No, as far as miracles go, this “J. C.” never raised the dead, but he certainly lowered a lot of the living
Immo, si de miraculis agitur, ille “I Ce” nullos mortuos ad vitam revocavit, sed tamen multos vivos ad mortem sane misit
We’re having a prayer breakfast down at the pistol range
Ientabimus, precatione facta, in campo manuballistulario
I am a firm believer in tough hate
Mihi persuasum est odisse acerbe
* Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire.
Do unto others, but do it first
Fac hominibus aliis, atqui fac prius
Blessed are the poor, because they leave so much more money for the rest of us
Beati pauperes, quoniam tanto plus pecuniae nobis reliquis relinquunt
Blessed are the meek, because we can cut in front of them in lines
Beati mites, quoniam istis in ordine stantibus anteponere nosmet ipsos possumus
If someone smites you on the cheek, turn the other cheek and see what kind of a smiter he is with a bloody stump
Si quis te percusserit in dexteram maxillam tuam, praebe illi alteram ut possis cognoscere quam fortiter percussurus sit bracchio truncato cruento
Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire
Dilige proximos tuos, utque illis ostendas te re vera diligere, mitte decem legiones quae ianuas pulsent et quam dulcissime ab illis quaerant, num velint in tuum imperium recipi
The theory of evolution is baloney. Everyone knows the whole universe came out of Saturn’s nostrils
Theoria Darwiniana evolutionis specierum absurda est. Constat inter omnes universitatem rerum ab naribus Saturni venisse
Of course I can speak in tongues, but I prefer Latin
Sane loqui variis linguis possum sicut Apostoli die Pentecostes, sed malo Latine loqui
Let’s say grace: O gods, thank you for permitting us to gobble this food the way Caesar gobbled up half of Europe. Amen.
Precemur. O di, gratias vobis agimus, quod nos sinitis hunc cibum sic devorare quo modo C. Iulius Caesar dimidiam partem Europae devoravit. Finis.
Mob Banter-CAVILLATIO SODALIUM
It fell off the back of a truck, capeesh?
De extremo plaustro excidit; comprehendisne mente quod dico?
You got a problem with that, paysan?
Num de hoc dubitas, compagane?
Whatsamatter you?
Quid te sollicitat?
Fuhgeddaboutit
Eice id ex animo
Geddouttahere
Noli mecum nugari
God forbid, a piano should fall on your head
Dii prohibeant ne clavicinium in caput tuum delabatur
New Age Discourse-SERMO NEOMYSTICUS
Meditate on this, pal
Meditare de hoc, amice
Do you know the yoga position where you put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye?
Scisne schema gymnosophisticum per quod, capite inter femora flexo, iubentur basio valere clunes?
Did a dish of potpourri just catch fire, or did someone light up a joint?
Utrum patella florum siccatorum ignem modo concepit, an aliquis accendit sarcinulam cannabis?
Man, that shit is potent-I am like totally in the subjunctive
Mehercle, illa materia tam valida est ut funditus in modo subiunctivo sim
I’ve got the munchies! Pizza pizza!
Esurio! Libum Neapolitanum!
Hollywood Latin-SERMO LATINUS ACUIFOLIIS
I love it, I love it, I love it!
Id amo, id amo, id amo!
Make the mother the father, change the cat to a dog, and lose the kid with cancer
Muta matrem in patrem, converte felem in canem, amitte puerum cancerosum
And replace all the love scenes with car chases and set it in the Hamptons instead of the Civil War
Substitue autem persecutiones curriles pro episodiis eroticis, et conloca dramatis actionem in Hamtunis in vicem temporis Belli Civilis Americani
Wait, the girl in the copy room hated it!
Siste, puella in scriptorio xerographico fabulam oderat!
I’m putting it in turnaround
Hoc scriptum in purgatorium committo
Pasadena
Praetermitto
You’ll never eat lunch in this town again
Numquam in hoc oppido prandebis iterum
Sushi Bar Chitchat-SERMO IN TABERNA IAPONICA PULPAMENTORUM INCOCTORUM MARINORUM
No mackerel, no eel, and no slab of cold egg crud
Mihi nullus scomber, nulla anguilla, nullum frustum ovorum frictorum frigidorum
When I snap apart the chopsticks, do I make a wish?
Estne mos homini findenti virgulas prehensorias aliquod optatum declarare?
What’s the deal with the little strip of green plastic with the fringe on top?
Quapropter in catillum poni solet illa taeniola plastica viridis fimbrata?
More tuna, please, and another California roll
Da mihi plus de thunno, sodes, et alterum volumen Californicum
How do you get the little piece of fish to stick to the rice ball?
Quo modo cogitur segmentulum piscis globo oryzae adhaerere?
Are those knives as sharp as they look?
Suntne illi cultri tam acuti quam esse videntur?
You guys make great cars!
Vos vehicula praestantia fabricamini!
Sorry about those atom bombs!
Me paenitet illorum pyrobolorum atomicorum!
Thank you very much!
Vobis plurimas gratias ago!
Computer Language-SERMO LATINUS COMPUTATORIUS
Download the goddamn file, you bug-ridden piece of shit
Assume plicam damnatam, o tu moles muscaria muscerdarum
If you freeze one more time, you’re going straight to the landfill
Si denuo congeles, confestim ibis in fossam purgamentorum
Yeah? Well I’ve got an error message for you, fuckhead-you’re about to be shut down improperly with a ball-peen hammer
Sicine? Nunc age, tibi nuntium erroris habeo, stuprator-mox improprie sopieris malleolo
Car Talk-DISCEPTATIO DE CURRIBUS
It’s a hunk of junk!
Acervus inutilium est!
That car is so ugly, you’d have to put a pork chop on the backseat to get the dog to ride in it
Iste currus tam turpis est ut necesse tibi sit ponere offam porcinam in sede postrema ut persuadeas cani ut vehatur eo
You deserve a dopeslap for buying it!
Eum tam imprudenter comparando meruisti alapam!
If the rattle gets too bad, wear earmuffs
Nimium si strepat, indue operimenta tuis auribus
Of course you think you can repair it-you’re a moron!
Scilicet putas te currum reficere posse-stipes es!
Whatever it is, it’s going to cost you five hundred bucks, if that’s what it is
Quodcumque est, Ioachimicis tibi quingentis constabit, siquidem est, quod esse creditur
Try putting it in neutral and pushing it off a cliff
Vide quid eventurum sit si, dinexo ingranagio, currum e scopulo pepuleris
Keep in mind, people in the rearview mirror are even stupider than they appear
Tene memoria, viatores conspectos in speculo retrospicienti stultiores esse quam videntur
And remember, don’t drive like my brother!
Et memento, noli agere currum ut frater meus!
B.S.-BUBULUM STERCUS
A coyote whose habitat was destroyed by urban sprawl ate my homework
Suo tractu operto suburbio extenso, canis latrans domicilium meum ingressus praescriptum domesticum mihi devoravit
Due to global warming, my homework spontaneously combusted
Orbe terrarum nimium calefacto combustione hydrogonanthracum, pensum meum domesticum sua sponte flammam concepit
My homework was seized as evidence by mistake by DEA agents in a drug bust at the wrong address