SPEED What need she, when she hath made you write to yourself? Why, do you not perceive the jest?
VALENTINE No, believe me.
SPEED No believing you indeed, sir. But did you perceive her earnest?
VALENTINE She gave me none, except an angry word.
SPEED Why, she hath given you a letter.
VALENTINE That’s the letter I writ to her friend.
SPEED And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end.
VALENTINE I would it were no worse.
SPEED I’ll warrant you, ‘tis as well.
For often have you writ to her, and she in modesty
Or else for want of idle time could not again reply,
Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind
discover,
Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her
lover.
—All this I speak in print, for in print I found it. Why
muse you, sir? ‘Tis dinner-time.
VALENTINE I have dined.
SPEED Ay, but hearken, sir. Though the chameleon love can feed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my victuals, and would fain have meat. O, be not like your mistress—be moved, be moved!
Exeunt
2.2 Enter Proteus and Julia
PROTEUS
Have patience, gentle Julia.
JULIA
I must where is no remedy.
PROTEUS
When possibly I can I will return.
JULIA
If you turn not, you will return the sooner.
She gives him a ring
Keep this remembrance for thy Julia’s sake.
PROTEUS
Why then, we’ll make exchange. Here, take you this.
He gives her a ring
JULIA
And seal the bargain with a holy kiss.
⌈They kiss⌉
PROTEUS
Here is my hand for my true constancy.
And when that hour o’erslips me in the day
Wherein I sigh not, Julia, for thy sake,
The next ensuing hour some foul mischance
Torment me for my love’s forgetfulness.
My father stays my coming. Answer not.
The tide is now. (Julia weeps) Nay, not thy tide of tears,
That tide will stay me longer than I should.
Julia, farewell.
Exit Julia
What, gone without a word?
Ay, so true love should do. It cannot speak,
For truth hath better deeds than words to grace it.
Enter Panthino
PANTHINO
Sir Proteus, you are stayed for.
PROTEUS
Go, I come, I come.—
Alas, this parting strikes poor lovers dumb.
Exeunt
2.3 Enter Lance with his dog Crab
LANCE (to the audience) Nay, ‘twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Lances have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial’s court. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble-stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would have wept to have seen our parting. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting. Nay, I’ll show you the manner of it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father. No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so, neither. Yes, it is so, it is so, it hath the worser sole. This shoe with the hole in it is my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on’t, there ‘tis. Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand. This hat is Nan our maid. I am the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog. O, the dog is me, and I am myself. Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father. ‘Father, your blessing.’ Now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping. Now should I kiss my father. Well, he weeps on. Now come I to my mother. O that she could speak now, like a moved woman. Well, I kiss her. Why, there ‘tis. Here’s my mother’s breath up and down. Now come I to my sister. Mark the moan she makes.—Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word. But see how I lay the dust with my tears.
Enter Panthino
PANTHINO Lance, away, away, aboard. Thy master is shipped, and thou art to post after with oars. What’s the matter? Why weep’st thou, man? Away, ass, you’ll lose the tide if you tarry any longer.
LANCE It is no matter if the tied were lost, for it is the unkindest tied that ever any man tied.
PANTHINO What’s the unkindest tide?
LANCE Why, he that’s tied here, Crab my dog.
PANTHINO Tut, man, I mean thou’lt lose the flood, and in losing the flood, lose thy voyage, and in losing thy voyage, lose thy master, and in losing thy master, lose thy service, and in losing thy service—
Lance puts his hand over Panthino’s mouth
Why dost thou stop my mouth?
LANCE For fear thou shouldst lose thy tongue.
PANTHINO Where should I lose my tongue?
LANCE In thy tale.
PANTHINO In thy tail!
LANCE Lose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and the service, and the tied? Why, man, if the river were dry, I am able to fill it with my tears. If the wind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs.
PANTHINO Come, come away, man. I was sent to call thee.
LANCE Sir, call me what thou darest.
PANTHINO Wilt thou go?
LANCE Well, I will go. Exeunt
2.4 Enter Valentine, Silvia, Thurio, and Speed
SILVIA Servant!
VALENTINE Mistress?
SPEED (to Valentine) Master, Sir Thurio frowns on you.
VALENTINE Ay, boy, it’s for love.
SPEED Not of you. 5
VALENTINE Of my mistress, then.
SPEED ‘Twere good you knocked him.
SILVIA (to Valentine) Servant, you are sad.
VALENTINE Indeed, madam, I seem so.
THURIO Seem you that you are not?
VALENTINE Haply I do.
THURIO So do counterfeits.
VALENTINE So do you.
THURIO What seem I that I am not?
VALENTINE Wise.
THURIO What instance of the contrary?
VALENTINE Your folly.
THURIO And how quote you my folly?
VALENTINE I quote it in your jerkin.
THURIO My ‘jerkin’ is a doublet.
VALENTINE Well then, I’ll double your folly.
THURIO How!
SILVIA What, angry, Sir Thurio? Do you change colour?
VALENTINE Give him leave, madam, he is a kind of chameleon.
THURIO That hath more mind to feed on your blood than live in your air.
VALENTINE You have said, sir.
THORIO Ay, sir, and done too, for this time.