‘How is my mother?’ asked my mother.
‘Weak … but so excited at the prospect of seeing you. I am sure it will do her the world of good. Oh, here’s Dickon.’
And there he was—Dickon, who had been so much in my thoughts for so long. He was just as I remembered him—‘larger than life’, as someone had once said of him; and as good-looking as he ever had been. A wig covered those hyacinthine locks, which was a pity, but his eyes were even more startlingly blue than I remembered.
‘Zipporah!’ he cried, first to my mother. He embraced her and I noticed that she tried to hold aloof, but he appeared not to notice that and hugged her affectionately.
And then he was looking at me. He said my name softly. ‘Lottie … Lottie … grown-up Lottie.’
I held out my hand to him but he ignored the gesture and lifted me up in his arms, laughing up at me.
‘How exciting … Lottie is here.’
Sabrina was looking at him with that mingling of admiration, tenderness and adoration which I remembered so well. I saw my mother’s lips tighten, and I thought: Nothing has changed.
As for myself I had been waiting ever since I knew I was coming here for this moment.
‘They must be worn out,’ said Sabrina. ‘Did you have a good journey? Your rooms are ready … your old rooms. I thought you would like that. But would you like to see Clarissa first?’
‘Of course,’ said my mother. ‘Let’s go to her at once.’
Sabrina led the way up the staircase which I remembered so well.
Dickon was close to me. He put an arm around me. ‘Lottie,’ he said, ‘what fun that you are here.’
I said coolly: ‘I hope my grandmother is not seriously ill.’
‘She is getting on in years now,’ said Sabrina, ‘and she has grown weaker these last months. That is why I thought you should come.’
‘You should have come before,’ said Dickon.
Sabrina smiled. ‘Of course they should. In fact we were all very put out that you went abroad.’
‘At least that left you Eversleigh,’ I said, looking at Dickon. I was telling myself: It is different now. I know so much about you. I know you chose this place instead of me.
I must remember that, for in these first moments I was beginning to be too much aware of the potent charm of Dickon and was filled with misgiving.
We went to my grandmother’s room. She was sitting up in bed looking frail but pretty in a lacey pink bedjacket.
‘Zipporah!’ she cried and my mother ran to her. ‘And Lottie! Oh my dears … how wonderful to see you. It has seemed so long …
We embraced and she made us sit on either side of the bed. ‘Tell me all your news,’ she said. ‘Tell me about dear little Charlot and Claudine. Oh, Lottie, it is so odd to think of you as a mother. You seem only a child yourself.’
‘Time passes. I am no longer a child, Grandmother.’
‘Dear Lottie, as lovely as ever. She is, is she not, Sabrina? Dickon?’
Sabrina nodded and Dickon said: ‘She’s lovelier. She’s Lottie-grown-up, Lottie the woman. She’s even more lovely than Lottie the child.’
Sabrina and my grandmother looked at him and smiled in the way I remembered so well. My mother’s face had hardened and the years seemed to drop away and we were back in those days when there was conflict because Dickon wanted to marry me.
‘You are a father now, Dickon,’ she said.
‘Oh, the terrible twins,’ put in Sabrina indulgently. ‘They were rather cross because they weren’t allowed to sit up. You’ll see them in the morning.’
‘They must be about eight years old now,’ said my mother.
‘So you remember,’ commented my grandmother indulgently.
‘You’ll have a lot of time to talk,’ said Sabrina, smiling at my grandmother. ‘I’m going to take them to their rooms now. You’ll want to wash and have something to eat, I dare say. You’ll see them again very soon, Clarissa.’
My grandmother nodded and smiled contentedly while Sabrina took charge of us and led us to our rooms.
What memories come back to me in that room! And I am sure my mother felt the same in hers. She had not always been happy here and she was obviously remembering a great deal that was disturbing. We were both going to find our stay here rather upsetting. A brief glimpse of Dickon had made that certain. He had lost none of his charm and I was as conscious of him as I had ever been. I warned myself I would have to be wary.
I washed and changed and went down with my mother to a meal.
‘Are you feeling all right?’ I asked her.
She turned to give me a searching look. ‘I’m a little emotional, I’m afraid. It’s coming back here. I remember so much about the place. Uncle Carl … and then Jean-Louis and I here together.’
‘Grandmother, Sabrina and Dickon were not here then.’
‘No, they came when we left.’
‘I dare say there will be lots of differences.’
‘Oh, I dare say. Your grandmother does not seem as bad as I feared she might be. That’s a relief. I don’t think we should stay very long, do you, Lottie? I mean … you’ll be wanting to get home … and your father made me promise not to stay too long.’
‘We have only just come,’ I reminded her.
But even as early as that I was telling myself that I should never have agreed to come, for Dickon was determined to take up our relationship where it had been broken off, which was characteristic of his attitude to life. I really do believe that he saw himself as the very centre of existence with everything revolving round him and everyone there for his convenience. Others might be obliged to take care what they did; the same did not apply to him. If he wanted to act without honour he would do so; I am sure he believed so charmingly that everyone would forgive him.
‘No, I told myself. Not everyone. I shall never forget that he chose Eversleigh and let me go.
As we sat at table that night he singled me out for his attention.
‘Do you ride much in France, Lottie?’ he asked.
‘A great deal,’ I replied.
‘Good. We’ll go out tomorrow. I have just the horse for you.’
Sabrina smiled. ‘It will do you good, Lottie. And you’ll be safe with Dickon.’
I wanted to burst out laughing. I should be safer even alone than with Dickon.
My mother was talking about Claudine and what an enchanting child she was. ‘She has a bit of a temper, the nurse tells me. Oh, I do wish I could see my grandchildren more. Little Charlot is quite a charmer.’
‘What would you expect of Lottie’s son?’ asked Dickon.
‘I am wondering,’ I retorted, ‘what I am to expect of yours.’
‘Strange to think of us as parents, eh Lottie?’ said Dickon.
‘Why? We are no longer young.’
‘That’s nonsense,’ he said. ‘I feel young. You look young. Therefore we are young. Is that not so, dear Mother?’
‘Dickon is right,’ said Sabrina. Indeed, I thought, when in your eyes has he ever been anything else?
My mother asked questions about the neighbourhood. ‘What of that old house. Enderby?’
‘It’s empty now,’ Sabrina told her. ‘The Forsters left after the fire. They wanted to get away … understandably. Another family came but they didn’t stay long. Nobody does at Enderby. Dickon was a hero in that fire.’
‘My mother always sees the best of me,’ said Dickon.
‘Yes,’ put in my mother coolly, ‘she does indeed.’
‘Well, isn’t that the way a mother should see her offspring?’ asked Dickon. ‘Don’t you look at dear Lottie through rose-coloured glasses?’
‘I don’t need to,’ retorted my mother. ‘Lottie pleases me very much in her natural state.’
‘Zipporah has indeed become the gracious lady,’ observed Dickon. ‘Madame la Comtesse—no less. You must live very magnificently in your château.’