AFTERWORD
Author here. Let me get serious for a moment.
Some of my fan mail is from readers who do not believe these books are entirely fictional, seeking advice because they themselves see or hear strange things that others cannot. To them, I want to make it clear that I have never encountered the supernatural and do not expect to in this lifetime. The creatures that roam these pages are either from my imagination or from the long tradition of horror tales humans have been telling each other over campfires since before the advent of the written word.
I believe that anyone can “see” a ghost, monster, or “shadow person” under the right circumstances—the brain is an imperfect organ and it misfires from time to time. If, however, you see unnatural things that frighten you or interfere with your life, I would urge you to see a doctor. We know as a matter of scientific fact that the entities that stalk you are almost certainly the result of a treatable condition. Your doctor will not mock you or demand you be restrained and banished to an island of misfits. You will not be their first such patient and, in fact, they’ve probably seen your situation enough that they don’t even find it particularly interesting anymore (about one in twenty adults say they’ve had at least one hallucination, and that’s just the ones who’ll admit it). It’s nothing to be ashamed of—often the greatest difficulty faced by people suffering from mental illness is society’s inexcusable ignorance of the subject.
Other business:
Special thanks to Mack Leighty, my childhood friend who invented the character of John and who, by the way, has an audience of tens of millions of readers thanks to his day job at Cracked.com. You can find many of his hilarious and insightful posts here:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/author/John+Cheese/
This novel, if you didn’t realize it, is actually the third in a series. The first was called John Dies at the End (which was made into a fabulous movie by horror legend Don Coscarelli) and the second was titled This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don’t Touch It. That one was my first New York Times bestseller, a fact that I loudly share with every single stranger I encounter on the street.
Then, there is my most critically acclaimed, yet equally stupid novel Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits. It is a cautionary tale of cybernetically enhanced morons and the smooth-talking team of suits who try to keep them from wrecking the world. I may have written a sequel to that book by the time you read this. I have no way of knowing, your present is my future and for all I know, I was shot to death trying to hold up a liquor store a week before this went to press.
Likewise, I have no idea if there will be another book in the “John and Dave” series. I would assume there will be and that it will presumably contain fewer butt references than this one (I mean, it’s not like I can fit in more) but you’ll just have to stay tuned. If you want to keep up with news of upcoming titles and other noteworthy things in my life, assuming the Internet still exists, I can be found at:
Johndiesattheend.com
or on Facebook at:
www.facebook.com/JohnDiesattheEnd.TheNovel
Or you can read my humorous nonfiction essays at Cracked.com, where I am the executive editor as of the writing of this Afterword:
http://www.cracked.com/members/David+Wong/
Even more special thanks go to my wife, who tolerates all of this. You can probably guess that the type of person who would write a book like this is not terribly easy to live with in person.
—David Wong aka Jason Pargin
January 2017
ALSO BY DAVID WONG
John Dies at the End
This Book Is Full of Spiders
Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits
Thank you for buying this
St. Martin’s Press ebook.
To receive special offers, bonus content,
and info on new releases and other great reads,
sign up for our newsletters.
Or visit us online at
us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup
For email updates on the author, click here.
CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Prologue
1. A Child Got Kidnapped by a Demon or Something
2. A Screaming Clown Dick
3. Joy Park
4. A Monster’s Pictures, a Grieving Widow, Sex
5. Amy’s Breakfast with Evil
6. The Rain Continues, and Also John Dies
7. The Battle of John’s Living Room
Book II
8. Attack of the Fuckroaches
9. Another Child Goes Missing
10. A Flashback to Amy’s Traumatic Waffle Experience
11. This Isn’t What it Looks Like, I Swear
12. Diogee Wasn’t a Good Dog
13. Wait, What the Fuck?
14. A Brief History of Invasive Fish Species in the Mississippi River and Their Impact on International Commerce
15. Soy Sauce
16. The Great Dildo Flood
17. Joining Maggie for Breakfast
Book III
18. Once Again, Marconi Selfishly Tries to Steal the Spotlight
19. The Crew Encounter Some Additional Complications
20. The Ass Letter
21. We All Must Learn from Kurt Russell’s Tragic Mistake
22. The Heroes Agree to Help Murder a Dozen Children
23. A Plan with No Possible Flaws
24. An Experiment Yields Some Inconsistent Data
25. Well, They Certainly Fucked that Up, Didn’t They?
26. Grappling Hooks Aren’t Cheap, You Guys
27. This Womb of Mine
28. A Completely Successful Plan that Ends the Story, This Is Probably the Final Chapter Right Here
29. The Danger of Acting on Incomplete Information
30. Mobile Surgery
31. The Undisclosed Hospital Was Recently Renovated and Is Now a Pretty Nice Facility
32. Five Days Later
33. A Completely Uneventful Denouement. We Can Probably Cut this Part, Seriously, Stop Reading
Afterword
Also by David Wong
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ. Copyright 2017 by David Wong. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.stmartins.com
Cover photographs: flame illustration © 2017 Ken Orvidas c/o theispot; heads © Essl/Shutterstock.com; scales © bioraven/Shutterstock.com; cigarettes © Macrovector/Shutterstock.com; church © CharacterFamily/Shutterstock.com; book © totallypic/Shutterstock.com; skull © Aji Pebriana/Shutterstock.com; man © 3D Vector/Shutterstock.com; hands © Sudowoodo/Shutterstock.com; spider © geraria/Shutterstock.com
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-04020-6 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-4668-3544-3 (ebook)
eISBN 9781466835443
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: October 2017