William Shakespear’s
The Jedi Doth Return
by Ian Doescher
FOR BOB, MY DAD, WHO NE’ER CUT OFF MY HAND.
FOR BETH, MY MOM, WHO NEVER WED MY UNCLE.
AND FOR MY BROTHER ERIK, WHO NE’ER TRIED
(AS LEIA DID) TO KISS A BROTHER’S LIPS.
Illustrations by Nicolas Delort
CHORUS
LUKE SKYWALKER, a Jedi trainee
GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI, a Jedi Knight
YODA, a Jedi Master
PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA, of Alderaan
HAN SOLO, a rebel captain
CHEWBACCA, his Wookiee and first mate
C-3PO, a droid
R2-D2, his companion
LANDO OF CALRISSIAN, a scoundrel
MON MOTHMA, leader of the Rebel Alliance
ACKBAR AND MADINE, rebel leaders
WEDGE ANTILLES, a rebel pilot
NIEN NUNB, a rebel pilot
EMPEROR PALPATINE, ruler of the Empire
DARTH VADER, a Sith Lord
JERJERROD and PIETT, gentlemen of the Empire
JABBA OF THE HUTT, a gangster
BIB FORTUNA, Jabba’s man
SALACIOUS CRUMB, Jabba’s fool
BOBA FETT, a bounty hunter
THE MAX REBO BAND, Jabba’s palace musicians
EV-9D9, a droid in Jabba’s service
RANCOR, a monster in Jabba’s service
THE RANCOR KEEPER, its owner
REBEL PILOTS, TROOPS, EWOKS, GAMORREAN GUARDS, JABBA’S COURTIERS, BOUNTY HUNTERS, IMPERIAL TROOPS, SCOUTS, OFFICERS, COMMANDERS, CONTROLLERS, GUARDS, ROYAL GUARDS, and SOLDIERS
Outer space.
Enter CHORUS
Chorus
O join us, friends and mortals, on the scene—
Another chapter of our cosmic tale.
Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine,
To save his friend Han Solo from his jail
Within the grasp of Jabba of the Hutt.
But while Luke doth the timely rescue scheme,
The vile Galactic Empire now hath cut
New plans for a space station with a beam
More awful than the first fear’d Death Star’s blast.
This weapon ultimate shall, when complete,
Mean doom for those within the rebel cast
Who fight to earn the taste of freedom sweet.
In time so long ago begins our play,
In hope-fill’d galaxy far, far away.
Inside the second Death Star.
Enter DARTH VADER and MOFF JERJERROD.
Vader
Cease to persuade, my grov’ling Jerjerrod,
Long-winded Moffs have ever sniv’ling wits.
’Tis plain to me thy progress falls behind
And lacks the needed motivation. Thus,
I have arriv’d to set thy schedule right.
Jerjerrod
Aye, we are honor’d by your presence, Lord.
To have you here is unexpected joy.
Vader
Thou mayst dispense with ev’ry pleasantry.
Thy fawning words no int’rest hold for me.
So cease thy prating over my arrival
And tell me how thou shalt correct thy faults.
Jerjerrod
I tell thee truly, Lord, my men do work
As quickly as each one is capable—
No more is possible for them to do.
Vader
Mayhap I shall find new, creative ways
To motivate them.
Jerjerrod
—Lord, I’ll warrant that
The station shall be operational
Within the date and time that have been set.
Upon my honor I may make such claim.
Vader
The Emperor, however, doth not share
Thine optimistic attitude thereon.
Jerjerrod
But, Lord, he doth expect th’impossible!
I need more bodies to fulfill this task.
If I had but a hundred able souls
To work alongside those already here,
’Twould be far simpler to complete the work
And make this Death Star ready when ’tis due.
Vader
Thou wilt have opportunity to ask
The Emp’ror for these further workers, for
He shall arrive upon the Death Star soon.
Jerjerrod
[ aside:] O news that fills my heart with utter dread!
[ To Darth Vader:] The Emperor himself shall come here?
Vader
—Aye.
Displeasèd is he with thy thorough lack
Of progress on this station incomplete.
Jerjerrod
Our efforts shall be doubled instantly!
Vader
I do hope so, Commander, for thy sake—
The Emperor is known for being less
Forgiving than myself. Pray, is that clear?
Jerjerrod
It is, Lord Vader, perfectly. Thy words
I hear and shall obey. With gratitude
I praise thee for thine honesty herein.
[Exit Moff Jerjerrod.
Vader
The scene is set for this, the final act.
I shall destroy the rebels, one and all,
And turn young Luke, my son, unto the dark.
It is the role I play, my destiny—
The grand performance for which I am made.
Come, author of the dark side of the Force,
Make me the servant of thy quill and write
The tale wherein my son and I are seal’d
As one. Come, take mine ev’ry doubt from me,
And fashion from my heart of flesh and wires
A perfect actor: callous, cold, and harsh.
Let this, the second Death Star, be the stage,
And all the galaxy be setting to
The greatest moment of my narrative:
The scene in which the Empire’s fight is won
Whilst I decide the Fate of mine own son.
[Exit Darth Vader.
The desert planet Tatooine, at Jabba’s Palace.
Enter C-3PO and R2-D2.
C-3PO
Again, R2, we are on Tatooine.
I would not e’er have ventur’d to return
Unto this place most desolate and wild,
Except that Master Luke hath sent us here
Upon an errand. Yet I know not what
Our message is, but only that I should
To Jabba of the Hutt deliver it.
O place most barren—I have miss’d thee not.
R2-D2
C-3PO
—Indeed I am afraid, R2,
And so shouldst thou be, too, for Lando of
Calrissian and brave Chewbacca ne’er
Return’d from here.
R2-D2
C-3PO
—Be not
So certain, R2, for if thou didst know
But half of all that I have heard about
This Jabba of the Hutt—his cruelty, how
He tortures innocents, and all the beasts
He keeps to do his will—belike thou wouldst
Short-circuit.