“Such a pleasant evening,” she said, taking a vacant seat and smiling up at Lord Eden, who resumed his own seat. “Of course, Mrs. Simpson, you must feel, as I do, that it would be easier to remain at home alone and grieve. But one must make an effort to continue with life, mustn’t one?”
“Yes,” Ellen said.
“You are in many ways fortunate,” Susan said, unfurling a fan and fanning herself slowly with it. “You have a daughter to take about with you. And you have another event to anticipate.” She glanced archly at Lord Eden and laughed. “But we must not put his lordship to the blush by discussing such matters.”
“Is Mrs. Courtney staying in town long, Susan?” Lord Eden asked.
“She talks about going home,” she said. “Papa and the boys are so helpless when she is not there. But she knows that I need her. And she will not abandon me in my time of great need. It is a great comfort to have one’s mother close, Mrs. Simpson.”
Ellen inclined her head.
“You are going into Wiltshire tomorrow, my lord?” Susan said. “Your family will miss you dreadfully, I am sure.”
“After Christmas,” he said abruptly. “I will be going into Wiltshire after Christmas. I plan to spend a few months first at Amberley Court.”
Susan’s face brightened. “But how happy your mama must be,” she said.
“Yes,” he said. “She will be happy to have her family all together again at Amberley.”
“Of course,” Susan said, “I must be going into the country soon too. Mama is restless, and Lord Renfrew is about to betroth himself to Lady Penelope Varley, I believe, though he has been obliging enough to assure me that I may always have a home with him. I shall doubtless spend what is left of my year of mourning quietly at home.”
“Then I shall look forward to seeing you there, Susan,” he said.
“You are very kind,” she said. “You will like Amberley Court, Mrs. Simpson. The valley and the beach and the cliffs. I am afraid of heights, of course, and can never enjoy the cliffs. I hope you are not as silly as I. I am sure I spoil everyone’s enjoyment. You will find plenty to do there. And the young people will amuse themselves. Your stepdaughter will be happy there.”
“I rather think Mrs. Simpson might qualify as one of the young persons, Susan,” Lord Eden said.
Susan looked at him with large, remorseful eyes. “Of course,” she said. “Pardon me, ma’am. I did not mean to imply…Why, I daresay you are not above five or six years older than I. It is just that you were married longer, and your husband was older than mine. And of course, you are enceinte. But I did not mean to imply that you were old.”
“Mrs. Jennings, ma’am.” Sir Jasper was smiling down at all three of them suddenly. “Mr. Winslow is in need of a partner for the next hand. Would you oblige?”
“Why, certainly,” she said. “It is very kind of you to ask, I am sure, sir.”
Lord Eden too got to his feet, though he stayed for a moment when the other two had moved away.
“You will be able to get out the words at your leisure, Ellen,” he said. “You are to be at Amberley for three weeks? Or do you plan to change your mind about going? Do so, if you will. But you will not escape from me. You will tell me the truth, with your eyes on mine, before you can hope to see the last of me.”
“I shall be going to Amberley Court,” she said. “I do not change my mind as easily as you seem to do, my lord.”
He nodded and turned away. “We will talk further there, then,” he said. But he turned back after taking only one step in the direction of the tables. “Have you seen a physician, Ellen?”
“Yes,” she said.
“And is all well?” he asked. “There have been no recurrences of the fainting spell? I assume it was your condition that caused that.”
“The doctor says I am in the best of health,” she said.
He looked at her broodingly before moving away abruptly.
ELLEN DID NOT SLEEP at all that night. The accusation of cowardice had cut to the heart of her guilt. And the more so because she had no defenses against it. He had been quite right. She was a coward.
Less than a month after the death of her husband she had conceived another man’s child. And rather than admit that fact to the world, she had allowed other people-members of Charlie’s family-to believe that it was his. She had never lied to them. But she had allowed them to believe a lie, and that was just as bad. Now she seemed to be in a quite hopeless situation.
But worse had happened. She had finally lied outright. She had told Dominic that the baby was Charlie’s. A pointless and an unnecessary lie. Why had she said it? She could not answer her own question. It had been wrong, of course, to withhold the truth from him in the first place. She had realized that all along. But to lie to him when the truth was out was utter madness. And she did not know why she had done so and why she had not been able to put the matter right when he had given her the chance to do so.
Oh, yes, she was a coward. She had prided herself so much on her independence, on her ability to survive even the crushing blow of Charlie’s death. And yet she was too cowardly to admit that the child she was carrying was illegitimate. Even though she was not ashamed at all of its illegitimacy. Even though she had loved its father when he had begotten it in her.
She slipped out of the house the following morning and had the carriage drop her outside the Earl of Harrowby’s house. She willed him to be at home, not to have departed for one of his clubs already. But she need not have feared. It was too early for him to be abroad. She had to wait in the morning room while his valet hastily dressed and shaved him.
Ellen was nervously pacing the room when he finally made an appearance. She shot across the room almost before he could get any greeting out, and straight into his arms.
“Ellie?” he said, one large hand going to the back of her head. “What is it, girl?”
“He has found out,” she blurted into his neckcloth, “and I lied to him and told him it is Charlie’s. And if it is a boy, he will be Sir Jasper’s heir. And Phillip will be defrauded. Papa. Oh, Papa, I have made such a mess of things. And me five-and-twenty years old. I have made such a mess of things.”
“Ellie,” he said, rocking her comfortingly in his arms, “we all make a mess of life sometimes, girl. But there is usually a way out if we want it dearly enough.”
She closed her eyes and let the comfort of his arms flow over her.
“Come into the breakfast room with me,” he said. “Have you had breakfast? And you shall tell me what it is you were trying to tell me just now. It didn’t make much sense, Ellie, girl. It is the father who has found out?”
She nodded against his neckcloth and lifted her head away from him. “I didn’t have breakfast,” she said.
Sometimes, she thought afterward, one did not need anything more to help one solve one’s problems than a truly sympathetic ear. Her father had said very little. She had done most of the talking. He had not given any advice or any comment on what was right or wrong. He had offered to go with her to Sir Jasper Simpson’s, and she had been very tempted to say yes. But she had not. She had decided herself what must be done, and she would do it alone. She was very much afraid, but she would do it.
“Papa,” she said when she was leaving, wrapping her arms about his neck and standing on tiptoe so that she might lay her cheek against his. “Papa, the very worst thing I ever did was to turn my back on you, thinking that somehow it was the honorable thing to do. I don’t care if you are my real father or not. I really don’t care. You are my papa, and that is all that matters.”
“And this is your home,” he said, patting her reassuringly on the back. “You must come here, Ellie, when you come back from Amberley’s home. You must not rush into buying a place that you may not really like. You must come here. I’ll stay sober if you come home, you know.”
She withdrew her cheek from his and smiled up into his face. “No, you won’t, Papa,” she said. “Be honest. But it does not matter. I love you anyway.”