I can feel the old insecurity bubbling up and I want to untuck my hair and pull it forward to cover my scar so badly. But the way he’s watching me lets me know he has no problem with the way I look.
†
Over the next week, Luke and I work on the curriculum for his school. I thought it would be awkward, especially with the latent sexual tension brewing between us. It’s been a while since I lived with anyone and it’s an experience I wouldn’t have thought I would enjoy.
Although I’ve lived alone for years now and I’ve never thought I was lonely, this past week with Luke has driven home how solitary I truly am. I eat alone. Sleep alone. And when I need company, I go to my favorite coffee shop to people watch. Then I would chat with Luke over IM in the evenings. Instant messaging probably doesn’t sound like a conversation to anyone else but for us, it was everything. He was everything.
But in just a week’s time, Luke has managed to make me feel like I’m an important thread in the fabric of his life. Not for a moment have I felt like I’m in his way or cramping his style. We work separately on our own projects until the afternoon, and then we move over to the bakery so he can keep an eye on his mom.
By the third day, I was ready to go before he even told me. I’ve absorbed into his regular routine without missing a beat.
He seems to really enjoy having someone to bounce ideas off of and collaborate with. And I’ve found myself seeking out his opinion or advice throughout the day, as well. Sometimes, I think I don’t even want the advice but just to be close to him.
He really listens when I talk and the way he watches me … Damn, it’s addictive to be the center of his focus. Even though he looks so intense, like he’s imagining every variation of dirty thing he could do to me, there’s no doubt in my mind that if I asked him to he could repeat back everything I’ve said. Luke seems just as turned on by my mind, debating every topic with me from the best RPG games to the perils of a capitalist society.
Our discussions are as stimulating as any physical touch and by the time Friday rolls around, I’m one big throbbing mess of sensation. But he still hasn’t touched me. He promised that if I stayed here, we would work together the same way we would have if I had been a guy. Luke is sticking to that promise.
His ethics have never been more inconvenient.
This morning Luke decided that we needed to get out of the house so we’re sitting in the park enjoying the first official day of summer. The foliage above us is a brilliant explosion of green and I take a moment to close my eyes and enjoy the breeze. A change of scenery is nice and it’s definitely sparking my creativity. I pull up one of my unreleased game designs. Art was always fun as a kid but I just didn’t have the skill for it. Luckily designing graphics on the computer is a little easier with the right tools. Especially the way I do it.
“Are you working on one of your games?”
I look over my shoulder at the sound of his voice. He leans closer and squints, trying to see the screen in the bright sunlight.
“Yeah. I’m working on a new version of my bestselling game.”
My computer is angled away from him so he can only see part of the screen. Luke has always known that I design games on the side but I never told him which ones. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist poking fun. And I understand why. It is pretty ridiculous. But there’s no use in trying to hide it anymore. If I’m going to stay here for any length of time, he’ll eventually see me working on it and figure it out anyway. After a moment, I sigh and turn my laptop so he can see what I’m working on.
That’s when he loses it.
His laughter rolls out of him until he falls to the side, his laptop sliding off his lap and into the grass.
“Shut up! It’s not that funny.” But I betray myself when a little snicker escapes.
My eyes go back to the vector image of a misshapen pig on my screen. The snout is deliberately big and there’s a maniacal light in his eyes. It looks like a homicidal mutant pig.
“It is funny. It’s fucking hilarious. I can’t believe Pig Punt is one of your games. How could you not tell me that?”
He’s still laughing but seems to have mainly recovered.
“This is why I didn’t tell you. You think I don’t know how stupid it is? But this is my highest selling game. It was number one in the app store for over a week!”
Luke leans closer and I freeze, all my righteous indignation gone now that his soft breath is wafting against my neck.
“This is pretty epic. Trust me, I’m in awe of your genius. I only wish I had thought of it first. But I have to ask. Why are the graphics so bad?”
Then he’s laughing again, except he muffles the sound against my shoulder. The sensation goes straight between my legs and I have to clench my thighs together before I embarrass myself by moaning out loud.
Does he even realize what he’s doing? His mouth is pressed against my neck while he’s laughing away. He’s turning me on and he doesn’t even seem affected.
“People like it,” I mumble, trying to get my mind back on the conversation. “The cruder the drawings are, the more popular the games seem to be. How else can you explain why misshapen piglets being punted across the screen is so popular?”
“No idea but it’s definitely fun. Hell, I have it on my phone, too.”
“Well, I’ll send you the demo version of this new one once I’m done. It’s called Pig Punt in Space.”
We both laugh at that.
“The things we do for money.”
At my words, Luke’s laughter abruptly dies. I could hit myself for bringing it up. He has only told me a little bit about his absentee father but I know money is a sore subject for him.
“Sorry. I could have phrased that better.”
He shrugs. “You aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know.”
A few moments go by and since he doesn’t seem averse to talking about it, I decide to just ask. “Did you meet him yet? Your father?”
He shakes his head.
“Are you going to?”
His head swivels toward me. “Why are you asking me all these questions?”
Stung by the sharp tone of his voice, I turn back to my laptop. “Never mind. It’s none of my business.”
At that, Luke blows out a frustrated breath. “It’s not that. Of course you can ask me anything. I just don’t like talking about him.”
His phone rings and the look of relief on his face is almost comical.
“Excuse me for just a second. I have to take this.”
He answers and then walks a few feet away, leaving me sitting on the grass alone.
†
While Luke is occupied, I pull out my own cell phone and call Grace’s social worker, Amy. Ever since I got the idea of taking custody of Grace, I’ve worked toward that goal tirelessly. Amy has been a huge help and really seems to have Grace’s best interests at heart. My distrust of the system is so ingrained that it was hard for me to believe at first but she’s been helping me every step of the way.
She answers on the first ring.
“Hi Amy. I was calling to see if there’s any news.”
“Not yet, I’m afraid. These things take time. But I really don’t want you to get your hopes up. A judge is going to want to see evidence of regular employment to prove that you can handle supporting yourself and Grace.”
“But I told you, I have money.”
“I know, Sarah. But it’s not enough to just have money. The judge wants to see that you have a steady income. The nature of your work is unpredictable and you can never know for sure how much money you’ll earn each month. That doesn’t look good on paper.”
This is exactly what she warned me about last time but it’s no less frustrating to hear it again.