“Well, I got a plan, but for it to work, we got to get him inside your house, Brer Fox.”
“He wouldn’t come in my house if you promised him free lettuce and yogurt for a year.”
“Don’t you worry about that. I can get him there,” says Brer Wolf.
“How?”
“You go home, Brer Fox, get in bed and make like you dead. And don’t say nothing until Brer Rabbit puts his hands on you. When he does, grab him, and we got us a good supper!”
Brer Wolf went over to Brer Rabbit’s house and knocked on the door. Bam! Bam! Bam! Nobody answered. Brer Wolf commenced to banging and kicking on the door like he didn’t have no manners[54], which he didn’t. BLAMMITY BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAMMITY!
Finally a teenichy voice came from inside. “Who’s there?”
“A friend.”
“All them what say friend ain’t friend,” Brer Rabbit answered. “Who’s there?”
“I got bad news.”
Bad news will get folks to listen when good news won’t. Brer Rabbit cracked the door and peeked half-a-eyeball out.
“Brer Fox died this morning,” Brer Wolf said real mournfullike.
Brer Rabbit raised half-a-eyebrow. “That so?[55]”
“He never recuperated from that lick on the head when you dropped the brick on him. I just thought you’d want to know.”
This was bad news that was sho’ nuf good news. But it wasn’t news to be accepted on somebody else’s say-so. He decided to sneak over to Brer Fox’s and verify it.
When he got there, everything was quiet and still. He peeped through the open window, and there, lying on the bed, hands folded across his chest, eyes closed, was Brer Fox.
“Po’ Brer Fox,” said Brer Rabbit. “He sho’ is dead. Leastwise he look dead. Of course, I always heard that when folks was dead and somebody came to see ’em, dead folks would raise up a leg and holler ‘Wahoo!’”
Brer Fox raised up his leg and hollered, “Wahoo!”
Brer Rabbit didn’t waste no time getting away from there.
Brer Rabbit Finally Gets Beaten
You know, it ain’t possible to go through life without meeting your match[56] some time or other. Brer Rabbit was no exception.
One day he and Brer Turtle were having a good laugh, remembering the time Brer Turtle conked Brer Fox on the head.
Brer Turtle said, “If Brer Fox had chased me instead of you, I would’ve been caught just as sure as you’re born.”
Brer Rabbit chuckled. “Brer Turtle, I could’ve caught you myself.”
Brer Turtle looked incredulous. “You must be joking, Brer Rabbit. You couldn’t have caught me if your feet had turned to wheels and your tail to a motor.”
“Hold on a minute!” Brer Rabbit couldn’t believe his big ears. “You so slow that when you moving you look like you standing still.”
“I ain’t got time to beat my lips with you over it. I got fifty dollars say[57] I’m the fastest.”
“And I got fifty say you been shaving the hair off your legs or something, but I know you done lost your mind.”
“Brer Rabbit, I hate to take your money, but if that’s what you want, that’s what you got.”
Brer Rabbit laughed. “I’ll leave you so far behind that I can plant greens at the beginning of the race and by the time you cross the finish line, them greens will be ready to pick.”
“I hope your feet as fast as your mouth[58].”
They got Brer Buzzard to be the race judge and hold the bet money. It was to be a five-mile race, with posts set a mile apart. Brer Turtle claimed he could race faster going through the woods. Everybody told him he was out of his mind. How could he expect to beat Brer Rabbit, who would be running on the road! Brer Turtle said, “Watch me.”
Brer Rabbit went into training. He bought a red jogging suit, a green sweatband, and some yellow Adidas sneakers, and he jogged ten miles every day. Then he’d come home and do a whole mess of pushups, sit-ups, and skip rope to his records. Some folks wondered if he was training for a race or “Soul Train.”
Brer Turtle didn’t do a thing. You see, it’s a strange thing about the Turtle family. There were six of ’em, including Brer Turtle, and they all looked alike. The only way to tell them apart was to put’ em under a magnifying glass, and even then you could make a mistake.
On the day of the race, folks was there from all over. Even the TV network were there, so the folks on the Moon could see it. Miz Meadows and the girls brought lunch baskets and lots of Dr. Pepper[59] to drink. Brer Rabbit showed up in his shades, wearing a gold jogging suit with a tan stripe, and when he took that off, he had on emerald-green racing shorts. Everybody ooohed and aaahed and rushed to get his autograph.
Meanwhile, Brer Turtle and his family had been up with the sun. He had put his wife in the woods at the starting line, and he stationed each of his children near the other posts. Brer Turtle hid himself in the woods at the finish line.
Race time came and Brer Rabbit hollered, “You ready, Brer Turtle?”
Miz Turtle was off a little ways in the woods and, disguising her voice, hollered, “Let’s go!”
Brer Turkey Buzzard fired the gun and the race was on. Brer Rabbit took off like a 747 jet[60]. Miz Turtle went home.
Brer Rabbit came to the one-mile post. “Where you at, Brer Turtle?”
Brer Turtle’s young’un crawled on the road and said, “Right with you, Brer Rabbit.”
Brer Rabbit started running a little faster. He came to the two-mile post. “Where you at, Brer Turtle?”
“Right with you,” came the answer.
Brer Rabbit ran a little faster. He passed the three-mile post, the four-mile post, and every time he hollered for Brer Turtle, the answer came back, “Right with you!”
The finish line was in sight now, a quarter mile away. Brer Rabbit could see Brer Buzzard with the checkered flag, but he didn’t see Brer Turtle come out of the woods and hide behind the post marking the finish line.
“Give me the money[61], Brer Buzzard! Give me the money!” Brer Rabbit started hollering, and Miz Meadows and the girls started cheering like they’d lost their senses.
Brer Rabbit was a hundred yards from the finish line when Brer Turtle came from behind the post and crossed the line. “Soon as I catch my breath, I be pleased to take that fifty dollars, Brer Buzzard.”
Brer Buzzard handed over the money, and Brer Turtle went home.
Mr. Jack Sparrow Meets His End
Brer Rabbit was mad after he lost the race to Brer Turtle. The neighbors could hear him cussing and carrying on so bad that they almost called the police. Brer Rabbit had to get even with Brer Turtle. But as hard as he thought, as long as he thought, as wide and high as he thought, he didn’t have a thought[62].
That just made him more mad. He decided finally, “If I can’t get even with Brer Turtle, then I’ll show Miz Meadows and the girls that I’m still the boss of Brer Fox!”
Unfortunately, Brer Rabbit did his deciding out loud. Mr. Jack Sparrow was sitting in a nearby tree, and he heard every word. The period on Brer Rabbit’s sentence was hardly dry before Mr. Jack Sparrow started chirping:
“I’m gon’ to tell Brer Fox! I’m gon’ to tell Brer Fox! Just as sho’ as you born, I’m gon’ to tell Brer Fox!” And he flew off.
Brer Rabbit got a little worried. To tell the truth, he was downright scared[63], and he lit out for home. His eyes were on the ground and his feet were in the air and consequently he didn’t see Brer Fox until he’d bumped into him and almost knocked him over.
“What’s the matter, Brer Rabbit? You in an awful hurry today.”
“Brer Fox! I been looking all over for you! What’s this I hear about you going to beat me up, beat my wife up, beat my children up, and tear my house down?” He looked mad enough to chew concrete.