VALENTINE How now, sirrah?
SPEED She is not within hearing, sir.
VALENTINE Why, sir, who bade you call her?
SPEED Your worship, sir, or else I mistook.
VALENTINE Well, you’ll still be too forward.
SPEED And yet I was last chidden for being too slow.
VALENTINE Go to, sir. Tell me, do you know Madam Silvia?
SPEED She that your worship loves?
VALENTINE Why, how know you that I am in love?
SPEED Marry, by these special marks: first, you have learned, like Sir Proteus, to wreath your arms, like a malcontent; to relish a love-song, like a robin redbreast; to walk alone, like one that had the pestilence; to sigh, like a schoolboy that had lost his ABC; to weep, like a young wench that had buried her grandam; to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like one that fears robbing; to speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were wont, when you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you walked, to walk like one of the lions. When you fasted, it was presently after dinner; when you looked sadly, it was for want of money. And now you are metamorphosed with a mistress, that when I look on you I can hardly think you my master.
VALENTINE Are all these things perceived in me?
SPEED They are all perceived without ye.
VALENTINE Without me? They cannot.
SPEED Without you? Nay, that’s certain, for without you were so simple, none else would. But you are so without these follies that these follies are within you, and shine through you like the water in an urinal, that not an eye that sees you but is a physician to comment on your malady.
VALENTINE But tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia?
SPEED She that you gaze on so as she sits at supper?
VALENTINE Hast thou observed that? Even she I mean.
SPEED Why sir, I know her not.
VALENTINE Dost thou know her by my gazing on her, and yet know’st her not?
SPEED Is she not hard-favoured, sir?
VALENTINE Not so fair, boy, as well favoured.
SPEED Sir, I know that well enough.
VALENTINE What dost thou know?
SPEED That she is not so fair as of you well favoured.
VALENTINE I mean that her beauty is exquisite but her favour infinite.
SPEED That’s because the one is painted and the other out of all count.
VALENTINE How painted? And how out of count?
SPEED Marry, sir, so painted to make her fair that no man counts of her beauty.
VALENTINE How esteem’st thou me? I account of her beauty.
SPEED You never saw her since she was deformed.
VALENTINE How long hath she been deformed?
SPEED Ever since you loved her.
VALENTINE I have loved her ever since I saw her, and still I see her beautiful.
SPEED If you love her you cannot see her.
VALENTINE Why?
SPEED Because love is blind. O that you had mine eyes, or your own eyes had the lights they were wont to have when you chid at Sir Proteus for going ungartered.
VALENTINE What should I see then?
SPEED Your own present folly and her passing deformity; for he being in love could not see to garter his hose, and you being in love cannot see to put on your hose.
VALENTINE Belike, boy, then you are in love, for last morning you could not see to wipe my shoes.
SPEED True, sir. I was in love with my bed. I thank you, you swinged me for my love, which makes me the bolder to chide you for yours.
VALENTINE In conclusion, I stand affected to her.
SPEED I would you were set. So your affection would cease.
VALENTINE Last night she enjoined me to write some lines to one she loves.
SPEED And have you?
VALENTINE I have. 85
SPEED Are they not lamely writ?
VALENTINE No, boy, but as well as I can do them. Peace, here she comes.
Enter Silvia
SPEED (aside) O excellent motion! O exceeding puppet!
Now will he interpret to her.
VALENTINE
Madam and mistress, a thousand good-morrows.
SPEED (aside)
O, give ye good e’en! Here’s a million of manners.
SILVIA
Sir Valentine and servant, to you two thousand.
SPEED (aside) He should give her interest, and she gives it him.
VALENTINE
As you enjoined me, I have writ your letter
Unto the secret, nameless friend of yours;
Which I was much unwilling to proceed in
But for my duty to your ladyship.
He gives her a letter
SILVIA
I thank you, gentle servant. ‘Tis very clerkly done.
VALENTINE
Now trust me, madam, it came hardly off;
For being ignorant to whom it goes
I writ at random, very doubtfully.
SILVIA
Perchance you think too much of so much pains?
VALENTINE
No, madam. So it stead you I will write—
Please you command—a thousand times as much.
And yet . . .
SILVIA
A pretty period. Well, I guess the sequel.
And yet I will not name it. And yet I care not.
And yet, take this again.
She offers him the letter
And yet I thank you,
Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.
SPEED (aside)
And yet you will, and yet another yet.
VALENTINE
What means your ladyship? Do you not like it?
SILVIA
Yes, yes. The lines are very quaintly writ,
But since unwillingly, take them again.
She presses the letter upon him
Nay, take them.
VALENTINE
Madam, they are for you.
SILVIA
Ay, ay. You writ them, sir, at my request,
But I will none of them. They are for you.
I would have had them writ more movingly.
VALENTINE
Please you, I’ll write your ladyship another.
SILVIA
And when it’s writ, for my sake read it over,
And if it please you, so. If not, why, so.
VALENTINE
If it please me, madam? What then?
SILVIA
Why, if it please you, take it for your labour.
And so good morrow, servant.
Exit
SPEED (aside)
O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible
As a nose on a man’s face or a weathercock on a
steeple.
My master sues to her, and she hath taught her suitor,
He being her pupil, to become her tutor.
O excellent device! Was there ever heard a better?—
That my master, being scribe, to himself should write
the letter.
VALENTINE How now, sir—what, are you reasoning with yourself?
SPEED Nay, I was rhyming. ‘Tis you that have the reason.
VALENTINE To do what?
SPEED To be a spokesman from Madam Silvia.
VALENTINE To whom?
SPEED To yourself. Why, she woos you by a figure.
VALENTINE What figure?
SPEED By a letter, I should say.
VALENTINE Why, she hath not writ to me.