My heart thundered in my chest with a sudden, stunning terror. My hands fell away from him. If Avari ever figured out how much Tod truly meant to me, he would stop at nothing to have him. To hurt him.
Ira would do the same, surely, if he would hurt Sabine just to hurt me.
There were still things I hadn’t considered. Things I needed to account for...
“Kay?” Tod sat up, and his fingers trailed down my side. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I...” I swallowed thickly, then met his gaze again. “Can you hand me my drink?” My mouth was suddenly so dry I could hardly speak.
While I sipped from my straw, he sipped from his.
“Tod, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done for the right reason?”
He grinned, and I loved that he could do that—that he could remind me of good times in the middle of the worst times we’d ever experienced. “You may remember that I kissed my brother’s girlfriend.”
“The way I remember it, she kissed you.”
“I kissed her back. A lot. Things escalated from there. Drama. Heartbreak. It was quite the scandal.”
I let my fingers trail down his bare arm while he took another drink, then he set both cups on the fridge again. “Do you ever regret it?”
“No. Not even for a second. Kissing you back may have been the wrong thing to do, but I did it for the right reason. I don’t ever want you to doubt that. This...” He put one hand over my heart, and I could tell from the sudden swell of color in his eyes that he could feel it beating. “Us... We’re right. This is the way things are supposed to be, Kaylee. Don’t tell me you can’t feel that. I can see it in your eyes.”
“I know. Do you think...? I mean, it sounds stupid, but your mom said it was true for my parents....” I blinked and could almost feel myself blush. “Do you think we’ll ever be soul mates?”
“I think we already are.” The blues in his eyes spun so fast they made me dizzy. “I remember the exact moment you took a piece of my soul. I felt it.”
I held my breath, which, as it turns out, is completely different than simply ceasing to breathe. “When?” The word carried no sound, yet he heard it.
“When I found you on your bed, bleeding out. I knew you were going to die. I’d been trying to prepare myself for it, but when the moment came, I couldn’t let you go. I knew I couldn’t stop it, but at the same time I knew that if you died, you’d have to take me with you, because I couldn’t be here without you.”
My heart beat so hard my entire body shook with each thump.
“That’s why Levi was able to get me back, Kaylee. Did Madeline tell you?”
I shook my head. I didn’t quite understand what he was trying to say, but I could feel the reality of it slipping into place inside me, like all great, irrefutable truths.
“He turned in my soul after he reaped it, but they couldn’t process it because it wasn’t whole. I’d given part of it to you. He was on his way to untangle the rest of my soul from yours when Madeline found him and asked for an audience with you. Then, when you told him to bring me back, he knew that might actually be possible, because you still had some of my soul.”
Tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks.
“So...I’m yours, Kaylee. Every single part of me, from the hands that itch to touch you to the bit of my soul that you carry. Nothing can ever change that.”
I held him so tightly my arms ached and I was sure I must have been bruising him, but he didn’t complain. “I love you so much, and sometimes that scares the crap out of me.”
“Me, too. Have I told you that you’re the scariest thing I’ve ever seen?”
I blinked in surprise. “Well, that’s a...nontraditional compliment. Thanks?”
He laughed. “Okay, that was bad phrasing, but it’s the truth.” He ran his thumb over my lower lip, and the swirling in his irises swelled with the touch and with the thoughts behind it. “This is the most frighteningly beautiful mouth I have ever seen. The most terrifyingly delicious lips I have ever tasted. These lips make me hungry for more every time I kiss them. This mouth, and the tongue inside it...they speak words I hang on to. Words that make me want to be a better man. Words I would gladly build my entire afterlife around. But they also say things that terrify me. Things that send chills all the way to my heart. They speak about dangers I can’t prevent. Threats I can’t always see. They threaten to do things that could get you hurt, when every single beat of my heart tells me that I need to protect you.”
I stared at him, stunned, and he leaned in to kiss me again, softly. Almost chastely.
“This mouth scares the afterlife right out of me, Kaylee, but then every time I see these lips, or feel them, or taste them, I remember exactly why I’m still here. Exactly why I’ll still be here a hundred years from now. A thousand, if there are that many years in the cards for us.”
“Tod, I—”
He put one finger over my mouth and grinned. “And this nose, by the way, is terrifyingly cute, both head-on and in profile. These cheeks...” He kissed my right cheek. “These cheeks are where smiles were meant to live, and where all my own smiles are born, and if you don’t think that’s scary, then you obviously haven’t noticed how I smile much more often than is expected of the dreaded grim reaper. This forehead...” Another kiss, and my heart nearly exploded. “This forehead hides scary thoughts I wish you didn’t have to think, and it crinkles when you’re worried.”
Tod ran one finger over my left eyebrow, slowly, his gaze holding mine. “These eyes scare me on a daily basis, because they see more of me than I’d even thought possible. They see all of me. And they show me things, too.” He kissed each of my eyebrows, and tears blurred my vision. “These beautiful blue eyes show me all the things you’d be willing to do for the people you care about. The things you would give up. The pain you would put yourself through for anyone you love—including me—and I can hardly stand to look into these eyes sometimes, because when I do, I know that you’re going to do what needs to be done, even if that might take you away from me. From all of us.”
He exhaled slowly, and the swirling in his own irises slowed. “And I know that I have no right to ask you not to do whatever you’re thinking about doing right now, but looking into your eyes at this particular moment is scaring me worse than I’ve ever been scared, Kaylee. Worse than when I died. Worse than when Nash died. Worse than when you died, because whatever you’re thinking...it’s bigger than that, isn’t it? This is bigger than one death, because it’s bigger than one life. Isn’t it?”
“Tod, I can’t....” My eyes filled again, and his face blurred beneath my tears.
“Yes, you can.” He looked into my eyes, and I blinked. When my tears fell, he got a better look at my irises, and I saw fresh apprehension twist in his. “What are you thinking, Kaylee?” He frowned, looking deeper. “Whatever it is, please tell me you haven’t already done it.”
“I haven’t. But most of the plans are already in place.”
“What plans? What did you do? Please tell me you didn’t make another deal with a hellion.”
“I need a drink. My mouth is so dry.” I’d never been so nervous or felt so guilty in my life.
Tod handed me my cup, and I took a long sip from mine while he drank from his. When I heard the dry, icy rattle from the bottom of his cup, I knew it was time.
“Thanks.”
He set both cups on the fridge one last time. “Better?”
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat and crossed my legs beneath me on the mattress, trying to decide how to start the most difficult conversation I’d ever been a part of.