“Shouldn’t I be?” I ask dryly.
“You worried about me? That I’m gonna get hurt?”
“No.” I chuckle.
“You worried about your boy?”
I frown at him. “What?”
“Are you worried he’s one of the newbies she told you about?”
Yes. I am worried Ryan is here. I’m worried he’s here and I’m hoping he’s here and the contradiction is ridiculous and torturous.
“No.”
“You’re a terrible liar.”
“You’re a terrible person.”
He grins. “You don’t mean that.”
“Are you really going to do it?” I ask him, staring him straight in the eye. “Will you really go to Marlow and try and sell this to him? Or will you go home and forget about us?”
His grin fades. He spins the ring on his finger and I wonder what he’s considering. Lying to me? Telling me the cold, hard truth? Or is he actually wondering what he’ll do? Part of me wonders if he, as cocky and sure as he is, even knows what will come of this night.
“We’ll have to wait and see, won’t we?” he finally replies, his voice deep and low.
I should be annoyed with him. Even to me, the loner of loners, it’s a no brainer. If the Colonies can be stopped, we have to try. It’ll mean one less worry in the wild. One less predator to be afraid of every second of every day. It could even mean the trading of Colony goods, something that would benefit every last one of us outside these walls. But I’m not annoyed because I understand. I get the mentality of every man for himself and this help your fellow man for the greater good business is a notion that died out a decade ago. It was spilled with blood and lost to the ground in the first bite of the first zombie to rise up from the dead and usher in the dawn of the Hell of Earth that we walk in today.
Welcome to the new age.
This is the world we live in now and it’s been working relatively well for everyone so far. We’re all still alive, aren’t we?
Honestly, are we?
I don’t know anymore. I think of the last message I wrote to Ryan telling him I was waking up. I still believe it, even here and now in this place where everyone seems to be sheep falling asleep, following commands. No part of me wants to fall in line, not even with Vin when it’s for the greater good. I don’t know if that makes me a loner, a rebel or a free thinker who refuses to go down without a fight. Maybe I’m none of them or maybe I’m all of them, but what I know for certain is that I need to leave this place to find out. I want another shot at living my life outside with choices to be made and risks to be taken. I want to laugh out loud with no one else around. I want to walk through the streets and not be so afraid of who sees me. And I want to write on the wall with no filter or restraint.
“I have to go.” I say suddenly, heading for the door.
“Not even going to kiss me goodbye?!” Vin calls after me.
I run through the halls and burst outside, the cold air slapping me hard in the face. It invades my lungs, pinching them and making it painful to breathe. I don’t envy Vin this. Going out into this cold tomorrow. Trying to make it across the city is going to suck for him. Lexy told us it’s about a mile and a half from here to aquarium but it’s going to be dark, possibly raining and so very cold. We didn’t even discuss the massive swarm of Risen roaming just outside the walls. Luckily Vin thinks he’s invincible.
“You’re not supposed to be out here.” I hear a voice say to me from across the grass.
I raise my hand, waving to them faintly. “Sorry, I just… I needed some air. I won’t leave this spot okay? Just five minutes?”
The guard hesitates and I wish I knew some of them. I wish I’d made more friends and had more pull. Don’t tell Vin.
Finally he nods silently and goes on about his patrol but I know he won’t go very far. That’s okay. This won’t take long.
I look around the ground furtively, cursing the sparseness of this area but this is as far out as I can get. Whatever I find in here is going to have to suit me. What I could do is go inside and forget the whole thing. It’s not like it matters. It’s not like he’ll ever see it. It’s not like he’s here.
My heart pangs at the idea of him locked inside these walls and I want to write this message more than ever if only to prove to myself that it will go unnoticed. That he’s not here. Finally I spot a small stone that looks like it will do. I snatch it up in my trembling, cold fingers. Then I write. I write with simple honesty something I would never have had the nerve to write on the outside but wish desperately that I had. It’s nothing huge. Nothing profound. But it’s heartfelt and real and I imagine as I write it on this wall in this prison that the words are appearing on our wall on the outside. That this message will reach him no matter where he is. That he’ll think of me and that sliver of my soul that I left with him to travel wherever he goes will light up like the sun and run with him again. He’ll carry me far away from here, outside these walls, beyond these waters and I’ll be home again. Just four words to fly me away forever.
Chapter Sixteen
That night I don’t think any of us sleep. I see Lexy before going to bed and when I ask her if she’s gotten the names of the new gang members in the Pod she shakes her head sadly. Tim has never seen them either, only heard of them. She tells me they’re from a gang called The Elevens, some reference to the Eleventh Hour, but I’ve never heard of it. I never got the name of Ryan’s gang anyway. I’m more convinced with each passing second that he is one of them and the writing I left on the wall is burning in my mind like a brand. I’m dying to walk past it but terrified as well. What if there’s a response?
I decide to lie down and toss and turn in my bed instead.
At least that’s the plan, until a hand clasps over my mouth. Second time since I’ve been here and I still don’t like it. When my eyes pop open I come face to face with Vin, his handsome features shrouded in darkness giving him a sinister quality.
But I know it’s him. I’m know I’m safe.
So why do I backhand him across the face? Because he knows better, that’s why.
He doesn’t cry out as Lexy did when I hit him or even as Ryan did when I punched him for messing up my night. He simply looks away for a moment, takes a calming breath and looks back at me with hard eyes.
“You think I deserved that?” he asks tightly.
“If not for startling me awake then I’m sure somewhere at some point in your life you earned that.” I whisper angrily.
“Fair enough. Come on.”
“Where?”
“Outside.” He stands, offering me his hand. “We have to talk.”
I ignore his hand but I follow him out of the dark room, leaving the soft sounds of even breathing and light snoring behind us. He leads me silently through the hallways and out the door, the same door I burst out of earlier tonight. It’s even colder now. I can see my breath coming in small puffs of white in front of me. There’s no one patrolling nearby and I imagine we have a small window of opportunity to talk and freeze before the next guard comes by.
“Merry Christmas.” he says quietly, pulling something from his back pocket.
I frown in confusion then smile in delight when I see what it is. It’s a shiny, sharp trowel with a holly green handle. It’s stolen from the gardens for sure. It is the single greatest gift I’ve ever received.
“It’s so pretty.” I whisper happily, turning it over to test its edge.