SPEED ‘Item, she doth talk in her sleep.’
LANCE It’s no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.
SPEED ‘Item, she is slow in words.’
LANCE O villain, that set this down among her vices! To be slow in words is a woman’s only virtue. I pray thee out with’t, and place it for her chief virtue.
SPEED ‘Item, she is proud.’
LANCE Out with that, too. It was Eve’s legacy, and cannot be ta’en from her.
SPEED ‘Item, she hath no teeth.’
LANCE I care not for that, neither, because I love crusts.
SPEED ‘Item, she is curst.’
LANCE Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.
SPEED ‘Item, she will often praise her liquor.’
LANCE If her liquor be good, she shall. If she will not, I will; for good things should be praised.
SPEED ‘Item, she is too liberal.’
LANCE Of her tongue she cannot, for that’s writ down she is slow of. Of her purse she shall not, for that I’ll keep shut. Now of another thing she may, and that cannot I help. Well, proceed.
SPEED ‘Item, she hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults.’
LANCE Stop there. I’ll have her. She was mine and not mine twice or thrice in that last article. Rehearse that once more. 347
SPEED ‘Item, she hath more hair than wit’—
LANCE ‘More hair than wit.’ It may be. I’ll prove it: the cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it is more than the salt. The hair that covers the wit is more than the wit, for the greater hides the less. What’s next?
SPEED ‘And more faults than hairs’—
LANCE That’s monstrous. O that that were out!
SPEED ‘And more wealth than faults.’
LANCE Why, that word makes the faults gracious. Well, I’ll have her, and if it be a match—as nothing is impossible—
SPEED What then?
LANCE Why then will I tell thee that thy master stays for thee at the North Gate.
SPEED For me?
LANCE For thee? Ay, who art thou? He hath stayed for a better man than thee.
SPEED And must I go to him?
LANCE Thou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long that going will scarce serve the turn.
SPEED Why didst not tell me sooner? Pox of your love letters! Exit
LANCE Now will he be swinged for reading my letter. An unmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into secrets. I’ll after, to rejoice in the boy’s correction.
Exit
3.2 Enter the Duke and Thurio
DUKE
Sir Thurio, fear not but that she will love you
Now Valentine is banished from her sight.
THURIO
Since his exile she hath despised me most,
Forsworn my company, and railed at me,
That I am desperate of obtaining her.
DUKE
This weak impress of love is as a figure
Trenched in ice, which with an hour’s heat
Dissolves to water and doth lose his form.
A little time will melt her frozen thoughts,
And worthless Valentine shall be forgot.
Enter Proteus
How now, Sir Proteus, is your countryman,
According to our proclamation, gone?
PROTEUS Gone, my good lord.
DUKE
My daughter takes his going grievously?
PROTEUS
A little time, my lord, will kill that grief.
DUKE
So I believe, but Thurio thinks not so.
Proteus, the good conceit I hold of thee—
For thou hast shown some sign of good desert—
Makes me the better to confer with thee.
PROTEUS
Longer than I prove loyal to your grace
Let me not live to look upon your grace.
DUKE
Thou know’st how willingly I would effect
The match between Sir Thurio and my daughter?
PROTEUS I do, my lord.
DUKE
And also, I think, thou art not ignorant
How she opposes her against my will?
PROTEUS
She did, my lord, when Valentine was here.
DUKE
Ay, and perversely she persevers so.
What might we do to make the girl forget
The love of Valentine, and love Sir Thurio?
PROTEUS
The best way is to slander Valentine
With falsehood, cowardice, and poor descent,
Three things that women highly hold in hate.
DUKE
Ay, but she’ll think that it is spoke in hate.
PROTEUS
Ay, if his enemy deliver it.
Therefore it must with circumstance be spoken
By one whom she esteemeth as his friend.
DUKE
Then you must undertake to slander him.
PROTEUS
And that, my lord, I shall be loath to do.
’Tis an ill office for a gentleman,
Especially against his very friend.
DUKE
Where your good word cannot advantage him
Your slander never can endamage him.
Therefore the office is indifferent,
Being entreated to it by your friend.
PROTEUS
You have prevailed, my lord. If I can do it
By aught that I can speak in his dispraise
She shall not long continue love to him.
But say this weed her love from Valentine,
It follows not that she will love Sir Thurio.
THURIO
Therefore, as you unwind her love from him,
Lest it should ravel and be good to none
You must provide to bottom it on me;
Which must be done by praising me as much
As you in worth dispraise Sir Valentine.
DUKE
And Proteus, we dare trust you in this kind
Because we know, on Valentine’s report,
You are already love’s firm votary,
And cannot soon revolt, and change your mind.
Upon this warrant shall you have access
Where you with Silvia may confer at large.
For she is lumpish, heavy, melancholy,
And for your friend’s sake will be glad of you;
Where you may temper her, by your persuasion,
To hate young Valentine and love my friend.
PROTEUS
As much as I can do, I will effect.
But you, Sir Thurio, are not sharp enough.
You must lay lime to tangle her desires
By wailful sonnets, whose composed rhymes
Should be full-fraught with serviceable vows.
DUKE