“Oh, something Jane said she hated doing and that she'll always love you.” she replied lightly. She smiled at Jane. “Noting desperate, I hope?”
“I think it's something you ought to know, Stella- about the two of us, I'm afraid.”
“Oh?” Stella turned and walked over to the sideboard, fiddling about looking for cigarettes. When she turned back towards us, her face was pink, her mouth tight. I knew she at least guessed it was far more serious that either of us had thought.
“Cigarette?” I took one gratefully. Stella tossed back her dark hair, took a deep drag on her cigarette and turned to face Jane. Even in that awful situation, I found myself thinking how beautiful she was, as she drew herself up austerely to face whatever was coming from my daughter. “And what is it about the two of us that I ought to know. Jane?” she asked quietly.
Jane backed down somewhat when faced with the blunt question. She got up and walked over to the fireplace, stood looking down into the empty grate.
“I–I don't think it's for me to say-it should be between you and mummy.”
“I want to hear it from you, Jane.” Stella insisted. “I presume you brought the subject up.”
“It's about what you and mummy do with each other,” muttered Jane, still looking into the fireplace.
“Oh, we might as well get it over with.” I broke in. “We've had it all out, anyway. She saw us through the window as well as on the beach-she knows everything.”
“Snooping?” muttered Stella, her lip curling. “And having snooped, what else has she stooped to-blackmail, I suppose?”
“That's about the size of it.”
“Let's hear the worst-what demands is she making?”
“She wants me!” I murmured.
“You! Jane-do you know what you're doing?”
“I know what I want.” Jane turned towards us, her lips quivering. “I've hated myself for it-but I want it so much I'll do anything to get it.”
“She says she's going to tell Phil everything unless I let her have what se wants.”
“Would he believe her?”
“I'm afraid he would. I didn't want you to know this, but in all fairness, I must tell you. You see-he likes you quite a lot-even says you're a 'smasher,' but he also thinks your might be a…”
“Lesbian?”
I nodded.
“On what grounds?”
“Oh, quite slim ones, actually-the fact that you live alone and have no husband or boy-friends. But with what Jane would have to tell him, it would all begin to add up.”
“I see. It makes no difference to her that she will be breaking up her own home?”
“None-her mind is made up. It's either me, or she tells Phil.”
We talked for nearly an hour; Stella tried all sorts of arguments; threats, promises, even compromises, without the slightest effect. We even begged her to take the coming term at school to think it over, but it was useless. She wanted what she wanted and she wanted it now. Finally. Stella drew a deep breath and walked over to her; she placed her hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes.
“You realise what an awful thing you're asking of your mother, Jane?” she asked quietly.
Jane nodded, dropping her eyes.
“And nothing will dissuade you?”
A stubborn shake of the head.
“Very well. Look at me, Jane.” Jane looked up at her. “If that is what you want — will you take me instead.”
I gasped and Jane's eyes went wide.
“You-you mean you'd let me…?” She stopped.
“Do whatever you wanted with me-if you will promise not to tell your father about your mother and also that you'll leave your mother out of the arrangement.”
I could see that Jane was torn between the two of us. She looked at Stella's loveliness and was quite obviously sorely tempted. Then she shook her head and practically floored us with her next words.
“No, I can't. You see-I–I had that in mind, too. I love mummy so very much,” and she looked over at me with longing eyes. “I couldn't make a promise like that. I think I love you, too, Aunt Stella, and…and I wanted to have you as well-eventually.”
Stella and I looked at each other speechlessly.
“Well, can you beat that!” gasped Stella. “She wants the pair of us!”
“And I want to know tonight,” Jane pursued her advantage of surprise.
It was now up to me to make the final and irrevocable decision. Negotiations had broken down, as the unions say, and there was no time to table any new proposals.
“No, Stella-it's not your problem. It's all mine and up to me to try and solve it. I don't want the home broken up.” I looked at Jane; she was watching me, holding her breath as she waited for what I was going to say next. “All right, Jane-I'll do what you want,” I said simply.
“Oh, mummy!” Then she burst into tears.
Stella and I looked at each other silently. I gave a resigned shrug.
“Didn't have any choice, did I? Come on, Jane- let's go home.”
As we left, Stella squeezed my hand hard.
“Want me to pop over in the morning, darling?” she whispered.
“Please-about ten; I should have paid part of the blackmail by then and I'll need someone.”
Before we went in, I made Jane pull herself together and dry her eyes; I felt nothing, just then-only slightly numbed.
“Have a good time?” Phil greeted us.
“Smashing!” Jane had brightened up and handed over the things she had brought him from her shopping trip to Bridlington.
“Well, you've both acquired quite a tan.”
The three of us were soon chattering away and the previous couple of hours had faded, for the time being, to an unreal shadow.
After Jane had gone off to bed, Phil looked at me again and I recognised the old glint in his eye.
“That white dress goes well with your tan; sort of sets it off-very sexy!”
Although I didn't feel at all sexy just then, I smiled and let him take me into his arms, trying to appear willing. We kissed and he stroked my bare arms.
“Shall we go to bed?” he whispered.
“Mmm-let's!” I murmured, sounding enthusiastic. If he wanted sex, I thought, I'd have to let him have it; after being away for three days with Stella, I couldn't — I daren't-show unwilling.
We undressed and I could see by the way he kept looking at me he was going to want it. I didn't bother with a nightie, but slipped into my dressing gown to go to the toilet first. There, I went through the task of rousing myself as best I could with my fingers, using my old trick of lifting my breasts to my mouth to raise the nipples. I looked at them and felt at my sex to see how I was doing. I'd pass muster, I thought, to start with- he would probably be able to do the rest.
As I took the dressing gown off and climbed naked into bed beside him, slipping naturally into his arms, it occurred to me how completely divorced this part of my life was to my association with Stella. The word “divorce” brought my mind back to what I had consented to do with Jane to avoid one.