to make the ugliest noises I’ve ever heard out of a Rock.”
“Snuffling.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Snuffling is what he did. A terrible snort noise, all wet and cloggy, it could make you sick to be near it.”
“Yes, that was it.”
“So what happened to him, I’m afraid to ask.”
“He reconstituted his atoms and became just like you again.”
“Not like me, please.”
“Well, I mean the same species.”
“And he went off?”
“Yes. He said he was going to try the Fleshists.”
“I wish you hadn’t told me that.”
“I’m sorry.”
I sat down. Settled my tuchis right down between my rims, drew up my legs, and dropped my head into a half dozen of my hands. I was very glum.
“Would you like to sit on me?” the Rock asked.
It was a nice offer. “Thanks,” I said politely, looking at the last slimy ooze of the znigh on the Rock, “but I’m too miserable to be comfortable.”
“What do you need him for?” he asked.
So I explained the best I could—this was, after all, to a rock, a piece of stone, even if it could talk—about the minyan of ten. The chief Slave asked me why ten.
So I said, “On the Earth, a long time ago… you know about the Earth, right? Right. Well, on the Earth, a long time ago, God was going to give a terrific zetz to a place called Sodom. What it was, this Sodom, was a whole city full of Fleshists. Not a nice place.”
“I can’t conceive of an entire city of Fleshists,” the rock Rock said. “That’s rather an ugly thought.”
“That’s the way God looked at it.”
We were both quiet for a while, thinking about that.
“So, anyhow,” I said, “Abraham, blessed be his name, who was this very holy Jew even if he wasn’t blue, you shouldn’t hold that against him—”
“—I won’t.”
“—uh. Yes. Right. Well, Abraham pleaded with God to save Sodom.”
“Why did he do that… a city full of Fleshists. Yechh.”
“How do I know? He was holy, that’s all. So God must have thought that was a little meshugge… a little crazy… also, you know God is no dummy… and he told Abraham he’d spare Sodom if Abraham could find fifty righteous men living there—”
“Just men? What about women?”
“There isn’t scripture on that one.”
“Sounds like your God is a sexist.”
“At least, you’ll pardon my frankness now, but at least he isn’t a thing that lies in a valley for birds to make ka-ka on.”
“That’s rather rude of you.”
“I’m terribly sorry, but it isn’t nice to call the one true God a rotten name.”
“I was only asking.”
“Well, it isn’t too classy for a rock to ask them kinds questions. Now do you want to hear this or don’t you?”
“Yes, sure. But—”
“But what!?”
“Why did this God haggle with this Abraham? Why didn’t he just tell him he was going to do it, and then do it?”
I was getting pretty upset, you know what I mean? “It was because Abraham was a mensch, a real terrific person, that’s why, okay?”
The rock didn’t answer. I guess he was sulking. So okay, let him sulk. “Then Abraham said, okay, what if I can only find forty righteous men? And God said, okay, let be forty. So Abraham said what if only thirty, and God said, nu, let be thirty already, and then Abraham said what if only twenty, and God started yelling all right stop nuhdzhing me, let be twenty…”
“Let me guess,” the rock said, “Abraham said ten, and your God got really mad and said ten was it, and no further, and that’s how you came up with ten men for the congregation.”
“You’ve heard it,” I said.
The rock was silent again.
Finally, he said, “Listen, I like your idea of religion. I’m not altogether happy being a Slave of the Rock, even if I am the chief Rock. How about if I converted and came back with you, and made the tenth for the minyan?”
I thought about that for a while. “Well,” I said slowly, “the Talmud does say, ‘Nine free men and a slave may be reckoned together for a quorum,’ but against that is quoted that Rabbi Eliezer went into a Synagogue and didn’t find ten there, so he freed his slave and with him completed the number, but if there had only been seven and he had freed two slaves, it wouldn’t have been kosher. But with one freed slave and the Rabbi it made ten. So, clearly, as all agree, eight freemen and two slaves would not answer the purpose. But, if you just put yourself in my place for a moment, you’re not, even remotely speaking, my slave. You’re the Slave of the Rock. And besides, it takes a long time to convert. Can you speak Hebrew? Even a little?”