"It sure is pretty," I said. Mr. Robinson took me by the arm, up onto the little stage, and everyone clapped. They were all people I knewpeople from the farms near ours, my high-school teachers, and all that.
I sat down in a chaif and Mr. Robinson made a little speech, about how Harmonville boys had always gone out when anything big was doing, how they'd gone to the War of 1812 and the Civil War and the two World Wars, and how now one of them had gone to Mars.
He said, "Folks have always wondered what it's like out there on Mars, and now here's one of our own Hannonville boys come back to tell us all about it."
And he motioned me to get up, and I did, and they clapped some more, and I stood wondering what I could tell them.
And all of a sudden, as I stood there wondering, I got the answer to something that had always puzzled us out there. We'd never been able to understand why the fellows who had come back from Expedition One hadn't tipped us off how tough it was going to be. And now I knew why. They hadn't because it would have sounded as if they were whining about all they'd been through. And now I couldn't, for the same reason.
I looked down at the bright, interested faces, the faces I'd known almost all my life, and I knew that what I could tell them was no good anyway. For they'd all read those newspaper stories, about "the exotic red planet" and "heroic spacemen," and if anyone tried to give them a different picture now, it would just upset them.
I said, "It was a long way out there. But flying space is a wonderful thingflying right off the Earth, into the stars there's nothing quite like it."
Flying space, I called it. It sounded good, and thrill- ing. How could they know that flying space meant lying strapped in that blind stokehold listening to Joe Valinez dying, and praying and praying that it wouldn't be our rocket that cracked up?
"And it's a wonderful thrill to come out of a rocket and step on a brand-new world, to look up at a different-looking sun, to look around at a whole new horizon…" Yes, it was wonderful. Especially for the guys in Rockets Seven and Nine who got squashed like flies and lay around there on the sand, moaning "First aidi" Sure, it was a big thrill, for them and for us who had to try to help them.
"There were hardships out there, but we all knew that a big job had to be done…"
That's a nice word, too, "hardships." It's not coarse and ugly like fellows coughing their hearts out from too much dust; it's not like having your best friend die of Martian sick- ness right in the room you sleep in. It's a nice, cheerful word, "hardships."
… and the only way we could get the job done, away out there so far from Earth, was by teamwork." Well, that was true enough in its way, and what was the use of spoiling it by telling them how Walter and Breck had died?
"The job's going on, and Expedition Three is building a bigger base out there right now, and Four will start soon. And itil mean plenty of uranium, plenty of cheap atomic power, for all Earth."
That's what I said, and I stopped there. But I wanted to go on and add, "And it wasn't worth iti It wasn't worth all those guys, all the hell we went through, just to get cheap atomic power so you people can run more electric washers and television sets and toasters!"
But how are you going to stand up and say things like that to people you know, people who like you? And who was I to decide? Maybe I was wrong, anyway. Maybe lots of things I'd had and never thought about had been squeezed out of other good guys, back in the past.
I wouldn't know.
Anyway, that was all I could tell them, and I sat down, and there was a big lot of applause, and I realized then that I'd done right. I'd told them just what they wanted to hear, and everyone was all happy about it.
Then things broke up, and people came up to me, and I shook a lot more hands. And finally, when I got outside, it was darksoft, summery dark, the way I hadn't seen it for a long time. And my father said we ought to be getting on home, so I could rest.
I told him, "You folks drive on ahead, and I'll walk. Ill take the short cut. I'd sort of like to walk through town." Our farm was only a couple of miles out of the village, and the short cut across Heller's farm I'd always taken when I was a kid was only a mile. Dad didn't think maybe I ought to walk so far, but I guess he saw I wanted to, so they went on ahead.
I walked on down Market Street, and around the little square, and the maples and elms were dark over my head, and the flowers on the lawns smelled the way they used to, but it wasn't the same eitherI'd thought it would be, but it wasn't.
When I cut off past the Odd Fellows' Hall, beyond it I met Hobe Evans, the garage hand at the Ford place, who was humming along half tight, the same as always on a Saturday night,
"Hello, Frank, heard you were back," he said. I waited for him to ask the question they all asked, but he didn't. He said, "Boy, you don't look so good! Want a drink?" He brought out a bottle, and I had one out of it, and he had one, and he said he'd see me around, and went hum- ming on his way. He was feeling too good to care much where I'd been.
I went on, in the dark, across Heller's pasture and then along the creek under the big old willows. I stopped there like I'd always stopped when I was a kid, to hear the frog noises, and there they were, and all the June noises, the night noises, and the night smells.
I did something I hadn't done for a long time. I looked up at the starry sky, and there it was, the same little red dot I'd peered at when I was a kid and read those old stories, the same red dot that Breck and Jim and Walter and I had stared away at on nights at training base, won- dering if we'd ever really get there.
Well, they'd got there, and weren't ever going to leave it now, and there'd be others to stay with them, more and more of them as time went by.
But it was the ones I knew that made the difference, as I looked up at the red dot.
I wished I could explain to them somehow why I hadn't told the truth, not the whole truth. I tried, sort of, to ex- plain.
"I didn't want to lie," I said. "But I had to-at least, it seemed like I had to"
I quit it. It was crazy, talking to guys who were dead and forty million miles away. They were dead, and it was over, and that was that. I quit looking up at the red dot in the sky and started on home again.
But I felt as though something was over for me too. It was being young. I didn't feel old. But I didn't feel young either, and I didn't think I ever would, not ever again.