& my medication? still taking your medication? & I say.
Tells me his sister’s son got a degree in electrical engineering from Dale Tech & has a good entry-level job with GE in Lansing.
Tells me our next meeting he’s sorry he’s going to be away on vacation so we’ll schedule it for four weeks same time same place O.K.?
There is a handshake at the end of the session. & Q__ P__ observed polite & respectful YES SIR. NO SIR. GOODBYE SIR.
Leaving Mr. T__’s office I see the black dude so resembling Velvet Tongue is just leaving his probation officer too & I hold back letting him get to the elevator first & take it down without me.
NO EYE CONTACT ANYWHERE BENEATH THIS ROOF.
Then out to Dr. Fish in Dale Springs. Driving the expressway north & out of the city. The edge of the lake. Tin-colored & the sky the same color. 11:30 A.M. appointment, same office in the same building Dr. Fish has had for years. Receptionist is new & doesn’t know me nor the female assistant, Asian-American with a flat face & breathy voice, calls me in & puts on her gauze mask & rubber gloves & seats me in the chair & prepares me for X-rays & teeth cleaning & I’m a little stiff & she lowers the chair with a pneumatic hiss & my stomach lurches & eyes shoot open & the girl is looking at me Sorry! was that too fast? For just that instant I was BIG GUY going under, or RAISINEYES, or who was it—BUNNYGLOVES. & I saw Velvet Tongue in my place in my own body in this chair & it’s like my eyes were his! But it passes. I’m O.K. The girl lays the lead bib over my chest to protect me from X-rays & arranges the little X-ray cardboards in my mouth so I’m almost gagging but I hold on, I’m cool. The girl says Please hold, don’t move & noiseless leaves the room & sets the machine humming. It might be that Q__ P__ is being photographed and/or videotaped here, might be Q__ P__’s actual brain is being X-rayed & the negatives sent to the county offices & East Lansing, the capital of Michigan & the F.B.I. in D.C. & to Dad c/o Physics Dept., Mt. Vernon State University. But I am not agitated, I am calm & unsuspecting. I have nothing to hide. What happened with the black boy was Q__ P__’s first offense, & a suspended sentence followed no actual jail time beyond the detention center—THAT IS THE PUBLIC RECORD. Flatface in her gauze mask returns & I’m almost asleep so calm & she takes out the X-ray cardboard & positions another & leaves the room again & sets the machine humming. & again. & again. WHEN Q__ P__ FIRST REALIZED THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS AGAIN & AGAIN. & SOME PEOPLE KNOW, & SOME PEOPLE NEVER KNOW. Seventh grade, when my friend Barry died. When I PEELED OFF THE CLOCK HANDS. Flatface returns & the next step is cleaning my teeth & flossing which takes a long time. At a distance there is prickling & stinging in somebody’s mouth but I’m almost asleep. Please rinse, & I wake up rinsing my mouth taking care to shut my eyes not wanting to see the blood-tinged liquid. Somebody’s gums smarting & bleeding. This goes on for a while & finally it’s over & Dr. Fish himself comes in & he’s wearing a gauze mask too & rubber gloves & I feel a little shiver, excitement like a spike in the cock, behind the mask & glasses you don’t know Dr. Fish is an old guy in his fifties at least, his hair’s still O.K. unless it’s dyed?—& he’s looking at the teeth chart the female assistant has handed him & the X-rays & asking me how I am, how’s the family Quentin, & the high school, he’s confusing me with my sister Junie but that’s O.K. Now Dr. Fish examines my mouth & he’s fast & frowning & up close you can see the turtle-pouches around his eyes. This the man to see into your soul. Please rinse Quen-tin. Laying down one of the silver picks on a tray on a wad of cotton batting, the tip is shining with blood. There’s a sick excited sensation in my gut, I’m rinsing my mouth & can’t stop myself from seeing tendrils of blood in the water, I’m faint & excited & wish I could see Dr. Fish’s hands & that silver pick in Q__ P__’s mouth like on a video! Sorry if this hurts, Quen-tin, Dr. Fish says, it’s his mouth saying it, another pick in his hand, you haven’t been in for an exam in quite a while, eh?—almost three years. Afraid you’ve got several cavities & what might be the start of pyorrhea. Then the exam is over & Dr. Fish removes his gauze mask & rubber gloves & he’s smiling asking do I have any questions? any questions? & he’s ready to move on to the next patient in the next examining room & I’m clumsy-shaky rising from the chair & Dr. Fish is looking at me & I can’t think of any question to ask him & he’s turning to leave & I think of one.
“Do bones float?”
“Excuse me?”
“Bones. Do bones float?”
Dr. Fish stares at me & blinks once, twice. “What kind of bones?—human, or animal?”
“There’s a difference?”
“Well, there might be.” Dr. Fish shrugs & frowns backing off, I get the idea he’s stalling not knowing the answer. “It would depend, too, on whether the bones were heavy, or, you know, dried out—hollow & light. If so they would float, I’m sure.” There’s a pause & he adds, “You mean float in water?” & I nod sort of vague & he’s at the door, a little wave of his hand like a Thalidomide flipper, “Well, Quen-tin. See you next week?”
It was already arranged that the bill would be sent to Mom. No need for me to stop at the front desk. The receptionist called out surprised asking did I wish to make an appointment? & I mumbled no, I’d call sometime. & out of there, & that smell, fast. & in the van able to breathe & driving back to Church Street it came to me Fuckface Fish didn’t know the first fucking thing about BONES. Dentists are not doctors. Nor scientists of any kind. Probably didn’t know any more than Q__ P__.
A MEMENTO of the visit, though, in my pocket.
25
FUCKING SORRY to be missing so many classes at Dale Tech. I don’t know how it happens. Especially since I am determined to turn over a new leaf this time.
Except in Intro to Engineering I fucked up the first quiz, got a score of 34 (“F”). & missed the second. & when I got to the computer lab to do my assignments I’m behind in, there was a weird suspicious smell like formaldehyde that might’ve been a trick. (For the part of BIG GUY I’d saved, two-three years ago, I’d needed at least a quart of formaldehyde & got some from a biology lab at Mt. Vernon pretending I was a student, in my stick-on goatee & heavy glasses & carrying a briefcase I can pass for a grad student anywhere.) & the instructor is a young guy who looks right through me like there’s a blank space where I am.
Dad has paid my tuition & I have insisted I will pay him back out of my caretaker’s wages, as soon as things get settled. I still owe on my van & there are other expenses. Mom says I am careless with money spending on friends & making loans that will never be repaid, I’m like her with a generous heart she says & not many money-management skills. Since the trouble last year—the arrest & the hearing & the suspended sentence etc.—Dad looks at me differently I think, I’m not 100% sure because I am shy to raise my eyes to his but I think it’s like he is fearful of me as in the past he was impatient & always finding fault. Like Q__ his only son was a student failing a course of his. Yet I believe he is thinking we are all pretty lucky like my lawyer said. No matter the shame to the P__ family that Q__ is an “admitted” sex offender at least Q__ is not incarcerated at Jackson State Prison. At least his twelve-year-old “victim” was not injured. Or worse. Dad saying again & again Think of it as an investment in our joint future, son! You can pay me back when you’re able. His jaw like he’s got lockjaw but he’s smiling with that wrinkly little pink-asshole mouth & his professor eyes watery inside his glasses.